Porn, lies, porn, lies and repeat.

[Pornybastard]

Title in a nutshell really.

Been with DH 11 years, caught him on some really nasty stuff nearly 7 years ago and wanted to kick him out but got the whole "all men do it" trope so I swallowed it hook line and sinker. This was before I realised just how fucked up the industry is and if I'd have known then what i know I would have made bunting from the reg flags and thrown a party to celebrate his departure but he said (and acted!) as if he had changed, he was very clued up on how damaging it is to intimacy and very VERY certain that part of his life was over and he had grown up and respected women deeply and understood my feminist viewpoint and supported me 100%, even laughing at "sad bastards" (his words) that threw away loving wives and families over a wank.

Well...(you know what's coming)

Caught him again yesterday, on those dodgy chat roulette and some sort of porn messenger app. I've kicked him out, he's at his mothers but if it wasn't for our DC I would love nothing more than never to see his grotty, lying, hypocritical face ever again.

I'm smart, have an excellent career and I'm attractive -no Samantha Brick but we can't all be modelesque eh? Please keep me motivated to keep the little tosses out. Just needing some moral support as the family are now butting in with the "Just one more chance he lurrves you" shite

"A debate of sorts"

Boundaries - sorry!

I'm supporting you here LH. You haven't attacked, you've tried to have an open discussion. It's too emotive a subject I think! Good luck from me too OP! Xx

Thanks Fuku xx

I think some people have just been posting other view points to explore things. I don't see anything wrong with that. People do not have to agree. And the op will do what she feels is right for her.

The OP is doing what is right for her and bloody good for her. I'm so impressed by her stance on it. Respect your own boundaries, or you have fuck all chance of anyone else respecting them.

It doesn't matter what the boundaries are, either.

I love me the OP's Tory voter comparison - because in a weird way that's exactly the point for me. (And it was funny). If I was in a relationship with someone with the same political leanings as myself (which I am) and then suddenly found out he was donating to the Tory party and lying about it that would be that!

That is not the person I thought I knew and respected.

So goodbye!

And that may not be true for others, but my politics (which includes porn and the use of - and feminism) are a front and central part of who I am and I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I disagreed with on those fundamental positions.

So boundaries are boundaries and well done OP. He sounds (at best) like he has some sexual issues and you are better off out of that.

OP,

be strong, but be careful legally and cautious. Use your head to support your heart. Get legal advice, the boards here will help, if you are in the UK go to the CAB and find out which local solicitors will give you a free half hour. Work out in advance what questions you want to ask them.

For me, it's the type of engagement and the lying that would be the tipping point, although personally I am anti almost all sorts of visual filmed porn as the exploitation of those engaged in the acts is widespread and horrific. And I've suffered from the effects.

But he crossed those lines. He knew what he was doing.

Best wishes.

And also, LHilton, it actually depresses me that you think it good advice for people to be wary of using the internet as a source of support.

There are hundreds of women who have gained sometimes life-saving support on here. It is the biggest reason I am on here.

The ethos of the relationships board, in particular, is based on supporting people going through hard stuff.

There are also areas for lively and sometimes close-to-the-bone debate - and I love that too. Having a good old debate about an issue is a real pleasure (even when steam comes out of my ears at times)

Not here, though. Go to AIBU if you want to debate porn.

Relationships is a supportive board.

Don't go on SEN and try to debate the realities of living with a child with ASD or ADD.

Don't go on the slimmers boards and debate the obesity crisis.

It's not that difficult!

So could you explain then, LHilton498, why you think that filmed, 'non-extreme' porn is fine, in spite of the fact that there is widespread evidence of a) the damage it does, to the many vulnerable people involved in the making of it and b) the increasing evidence that it has an extremely negative effect on young people's understanding of what a respectful sexual relationship should be like?

I know people are very split on the issue of porn, but here is my take on it. I've actually got my own thread on here (boyfriend prefers porn & other women over me) and I am going through a similar problem.

In my opinion porn can be fun and interesting when it is used in a responsible way. If you do not like porn then your partner should respect you enough to not do it. Period.

The porn and lying are two separate. To watch porn and hurt you is bad, but to lie about it is worse. How is your sex life together? Mine is dreadful and I think one of the major factors in that is my OH addiction to porn/other women.

