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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My daughter has been taken away from me.

285 replies

Emmie1201 · 14/11/2016 12:33

It isn't fair, I'm her mum. Mum knows best :( I can't believe they're allowed to do this.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 13:41

"She hurt her back it wasn't broken but there was fluid build up""

I know this isn't helpful. But the thought of that makes me feel sick too. Such a small child. And to have her father keep coming round threatening violence that he will kill uou and smash uour windows. It is awful. She must be terrified.

You do need to speak to them and look for a way where he cannot get to uou both.

Sunflowerspread · 14/11/2016 13:41

You've got to believe that you are in denial. That is the first step for you. Please do not fight against this. Your lovely daughter is safe. That is a good thing. You can still see her. By not fighting SS you are also working with them to keep her safe. That is a Mums job, to keep their children safe. You are still being a Mum right now.

You have time now to get your head straight. Please do that. Please follow the advice given here.

legotits · 14/11/2016 13:42

Good luck Emmie let us know if you need to chat after woman's aid have advised.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/11/2016 13:42

I wonder if you were more scared of him than of social services so you avoided dealing with his behaviour properly. You ran away rather than call the police because you thought it was more likely that he would kick off than social services would act. But they did act.

This is a man who put your daughter in hospital and you have to get angry and get tough with him. Not calling the police every single time he comes around has, for now, lost you the most important thing in your life. Work with SS to get this man away from you and your DD, call the police and get court orders. He is toxic and you need to take all the help available to get him out of your life.

Was he prosecuted for hurting your DD?

QueenofallIsee · 14/11/2016 13:43

You have to stop this idea that you are being victimised by the authorities and saying things like 'its not fair'. Your DD being in a violent home was not fair. You being abused was not fair. Your DD being removed from a situation that was not improving and risked her safety...fair doesn't even come into it. You ARE her mother, that will not change - so step up, get help and focus on achieving a positive outcome

ghostspirit · 14/11/2016 13:44

Op I was in a similar situation years ago. My then partner. FractureEd his child's skull. (Not my child) I was told because he had hurt another child he was a risk to mine. There was also dv involved. Although I did not fully realise that at the time. Any way ss bluntly told me if I let him near the kids/into our life my kids would be taken into care. As soon as I knew that I never saw him again. And I got help with moving so he would not know where we are.

If you cut all tires with him jump through every hoop with ss. Even if you don't want to. Do it for you and your daughter. Fuck him he's not worth loosing your child over.

toptoe · 14/11/2016 13:48

She has to be where she is safe. Has he been punished for assaulting her, making threats against you and her and smashing your property? Do you have a restraining order? I would go after him with the full force of the law and explain all the things he has done. That way you remove the problem: him. That's what you need to do. Get rid of him, get him behind bars, don't stop until he pays for all the abuse. Write it all down, call the police and go for it.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/11/2016 13:49

It will be a busy time of day for Womens Aid so keep trying.
Don't give up until you get through.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.
I honestly can't imagine what this must feel like.

If he turns up at all, ever again, call 999 immediately.
Have the police been involved with him and his domestic violence before now?
If so then call 101 and get it all logged and get put on their priority call list if you call 999.
If not then the same advice, call 101 tell them everything get put on their priority call list.

I hope Womens Aid can point towards some local services who can help you with all of this.

Don't give up, keep going and keep doing what you need to do to get your DD back.

Fortitudine · 14/11/2016 13:49

Unless you work with SS and the police and do everything in your power to keep him away from her, whether that be move,work with women's aid, non molestation order, then yes, you are not a good mother who has the best interests of the child at heart.

From all you have said, I cannot see that SS had any alternative but to remove her, and if you cannot see that then you are not in a place where they would reasonably let you have her back.

Fortitudine · 14/11/2016 13:51

I do sympathise, you must be living through a nightmare, but you must make the changes required of you.

Thefishewife · 14/11/2016 13:55

It's most likely not that he's Turing up its the fact the op refuses to see the risk in him turning up

If she won't call the police when Somone says there going to kill her child when will she call the police

That is the question

swoonmacaroon · 14/11/2016 13:57

I don't understand why the SS didn't find somewhere safe for you and your DD to stay OP.

You are also at risk and they seem to have abandoned you OP as previous posters have said get in touch with Women's Aid - now today. Flowers

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 14/11/2016 14:01

A 4 year old shouldn't end up in hospital due to abuse .... that's not fair.

