My daughter has been taken away from me.

[Emmie1201]

It isn't fair, I'm her mum. Mum knows best :( I can't believe they're allowed to do this.

[Heatherjayne1972]

Emmie. The police keep records of people's names etc so if you ring because he's smashing windows that's on their records So the next time he turns up they already know before they get to yours and then every time after
If you call EVERY time he comes round that looks better for you and is evidence against him
They won't mind That's what the police are for- to protect you
But please do work with ss - do whatever they ask you to
It'll be ok

[LastAnni]

Any update OP? Was just thinking of you.

[YoHoHoandabottleofTequila]

The ex won't be allowed near the DD as it would be breaking his bail conditions (he will have been arrested if he hurt her). I'm not sure if she went in to care from hospital or from home but the OP should have called the police.

[slenderisthenight]

OP. You must be in terrible pain.

If you want to get your DD back, you need to do exactly what SS tell you to do. Exactly.

You seem to understand that the problem with your ex harassing you was your failure to call the police. I understand that you were too scared to do that. It does seem very unfair that they took your DD because you were too scared to call the police. But they are only trying to get her out of the situation.

I don't think they will give her back until you can show that you understand why it was best for her to be taken away, given that you weren't able to call the police and get help to keep your ex away. No, it's not fair but it would be more not fair for your DD to grow up in that situation, if you see what I mean.

Show that you can call the police to keep your ex away, that you understand what it takes to keep your DD safe (going to a hotel is not enough) and anything else they want to see.

Good luck.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

OP (if you're still reading this), I mean this kindly but you really do need to see the situation through the eyes of SS.

A 4 year old child is pushed so hard by her father that she requires hospitalisation. The mother of that child, although she loves her DD very much & cares for her well in other ways, will not call the Police when this "father" turns up at their home in a violent rage, trying to smash windows etc. This obviously leaves the child living in extreme danger of further injury and, let's face it, witnessing some terribly scary scenes.

If you read that story in a magazine OP, what would you say? This would appear to be the true reason your DD has been placed in to foster care.

Now, you need to have a meeting with your SW and find out exactly what you need to do to stand a chance of your DD being returned to you. Then you need to follow that, to the letter. Jump through every hoop they give you. No excuses. I have no personal experience of Woman's Aid, but it does sound as though they could really help you with this.

If you do nothing, your DD will remain where she is and you will remain in danger from your violent ex. Don't you both deserve so much more than that?

[cestlavielife]

Emmie you need to call police every time.

999 if he is smashing a window.
101 to report and ask for support

[YoHoHoandabottleofTequila]

I am wondering why this particular man is still at liberty to come banging on her door though - I would have thought at the very least he should have an injunction against him to prevent him going near his child. I suppose it depends on the severity of the injury and I don't know much about the procedures or the likelihood of criminal charges being pressed with this sort of thing

Being a paeds nurse I can (only from experience) tell you that the parent is arrested, and if they're released on bail they sometimes are allowed supervised contact whilst the child is in hospital. The child can go in to care straight from hospital and it's not uncommon to have police present on the ward to prevent any trouble, child being taken off etc. It's greatly distressing, for everybody.

[Underchipsandpeas]

I don't think she was looking for help, I think she was looking for sympathy and someone to tell her she was a great mum and what big nasties ss are.

^^ This.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

"It's so sad to see these threads go the same way every time.
OP comes on here to ask for help [etc.]".

Marilynsbigsister I totally agree with you.

The MNHQ totally nailed it OP - please do get professional help - Women's Aid is a good place to start.

[forumdonkey]

OP, you have a SW now, ask for their support to do everything you can to get away from this man. Ask them to support you moving. Go to the police and report this man and explain you are in fear of you life and ask their advice and what they can do to help you. Only you can actually do this. The support is there for you but you have to want and access it.

[BubbleGumBubble]

The childs safety comes above all others.

The DV the OP has suffered is horrid but until the OP is in a position to free herself from it removing the child is the only option.
SS wont blame you but their priority is the vulnerable child.
Please follow the advice given and use the support of the womens aid and police to protect yourself because once SS see that you are free of him they will work with you to return your child.

Some posts have been harsh but if the removal of her child was not enough for the OP to see she needs to do more to protect her DD then I can understand the tough approach.

[OliviaStabler]

It's so sad to see these threads go the same way every time.
OP comes on here to ask for help.

I don't think she was looking for help, I think she was looking for sympathy and someone to tell her she was a great mum and what big nasties ss are.

What she received was a lot of good advice and some tough love. It's not what she was looking for but was what she needed to hear.

I hope reading the responses have led her to call WA and start on the road to getting her little girl back.

[harrypotternerd]

OP I just wanted to say I hope you are ok. Please do everything SS wants you to do, please do not come across as defensive or make excuses, they will not return your daughter if you do that. Do everything they ask and more. It is the only way to get your daughter back. Do it as soon as you can otherwise they may get a permanent order. I know it is hard but please do this for your daughter. She needs you.

Was it a voluntary agreement or did they get a court order? I am guessing if there was a court order you had the chance to go to court and have your say?
Do you have legal advice?

[SlottedSpoon]

And women should not have to protect themselves from violent men.

