Porn, lies, porn, lies and repeat.

[Pornybastard]

Title in a nutshell really.

Been with DH 11 years, caught him on some really nasty stuff nearly 7 years ago and wanted to kick him out but got the whole "all men do it" trope so I swallowed it hook line and sinker. This was before I realised just how fucked up the industry is and if I'd have known then what i know I would have made bunting from the reg flags and thrown a party to celebrate his departure but he said (and acted!) as if he had changed, he was very clued up on how damaging it is to intimacy and very VERY certain that part of his life was over and he had grown up and respected women deeply and understood my feminist viewpoint and supported me 100%, even laughing at "sad bastards" (his words) that threw away loving wives and families over a wank.

Well...(you know what's coming)

Caught him again yesterday, on those dodgy chat roulette and some sort of porn messenger app. I've kicked him out, he's at his mothers but if it wasn't for our DC I would love nothing more than never to see his grotty, lying, hypocritical face ever again.

I'm smart, have an excellent career and I'm attractive -no Samantha Brick but we can't all be modelesque eh? Please keep me motivated to keep the little tosses out. Just needing some moral support as the family are now butting in with the "Just one more chance he lurrves you" shite

My sexuality does not extend to dirty messages with other men online. If my husbands does then that's fine, just not when married to me.

I agree that messaging other women is a step too far - and that's a very, very different thing if he is watching something illegal...

I love porn but don't think you've overreacted in this case, watching videos is different to chatting to actual people. He's seeking a connection with another person.

The point is surely that whilst some women like porn, in this relationship he was aware that OP did not agree. They agreed that he would not indulge and it was made clear that upon this hung their future. He has betrayed this so it is totally his choice. He has had his one chance. Some might say he should have one more chance for the sake of the DC but I would only entertain this if he was signed up to intensive therapy and on the understanding that there would be no reconciliation until therapy was complete and authenticated. Poor you OP.

He's a twat & you've done the right thing. It staggers me just how many men, don't confront any boredom issues with their partners, rather than reverting to porn to replace what they think is missing.
He's pathetic, well done op

As you know, op, other people's boundaries aren't relevant. Only yours are. no one else has to agree with them (although I fully do).

He knew where he stood. There was no ambiguity. He had the choice to be honest and try to negotiate if he wanted. He made his decision. You were very generous to give him a second chance 7 years ago given what he was looking for. Horrible.

You have the choice to stay with him, knowing that he will continue, or to leave. It's all up to you. Personally I think you're doing the right thing. All the best.

Ignore your ex the apologists OP, he knew your boundaries and he trampled all over them while lying to your face. Regardless of whether this is a dealbreaker for someone else or not, you absolutely have the right to end your relationship over it.

Obviously rape porn is a very acquired taste.

Either way he should have just been open with you, you've been married long enough & if he has it wouldn't have resulted in you splitting up.

Were you happy together apart from this?

Would you want your husband to watch absolutely no porn at all, or would some porn - within boundaries - be ok?

Distrust is such a massive thing. He's been an idiot & look at what he's now lost!

I think you could replace the word poem with anything- gambling, drinking, smoking, etc. If it was established at the beginning of the relationship that it was a deal breaker , he had the choice to back out. Instead he chose to lie, get caught, and lie again. If it's outside the ops boundaries that's fine. He has lied, repeatedly , and that says so much about how much he respects the op, how much regard he holds for her, and how much he values her opinions and whether he shares her values. Regardless of whether you agree with the use of porn- surely his attitude around the ops boundaries and how comfortable and easily he has lied is reason enough to ltb?

Well done op. Don't look back .

He's a bellend. Kick him to the curb, how disgusting. He's betrayed your trust and in my eyes, attempted to cheat on chat roulette type apps. Don't be fed the "every man does it" line. They don't!

OP, if it is unacceptable to you, and he knew this, then he is well rid. Why some posters are trying to move your boundaries on this I cannot quite understand?!

I think porn is a personal issue, between the couple, no one can tell you what you should accept on this.

Stick to your decision, the resulting relationship would not be the same the trust is gone.

Sorry to hear what you've been through OP

You've done the right thing

Obviously rape porn is a very acquired taste.
It's fucking disgusting and if I'd caught my DP watching it I would dump him instantly. He obviously has no respect for women and isn't the person OP thought he was.

It doesn't matter how many men or even people on this thread watch porn. The OP has previously outlined watching porn as deal breaker for her. Once that had been outlined he had a choice to either a) continue the relationship and respect her boundaries or b) leave and find somebody he doesn't mind him watching porn.

It's not so much the porn that's the issue, it's the fact he has completely disregarded her feelings and boundaries and has done so with full knowledge of how it would effect OP and their relationship. The chatting is of course a whole different kettle of fish and adds another disgusting seedy layer of betrayal. So I personally don't think it's an overreaction at all.

Sorry for talking about you like you're not here op. I've got no helpful advice for you but wanted you to know that really do understand and sympathise with how you're feeling.

Is the right to watch porn something men are entitled to now?
I'm no prude, but I'm anti porn in the main for ethical reasons. When I was dating " how much porn do you watch?" and " what sort?" were standard questions to men.
Op, I wouldn't want to be with man who watches porn either, let alone rape porn, let alone sleazy chat/ webcam sites.
You have done the right thing. And have probably only seem the tip of the iceberg anyway.
Life is precious. Live it with people you can trust.

I'm with doji, looks like your "D"H is stalking you online.

I agree with you OP. You had made it clear it was unacceptable, you didn't like it so good riddance. I'd have done the same thing. Good on you. You can do better x

X-posted with lots there. That took ages to type as DS2 woke from his nap.

I do think men and women have a right to watch porn if they want to.

If you married someone who told you they were a non-smoker, and you caught them having a cheeky fag, would you end your marriage? And I think smoking if far worse for your health than porn.

Although, I don't care if hubby looks at porn, I don't know if he does or not, and don't ask, i would to be fair have a proper problem with rape porn, I'd be really concerned why rape turned him on.

And the messaging women via that app, yep, I don't know what I'd do, because you don't until innthat situatuon, but I think that would be a relationship killer for me. And I think the main driver of that would not be the web chat, but the rape porn, I really would find that disturbing.

Fuk Yes I would be equally as upset as either way they wouldn't be who I thought I was. Why don't you go grind your axe on someone else's thread as OP has clearly stated she does not want to stay with her DP. Or are you just here to be a goady fucker?

We all have choices in life Fuk. Some people choose not to live with liars and porn users.