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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My daughter has been taken away from me.

285 replies

Emmie1201 · 14/11/2016 12:33

It isn't fair, I'm her mum. Mum knows best :( I can't believe they're allowed to do this.

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/11/2016 13:16

So he was violent towards Dd and she was hospitalised, so presumably injured. SadWas she taken into care directly from there? Were you there at the time of the incident? This man is toxic, she , and therefore you, cannot have contact with him. Have you blocked him and any associates?

Topseyt · 14/11/2016 13:16

OP. sorry you are so distressed, and clearly you are struggling to break properly free from a very abusive and violent partner.

SS are clearly concerned that at this moment you are unable to constantly provide the full protection that your DD needs.

You have had good advice regarding involving the police and getting a non-molestation order, along with calling Women's Aid. I can't add to that, but you do need to do it. He needs to be completely out of the picture before you may get her back.

You did take her temporarily to a place he could not find you (a hotel?), but that was not sustainable long term so you moved back and he kept coming round.

My DD1 had a friend who ended up in your position. It was very hard for her, but she acted. She had to or she would have had her child taken away too, and she was told that. You really do have to use every available tool to get the abuser out of the equation, or SS will act, as they have.

It sounds as though this man should be in jail. He is a danger to you, to your DD (hence why she has been removed) and probably to other women too.

Please do what you know you have to do.

ashtrayheart · 14/11/2016 13:18

Your use of the phrase mum knows best indicates to me that you were/are in heavy denial here - you need to take steps and quickly. i believe you should be able to get free legal advice as your child is subject to care proceedings? Agree you need to phone women's aid. This is a horrible situation but to remove your child a court must have agreed with SS re the risk of your child remaining with you. And I do have experience of social services due to my teenage dd's behaviour/illness.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 14/11/2016 13:18

I was your DD OP, I wish someone had taken me out of that situation. I know you think it's unfair but while ever he can simply turn up & threaten you it's best she's away from that, I'm sorry.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/11/2016 13:19

Yes of course, but the state cannot force an adult to disengage from an abusive partner. If this woman cannot find the strength to leave him for whatever reason, what they can do is take steps to protect the child.

I am reading what the OP is saying as she has kicked him out but that he comes back and threatens her with violence, not that she has not got the strength to leave!

stitchglitched · 14/11/2016 13:23

It sounds like they don't trust you to keep her safe. Sadly they have good reason since you admit she was at risk yet you still had him living with you until she ended up hospitalised. There are posts on here regularly from women who won't leave partners who are either drug addicts, violence or emotionally abusive to their kids. You are a clear warning of what can ultimately happen, SS will act to protect children if they think a parent can't.

You need to work with SS and do everything they ask of you, even if that includes calling the police on this man.

Veggiesupremeextracheese · 14/11/2016 13:23

I'm a social worker op. What injury did she get when he pushed her, that required hospital treatment? Has she gone into foster care or is she with family?

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 13:23

If he hurt her and she was hospitalised and he is still coming round, I think that may partially explain why she has been removed, I'm sorry, they must still feel she is in danger, and the fact he comes round and threatens violence must be terrifying for her, she is only tiny as well. They do not take children away easily.

I'm sure you were trying, but sometimes, situations are more serious than we can manage ourselves.

OldBootNewBoots · 14/11/2016 13:25

this sounds beyond miserable op, you must be beside yourself - can you call WA and the family lives matter groups to understand what you can do better? I tend to think that if you haven't so far convinced SS, you need to work with them to really understand exactly what action you take every time the sh1thead that is your ex manages to find a way to communicate with you.

Original poster
Emmie1201 · 14/11/2016 13:26

She hurt her back it wasn't broken but there was fluid build up? It was awful and I felt seriously sick. I did everything I could from that day on.

I'm going to phone them now. I really want to sort this out I do. It's not because I don't and I love him more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie1201 · 14/11/2016 13:26

No she went into foster care

OP posts:
thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 14/11/2016 13:27

I am reading what the OP is saying as she has kicked him out but that he comes back and threatens her with violence, not that she has not got the strength to leave!

