Porn, lies, porn, lies and repeat.

[Pornybastard]

Title in a nutshell really.

Been with DH 11 years, caught him on some really nasty stuff nearly 7 years ago and wanted to kick him out but got the whole "all men do it" trope so I swallowed it hook line and sinker. This was before I realised just how fucked up the industry is and if I'd have known then what i know I would have made bunting from the reg flags and thrown a party to celebrate his departure but he said (and acted!) as if he had changed, he was very clued up on how damaging it is to intimacy and very VERY certain that part of his life was over and he had grown up and respected women deeply and understood my feminist viewpoint and supported me 100%, even laughing at "sad bastards" (his words) that threw away loving wives and families over a wank.

Well...(you know what's coming)

Caught him again yesterday, on those dodgy chat roulette and some sort of porn messenger app. I've kicked him out, he's at his mothers but if it wasn't for our DC I would love nothing more than never to see his grotty, lying, hypocritical face ever again.

I'm smart, have an excellent career and I'm attractive -no Samantha Brick but we can't all be modelesque eh? Please keep me motivated to keep the little tosses out. Just needing some moral support as the family are now butting in with the "Just one more chance he lurrves you" shite

You have done the right thing, op

Ignore the thick apologists who try to feel better about their own choices by trying to wear down those who know their worth

Fair enough Porny. You know your limits.
What are your next steps now then?

I can move in with parents (they live locally) until I sort somewhere else to live. I've always worked FT so have a good career and some savings we were using a house deposit. Finances are separate anyway but I have access to all accounts so nothing can be "hidden" by him, money doesn't motivate him so I'm not worried there. I'm in the family home at the moment, and will stay here for until the notice is up (rental), I will probably give notice on Monday once I've sorted out livings arrangements etc.

Obviously rape porn is a very acquired taste.

Acquired by what sort of person exactly?!

Thanks AF I wasn't looking for opinions on WIBU (Relationships is not AIBU but knew I was going to be face with the inevitable "you are overreacting" but even those who do like/use porn agree (in the main) that I am NBU. Horses for course 'innit, I could never marry a man that voted Tory but it doesn't mean someone else wont love the poor fuckers.

Your done with his antics. Good for you OP. He's had his chance. And seriously, saying he will go to counselling, he's oblivious to what it entails, isn't he, oh dear, don't hold your breath will you. And tell family and anyone else that sticks their beak in to go take a flying fuck. Pornography is dangerous, anyone that doesn't think so is deluded.

Op I really admire your courage. You sound like a brilliantly strong woman and I totally agree with you on your views on porn and have had issues with porn in my own relationship. It's very wearing and like you said being in a constant state of anxiety is no way to live.

I don't understand the people who are trying to tell her she's over reacting. Porn aside, she explained what her boundaries were in this relationship and he agreed to them. He could have ended the relationship at any point if he felt it was unfair but instead he strung op along and led her to believe her was on the same page. Not only has he shown a complete lack of respect but his actions were also cowardly

All the best with your future op, you sound like you've got it together so I'm sure you'll do just fine

Well done op! I agree that the lies & disrespecting your boundaries, especially given his 'taste' in porn which are the deal breakers here. Chat lines are a step on from porn imo. Others needs to respect your decision, I bet they don't know why he's our on his ear. Stay strong & all the best to you.

You can do this op. Kudos for having self-respect and knowing where your boundaries lie. You will go on and build yourself a good future, I'm quite sure

And the people in this porn you watch? - does their degradation mean nothing to you? Do you care not one wit about the lasses from E Europe who are conned over here with the promise of proper jobs and find themselves in these videos, sometimes after being drawn into addiction by the promoters?

To the OP - this sort of clandestine activity destroys trust - I can understand why you feel the need to move on. So sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

You've done the right thing.

Anyone who gets turned on by rape porn is sick in the head, I can't believe it's been referred to as 'an acquired taste'. Good grief.

Late to the fred, but adding my YANBU. It's the lies and boundary -stomping more than anything.

Porny well done for protecting your self worth. It is revolting and how can you ever enjoy sex wondering just what is going through his mind. Oh well, he has his right hand for company. Let him get on with it!

Rape porn as an "acquired taste"

Marmite is an acquired taste you sick fucker

Jeez guys - my poor choice of words obviously, given the continuously quoted "acquired taste"... I only meant that there's obviously different types of porn out there for everyone, be it weird or not.

I'd say I've backed up OP in what she's done in my other general comments so chill!

Either way, so sorry you're having to go through this, I can't imagine how upsetting & angry you're feeling.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/features/3631523/Lifeclass-A-dark-disease-or-harmless-fun.html

Completely wrong to attack people for expressing a different point of view.

Jesus Fuk it's not about you.

I think the most telling aspect here is the OP's response, irrespective of the transgression - she wants to end the relationship. If she wanted the relationship to work, she wouldn't have reacted as she did. So I don't see a future for it.

But in general (and not specific to this case), I do have sympathy for Fuk's point that porn use alone is not a reason to end a relationship. If it was anything else and the sexes were reversed, the objection would be called controlling behaviour on this board.

So you really think OP, her DC and her husband should go through the massive upheaval of a divorce? I think understanding her husbands behaviour is key here - unless he has done something completely illegal. Yes he was wrong to lie, but people DO lie.

Sitter

It isn't controlling to say, "I can't be in a relationship with someone who does X" - whether X is watching porn, going fox hunting, wearing fur or whatever.

We are all entitled to end a relationship for any reason or none.

For fuck's sake Fuk. Get this, for once and for all. OP said that for her watching porn was a no go, voiced her reasons, he got caught, but then , HE PLAYED ALONG, PRETENDED HE AGREED, BUT WAS LYING! He also was seeking sexual contact with other people. So he is a hypocritical, cheating liar. Do you understand now?

OP you are doing the right thing, you were clear about your boundaries and he has transgressed them terribly

I imagine the porn use defenders on this thread are just terrified at the idea that someone could end a relationship with them over their own porn use, so ignore them

Yonic - I don't want to de-rail here, but really? How about "I can't be in a relationship with someone who goes out without me", or "...spends money without agreeing it with me." Happy with those?

OP are you going to take the DC with you if you move out?

I think you need to take some advice from a solicitor. If you move out and leave the DC with him he would be in a strong position to become the main resident parent of the DC via the courts.

Don't lose your DC over this!