DH is stressed and I'm exhausted

[saturdaygrey]

I've name changed for this as its sensitive and DH has been known to hunt out posts I've made on here.

He's suspended from work: the likely outcome is dismissal and possibly not being able to work in this field again.

So, he's at home all the time.

He's depressed. Stays up until two/three in the morning, watching films and TV box sets loudly. Wants sex, a lot (apparently it's a comfort) but he comes crashing into bed at 3 am and I don't feel like it then. Drinking too much, doing stupid stuff like going outside for a smoke and then leaving the door open and then a child wakes up at 4 am cold and crying.

I'm working after a fashion (supply teaching) so you can imagine what mornings are like after these unsettled nights. I don't really like leaving the children with him and twice our school aged child has missed school because of DH not getting everybody out on time.

I'm so sympathetic but I feel like shaking him as well! What can I do!

Why doesn't he feel sufficient shame about waking you up for sex you don't want, depriving you of sleep, depriving his children of sleep, failing to take his child to school?

See this is the problem, the bottom line is he feels shame about seeking help that will prevent him from being a shit partner and a shit husband but he doesn't feel shame about being a shit husband and a shit father.

That isn't depression. That is what happens when someone who has values witch allow them to be a shit husband and a shit father gets depressed.

Well if he has been going to bed at 3.00am I suppose that midnight would be earlier to you. Your whole sense of what is "normal" is somewhat skewed isn't it?. This is still not condusive to any sort of smooth running of a household. How long have you been sleeping in your DDs room as well?.

If he really does feel a sense of shame (or is that merely your own thought processes at work here) why is he then dumping all of this onto you solely?. What are you supposed to be doing for him?. As his wife you are too close and too over invested to be of any real support to him anyway. Not that he wants this of course.

I think its all going to come crashing down around your ears soon enough and that crash is something you cannot prevent.

And do you think it is in any way normal to feel the need to sleep in your daughter's room to avoid a drunken sexmpest of a husband waking you up and making you exhausted?!

I'm confused. He's not a danger to the children but you're not confident that he can be left alone. But you are still leaving the children with him.

Do you mean that if your DH makes a suicide attempt (I'm sorry to go into it but we are talking about the welfare of some children here), you are confident he would do so in a manner that would not put your children at risk? Because I don't think you should be at all reassured by that thought.

And your thinking re 'he supported me through suicidal thinking'... well that doesn't make you indebted... In fact it makes it all the more important that you are not left in this situation too long because you are more vulnerable and less likely to be resilient through his crisis.

He may well have supported you when you were suicidal but that doesn't mean it would have been appropriate for him to have used you for childcare at such a time.

I think you should pay for some proper childcare, just as you would do if you were on your own. Just at the moment, you are on your own.

If I do that I might as well not work.

I really don't mean to be on your case and I can see the problem you're in re childcare, but you're backtracking. You don't leave your children with someone you are compulsively checking in with to check he hasn't made a suicide attempt. You just don't. You're not making sense in any responsible way and you seem to have lost sight of the fact that your children are the vulnerable ones here before anything your DH may be feeling. He's also being a selfish prick, regardless of what else is going on with his mental health. I have known plenty of very mentally ill people (who were hospitalised at the time, as was I), and it didn't make them do any of the things your DH is doing.

If that is really true about work then don't work. You working is not sustainable right now. Your children are more important.

Offred has made a good point about you being vulnerable. I hadn't really picked up on that. Is there any chance you are depressed now?

TBH I actually think working is about more than just money. Financially you might break even but emotionally and psychologically you may get a lot more out of it than it takes. Especially if you are able to have your head in work and not worrying about what he is doing at home with your dc.

I have to ask, is he always a prick? Is this situation just magnifying his normal behaviour?

You've got loads of red flags waving. You are having sex when you don't want it because he wants it for comfort and you seem resigned to that rather than angry. You rank his feelings above yours. You felt selfish for getting annoyed when he was too self absorbed and whiney to put a hat and gloves on a child. He is stubborn. He got fired for something career ending. He feels shame about it but won't get help, presumably because maintaining a particular image is extremely important to him, more important than hidden suffering behind closed doors. He searches for what you write online and takes the piss out of you later. He doesn't like you spoiling his image even with anonymous strangers who will never ever know who he is.