Ok, when I referred to the OP not being able to disengage and leave, I meant completely cutting contact with him and doing everything in her power to keep him away. I meant calling the Police every time he approaches her or her home and not engaging with him at all. For whatever reason, OP isn't doing that.

loobyloo1234 · 14/11/2016 13:28

OP

Is your DD in temporary foster care? Have SS stayed in touch? Are you able to make steps to move away permanently from where you live now?

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 14/11/2016 13:29

I did everything I could from that day on.

So did you call the Police every time he tried to contact you from that point?

If you didn't you need to acknowledge that mistake, because that falls way short of doing everything you can. Until SS have proof that you are really doing everything you can, you won't get very far.

MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 14/11/2016 13:29

Hi all,

Many thanks for your reports about this thread.

We wanted to pop in and say that whilst we can never be 100% sure, as far as we can see, the OP is legit.

Sorry for barging in OP, good luck. Please do seek some RL help and advice too.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 14/11/2016 13:29

Make the call, Emmy - it will be the start of a new life, honestly - but you have to show you are prepared to take control. You can do it. I've been there, and I got my DS back. Just pick up the phone.

Potatoooooo · 14/11/2016 13:34

OP you seem a bit vacant and like you're not grasping the seriousness of the situation, as you've clearly never rang women's aid and admitted you don't call the police when he comes to your house.

I think this is why SS has taken further steps to remove your daughter from the situation, I know you say you have tried to compromise and listen to them, but most people would at least call the police if they're being threatened and you just didn't. You essentially allowed him to keep coming back and putting your daughter in a dangerous situation that could have been resolved by ringing the police and calling women's aid.

I hope this makes sense.

Natsku · 14/11/2016 13:36

Make the call OP they will help you and you will be able to get your life on a safer track and work towards getting your daughter back. Its not over yet, you can still get her back.

blueskyinmarch · 14/11/2016 13:36

The thing is Emmy even though you want to protect her and keep her safe, the fact your ex keeps finding you and has already hurt her means she can’t be with you right now. Think of it as his actions rather than what you have or have not done that means she is in care. Start right now building a life where you can ensure her safety without your ex being able to have any impact.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/11/2016 13:38

What Rebecca from Mumsnet said. Please? He sounds dangerous and you need to look after yourself. Please don't take advice from here re how to deal with him on an individual level. Please seek professional advice about what to do. Hopefully you can also be assisted to move to a safe house or shelter away from him.

MinnieF1 · 14/11/2016 13:38

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I think there are some steps you can take to show social services you are not complicit in his coming to your address.

  1. Do you live in rented accommodation? Your local housing authority should be able to provide you with a move to another address so he does not know where you live. This could take some time though. And could be difficult if you own your home.
  1. Contact your local police force and ask for a TECSOS phone. They look like normal Samsung mobiles, but if you press the home button on them, you get straight through to the police control room who will send out an officer to your location. The phone also records sound. If he turns up, use it every time.
  1. Has the most recent incident been in the last nine days? If so, contact the NCDV who will be able to give you legal aid to get a non-molestation order (similar to a restraining order, but done in the civil courts). Ask if arrest powers can be attached to the order, so the police can place him in custody if he breaches it.
  1. Ask for an officer to come to your home and complete a DASH with you. If you are referred to MARAC, you will get support from an independent domestic violence advocate. You can ask for target hardening to be completed on your current home (or your new home if you can move).

I know it is all very scary and intimidating to ask for help in this situation, but it doesn't sound like he will go away unless you take serious action. And if he does. It go away, you may face losing your daughter permanently. Good luck op. You will feel better once you've done it, and it will get easier. Flowers

MinnieF1 · 14/11/2016 13:39

And I also second the suggestion to call women's aid. They're fantastic.

LostAtSea2 · 14/11/2016 13:39

I know it is hard but you really need to work with SS on what you can do to escape this situation and hopefully getting your child back. This is likely to include some serious decisions such as moving away, breaking contact with any mutual associates, including family, who might provide your new location to him and also working with the police and legal system to help you keep him away.

MinnieF1 · 14/11/2016 13:40

That should say "if he doesn't go away" sorry

DoofusMcXmas1 · 14/11/2016 13:41

As someone who has been through the agony of having their child taken by ss jess gives some very good advice, re-read her posts op and let it sunk in and follow it.

When I was 10 I was your dd. I had been on a old style cpp for a number of years before I was finally placed in foster care, that placement was something they had tried to avoid for years so it really is a last resort.