Its up to you whether this effects you or not to leave him. In my case, I am getting to the point where I think separation is the only option to make us both happier.

In my opinion porn can be fun and interesting when it is used in a responsible way.

But that doesn't mean it was made in a responsible way.

I have watched porn with my Dh. And enjoyed it

But even I think Yanbu

He has searched for rape porn, lied to your face, talked to other women online and you're supposed to just be "cool with that" because it isn't real.

No way. Fuck that. Stay strong OP

No of course not, and I am fully aware of the exploitation of women, drugs etc etc. Like I said, I have been dealing with this for over a year with my OH so have researched into pretty much everything in the pursuit of answers.

However, not all pornography is made irresponsibly. There are some people who love their jobs working in the sex industry and if you can source porn in a responsible manner then that is fine...

But the main point here is that the OP does not like her partner viewing pornography, therefore he should be viewing it IMO. Lying to her and doing it again shows he has zero self control, very similar behaviour to my own partner. There are lots of studies done showing the links between pornography and addiction, very similar to smoking, gambling etc.

If her OH is not willing to admit his problem and lies about it, then it is probably time to just end the relationship.

Sorry that should read *he shouldn't be viewing it.

OP why are you leaving the DC? Why not make him leave?

Yes absolutely leave him over this if that's being true to yourself, but I don't understand why you need to leave the DC behind?

If he's broken the relationship surely he should leave?

I might have missed it but where has op said she is leaving the dc behind?

Op has not said she is leaving dc behind

She has made him leave the house is the way I read the op

I thought the same AF. He has left, she will be seeing out her notice on her current rental then her and presumably the dc will move into her mums until she shorts something out.

There's absolutely nothing about her leaving her children with him so I'm not sure where people are getting that from?

Someone actually said 'rape porn is an "acquired" taste'??

what a twat.

Op, I wouldn't want to live with your dh. Stay strong - you sound great.

Lifeissweet - haven't advised 'against' using the internet, merely that it isn't always 'wise' given the advice/opinions you can be faced with. Plus the subject matter has a massive influence on the kind of support you're seeking.

Eolian - you can argue against me all day long on what I've said, but you're telling me that on the mainstream porn sites that are available, those girls with their fake tits out aren't filming that by choice... I'm not talking about or bloody supporting any type of illegal forced porn.

If people don't want to watch it & believe it will influence their view on what a 'respectful relationship' should be like then don't watch it!!! But some couples openly do together & some have very healthy relationships. Everyone is different.

Birdybirdywoofwoof - twat am I? if you read through & keep up, I've held my hands up to my very poor choice of words & continued the support of OP's decision but this thread has massively diverged & I think it unfair to call me names from one quote you've read.

Yeah, sorry, not fair from just one isolated quote.

Aren't you the same poster who kept using the phrase "child pornography" as well?

In my experience you can infer quite a lot about a person by taking note of unguarded comments.

Eolian - you can argue against me all day long on what I've said, but you're telling me that on the mainstream porn sites that are available, those girls with their fake tits out aren't filming that by choice... I'm not talking about or bloody supporting any type of illegal forced porn.

Wow. Just wow. You actually believe that there is no coercion or exploitation on "mainstream" porn sites? And you're eye watering dismissive of the women involved in that industry "those girls with their fake tits out" seriously?

I've no intention of arguing against you all day long. If you're happy that because those women have fake tits and look like they are enjoying it then they all chose it willingly as a career, then you go ahead. Just because that type of porn isn't illegal in itself, that does not mean that vulnerable young women aren't groomed or pressured into doing it against their will.

LHilton

I don't believe it is unwise to seek support on a relationship board set up specifically for people to seek support.

If people want to debate whether porn use is damaging/wrong/normal/expected/exploitative/perfectly healthy they can do it somewhere else.

Then this thread would be a perfectly safe space for a poster to say 'my husband has betrayed my trust and I'm leaving him' and get support and not minimising.

those girls with their fake tits out

• spoken by a guy with real respect for the women (he wanks over.)

I can call you a twat now, can't I? That's at least three times you've sounded like an absolute tosser.

How long do we have to keep making excuses for you?