Maybe not, but they do have a responsibility to protect their children from them, if they know the man to be violent. Repeatedly returning to, or spending time with a man who hurts you is one thing, but when you know they have seriously hurt your child and you still won't remove yourself from them completely, that's on a whole other level.

I am wondering why this particular man is still at liberty to come banging on her door though - I would have thought at the very least he should have an injunction against him to prevent him going near his child. I suppose it depends on the severity of the injury and I don't know much about the procedures or the likelihood of criminal charges being pressed with this sort of thing.

However I am bewildered that the OP is so reluctant to call the police to have him removed from outside her home and yet she's apparently happy to leave the house with the child to go to hotel while he is supposedly outside and being abusive and threatening to kill her. Either that or she's letting him in and then saying that she removes herself and the child instead.

It's not stacking up for me and I think she's scrabbling to find a story that might sound plausible to SS when basically, whichever way you turn it, she has failed to do what she was told she must do in order to keep her DD.

Also, correct me if I am wrong, but where has the OP actually said this man has been violent or abusive towards her, other than threatening to smash the windows and kill her since he was made to move out at the insistence of SS?

There are lots of posters making assumptions and actually stating here that she has been suffering DV for years at the hands of this man, but we know no such thing. We only know he hurt the child and as a result of that has been made to leave the family home, which he then returns to and gets verbally abusive and makes threats because he wants to be let back in.

Of course it would be no great surprise to find out he has been violent to the OP during their relationship, but we shouldn't just assume it.

[shadowfax07]

And women should not have to protect themselves from violent men. Those men should be removed, locked away, fined, by the police without the need for frightened women to press charges so that the child is safe in their own home. If the man is the problem, then the man should be dealt with until he learns or is forced (eg jailed) not to go back and carry on being violent and abusive.

How are the police to act, if they don't know what is going on?

OP, you've received some very good advice on this thread, I hope you can find the strength to act on it and get your DD back.

[crashdoll]

Emmie, do you think you have been worn down by him? You sound so...passive. That's not a criticism but perhaps you are just numb to it all. Your daughter sustained a very serious injury and although it must be upsetting to hear, you need to accept how serious is it. Work with the social workers, show them that you want help to change how you are feeling and acting. You've been given advice by people far more knowledgable than me and I hope you take it for the sake of you and your little girl.

Take care.

[RestlessTraveller]

In a crisis situation the part of the brain (the amygdala) responsible for what most people know as the fight or flight reflex kicks in. In reality the amygdala has 5 responses to chose from; flight, fight, freeze, flop or friend.

We have no say over which the amygdala chooses, it just assesses the situation and makes a decision. In the case of the return of a violent partner 9/10 it will chose 'friend'. i.e. Be nice to the person and they won't hurt me.

Research has shown that no matter how many times SS threaten to remove a child if a woman allows a violent partner back into the home, the reality is that unless the SW is standing there at the same time with kids in their arms the victim is unable to make that choice.

op You need to meet with your daughters social worker and have a discussion about exactly what they are asking of you.

Also you need to be attending contact on on time regularly.

You need to report him to the police and you need to speak to women's aid and victim support.

Good luck

[JodieB12]

Well said northernlurker

[Northernlurker]

There are lots and lots of women in abusive relationships. SS does not remove all their children. The problem is not the violence, it's the ops lack of insight.
What the op needs to understand (and some posters) too is that it is better for the child to be away from her mum but living in a home where she is safe, 100% safe, than with somebody who loves her but is not capable of showing they prioritise her safety above everything else. Love is not enough.

[Atenco]

Is it possible to report people for being self-righteous? It is so horrible when some people take mumsnet to be some kind of Jeremy Kyle show.

[Marilynsbigsister]

It's so sad to see these threads go the same way every time.
OP comes on here to ask for help.
She is obviously so ground down by DV she literally can't see wrong from right. We all talk the talk about how damaging DV is to self esteem, /mental health/ self awareness and yet when someone comes on here and exhibits just those traits she gets castigated and verbally bashed for not doing what she should be doing. Let's face it. If she was able to do what she should be doing, then her child wouldn't have been removed and she would never have posted.
Next time we have an OP in this situation (because I doubt very much this one needs verbal assault on top of all the other assaults she has suffered through her life) can we PLEASE go out of our way to be gentle and remember that women in this situation are also victims but with the appropriate help can turn it around. We can give that help. Gently does it. The time to be harsh is if the child is still there.
Once the dc is removed she already has lost everything on top of the horror of DV

[Pollyanna9]

Eh Repentatleisure?!? Jesus.

Yes, she left the thread because of those who bashed her - what a shame. Since my post was clearly supportive of her despite her ultimate failure to protect her child, and unsupportive of the 'bashing' she got, and since anyone knows that 'bashing' refers to verbal bashing (well it would wouldn't it since it's not face to face and can't possibly refer to physical abuse), I can't understand your comment really.

I always feel it's the ultimate failure when people on here start having such a go at people that they just withdraw from the thread as they can't take it - surely not the outcome we would want?

[fruitbats]

toptoe the police cannot take action if they don't know that is it happening. OP needs to report it

[JodieB12]

That's a good outcome. Hopefully now she's had all the good advice from social media, she can now focus on becoming a better mother to her daughter so they can reunite soon.