Doing everything in your power to protect your child means ringing the police every time he turns up. If you don't and he gets access to her, she is at risk.

Horrible situation for you to both be in. Is there any chance you can get away to a new area away from the ex?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 14/11/2016 14:02

"It wasn't broken".

OP this screams of you still being in denial. If the fact her back wasnt broken is the best thing you can say about that, what does it say about your mindset?

You were not protecting your child. And rather than thinking "but I'm her mum I know best", you need to accept that you have failed to protect her, and ask them for support to improve that.

As for people saying "SS get it wrong" - that's really not helpful here. SS do not just swoop in and take children because they're bored, and encouraging the OP to see SS as the enemy here, you're making things worse.

Thefishewife · 14/11/2016 14:02

It's not for ss to get them to safety ifs for the op to shout for help and then ask for it

Is she won't call the police them how will ss know she needs help

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 14/11/2016 14:03

I don't understand why the SS didn't find somewhere safe for you and your DD to stay OP.

Because there is no such thing as a safe place if the OP won't call the Police when and if he finds her - also if she is inadvertently letting him find where she is - ie by telling other people, etc.

This man isn't psychic - if she isn't telling anybody where she's gone, he wouldn't be able to find her. Bottom line is a child is at risk and has to be protected.

Offred · 14/11/2016 14:04

TBH I think they will have had concerns about just how DD ended up being in a situation where her father hospitalised her. They perhaps worried about your capacity in that regard given that he should have been out of the house and far away long before she was hospitalised and her being hospitalised is a really quite extreme place to get to before realising it has 'gone too far'.

Plus then you have not spoken to women's aid or called the police when he is coming round which is definitively not protecting you or DD.

It seems they have put her in care because he is violent and they assess you as lacking capacity to protect her.

You need to put all ideas about unfairness out of your head and realise why they have assessed you as unable to protect her and then work hard on changing those things and showing them that you have changed those things.

AChristmasCactus · 14/11/2016 14:10

OP, please only go to a refuge via WA if you have no intention of telling your partner the location of it.

If you reveal the location of a refuge, you endanger everyone staying there.

I don't think "mum knows best" in this situation at all. "Best" would be calling the police when your ex came round.

Underchipsandpeas · 14/11/2016 14:12

How did her back get hurt, OP?

PilkoPumpPants · 14/11/2016 14:14

Ring social services. Find out what you can do to get your dd back. Ask them how she is doing, show interest in her welfare.

Tell them you understand why they had to take these steps and you want to make sure she has a safe environment to return to. get a restraining order against your ex, try to press charges on all the times he stalked you.

Do absolutely everything you possibly can to get her back. My dd is 4 and this breaks my heart. I can't imagine how scared she must be at the moment, wondering who she's living with and where her mum has gone.

Please don't let her be another child lost in the system, fight for her and get your ex arrested for the assault he did on her and anything his done for her. You have a chance but you need to do everything possible.

PilkoPumpPants · 14/11/2016 14:15

Anything his done to you both*

Topseyt · 14/11/2016 14:16

"It wasn't broken" doesn't make everything OK. It wasn't broken THIS time. If there were ever to be a NEXT time then things would probably be far, far, far worse. NEXT time he might permanently injure or even kill you and/or your DD. Social Services cannot take that risk, so they have acted.

Sorry, but with every post you make it is becoming very much clearer why they have done this. They haven't done it for fun, they have done it to protect your DD because you are not taking all of the actions available to you to do it yourself.

This man is a serious danger to both you and your child. Social Services have not got that wrong, they have got it right.

Get the non-molestation order. Call the police. Call them again and again every single time he appears. Call Women's Aid. Look seriously into moving to a new address that you will keep permanently secret from him and any mutual acquaintances you have. That may be a place in a refuge, or you may qualify for emergency housing from your local authority, perhaps with the backing of your social worker etc. Not sure what the system is there, but ask about it. Then ACT!!!

I think he remains a danger to you even though your DD is no longer in the house. I would also bet that he is a danger to others around him too, especially women and children.

BratFarrarsPony · 14/11/2016 14:16

I hate to sound nasty but SS do not just swoop in and remove a child. Op would have had a chance to get rid of this man, and she didnt.
OP follow the advice you are getting here, it is good.

PilkoPumpPants · 14/11/2016 14:17

Also stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have failed you child and if you don't admit this you won't have a hope in hell of seeing her again.

Start making changes today.

Jiggl · 14/11/2016 14:17

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