You have felt suicidal when in the relationship. Did he encourage you to get help then? Did he step back from the online stalking and belittling, so you could feel comfortable getting advice from this nest of vipers?

Do you talk to your RL mates about this now and did you back when you were severely depressed? Have you talked to his RL mates to see if they can get through to him?

Your poor kids! He refuses to get help and you are co-dependent and enabling. They have no choice. I hope he duffs up taking them a few more times and social services gets involved.

I maintain that anyone who says ltb either has little understanding of mental illness or little compassion. Would you say ltb if he was struggling to cope with a cancer diagnosis? Depression makes us very selfish by its very nature and it feels far safer to ask your spouse for support than your Dr. I agree Saturday that is that great sense ofshame that is stopping him asking for support. Theres 2 approaches. The reassurance that this is nothing to be ashamed of and the making him face upto what this illness is doing to you and the children. Probably both together.

Yes we have services involved now but that is relatively recent only last few years. We have muddled through on our own up till then. No we don't have children yet they are inour future plans with full support ofDHs MH team. And emergency back up plans will be put in place for when DH becomes ill. I think Saturday I Iin the best position to judge I Iits safe to leave DC with DH.

I didnt ask DH to leave he asked me to leave as he thought I and others were planning to kill him then gave up our home and when his money ran out lived on the streets until the council found him a place in a hostel. I would never have asked him to leave but didn't move straight back in together as I needed time and space.

What compassion or even consideration has this man shown for the OP?. The man is supposed to be her H. He has caused her and continues to cause her nothing but anguish and he refuses to seek outside help expecting his wife to carry it all. He has no shame although the shame here is all his. He also has a wife who has enabled him. What she has tried to date has not worked.

Who has said LTB, name one person?

Also, anxious I think it would be immensely selfish to deliberately bring children into your relationship. And hugely irresponsible.

Have you been suicidal?

You are encouraging someone vulnerable who has her own MH problems to be the sole source of support for this man.

But equally, why shouldnt people suggest leaving. No-one has to be an 'anxious carer' most people want to be an equal partner. That doesn't mean one or other of you never going through a difficult time or both of you always being perfect. This situation and your situation are not examples of equal partnerships.

What a horrible post, Offred

I've had many years of kindness and love by DH and they aren't negated by two weeks of idiotic behaviour.

I don't have MH problems and I'm about as vulnerable as a cart horse.

Apologies, I thought you said he'd been suspended due to his drinking. I misread one of your posts.

What do you want from the thread?

People read about the horrible home life for your dc and they reacted to it. That was always going to happen.

Instead of making you defensive, it should be opening your eyes.

Well if you are not vulnerable then everything should be fine. From what you write however, it clearly is not. The title of your post says that you're exhausted.

He has placed you in a very vulnerable position and you're had two weeks of this so far. This chaos is showing no signs of ending for your child either who is also caught in the crossfire.

What is wrong with having MH problems?

Why do you see that as an insult?

You said he helped you through being suicidal. Being suicidal is a MH problem.

What a curious response

And TBF no-one is saying that everything that went before is negated by what is happening now, just that you need to get your head around what is happening now not try and deal with all this within your own family.

And this has not been going on for just two weeks, don't minimise it. He has a history of hunting down your posts online and 'teasing' you about them. That is very controlling behaviour.

offred its funny but the MH proffesionals who work with us don't agree with you there believe me its been carefully considered and discussed with them at length. Yes I have been suicidal in the past, long ago before I met DH, have suffered from depression a couple of times, and currently am unwell with PTSD which presents as anxiety, pannic attacks and urges to self harm. I probably understand OPs position better than a lot of posters. I am not encouraging her to be the sole source of support, just offering her support and understanding her current situation.

Anyway this is not about me, my DH or our potential future children.

Saturday from a practical perspective, if your GP signed you off with stress would you be able to access financial support through statuary sick pay or ESA? Could also be a possibility for DH if he will speak to GP, another incentive maybe. I also wonder if he sees you going to GP to get support for yourself if he would be more likely to agree to go himself, as he clearly needs to. It would be worth looking into this for yourself both with DHs current pay and without it. If you could manage with this it would give you the time out you need to focus on your MH and care for the kids whilst DH is unwell. Its a short term solution, but might give you the breathing space you need.

Also feel free to join us on th MH board if you need advice for you or DH or just a chat, we are a friendly bunch.