DH is stressed and I'm exhausted

[saturdaygrey]

I've name changed for this as its sensitive and DH has been known to hunt out posts I've made on here.

He's suspended from work: the likely outcome is dismissal and possibly not being able to work in this field again.

So, he's at home all the time.

He's depressed. Stays up until two/three in the morning, watching films and TV box sets loudly. Wants sex, a lot (apparently it's a comfort) but he comes crashing into bed at 3 am and I don't feel like it then. Drinking too much, doing stupid stuff like going outside for a smoke and then leaving the door open and then a child wakes up at 4 am cold and crying.

I'm working after a fashion (supply teaching) so you can imagine what mornings are like after these unsettled nights. I don't really like leaving the children with him and twice our school aged child has missed school because of DH not getting everybody out on time.

I'm so sympathetic but I feel like shaking him as well! What can I do!

And it is your children who have nowhere to go. He is an adult. He can find somewhere to go and where he finds to go is not your problem. Keeping you children safe is your real problem.

Him having nowhere to go should be helpful. He needs to not fuck up his marriage. He's currently failing to give support to you and failing to show that he values your relationship. He is following the yellow brick road path to LTB, he can step off that path.

You not being able to give up work to be his carer should also be helpful. He needs outside help. He is refusing. Tbh, you playing therapist is not working, he has not got any better, probably got worse and you are cracking. Now is the time to tell him he has to get proper help because you can't do it all.

You need to be paying for counselling for one of you, if he won't do it for himself then you need to do it for yourself. The current situation of you doing everything, him wallowing and you providing amateur psychiatric services is not working.

You think he is borderline suicidal. That's horrific. That's frogmarch to a psychiatrist time, not gentle gentle don't make him face his demons time.

Op you cannot change him, he can only try to change himself by getting help. It may or may not work but at least the trying is something.

What can you realistically do? What you are doing isn't working, it's driving your nerves up the wall and it's dangerous and impossible to keep up in the long run. You need to seek outside help and advice. You also need to be frank and honest with him. While you aren't he is never going to accept the reality of how his actions impact on you.

You also do need to know when to say enough. Not ltb but simply enough is enough this can't continue, I've done everything I can and it's affecting me and the kids. It's down to you now, you need to show us you are willing to try.

I once fostered a child whose father made a suicide attempt while she was in his care-she came home from school to discover him.

Everyone was very surprised. No one expected him to go so far on a school day.
And it stayed with her, needless to say.

Children do not 'keep depressed people alive '. Nor should you be thinking in such a way-as a mother, that is actually pretty horrific and you should hope that your children never work out how you have used them during this difficult period of their lives.

OP, your priorities should be primarily about your kids because they are vulnerable and innocent of any wrong doing, unlike your dh who is an adult encountering consequences.

He won't go to the Dr and he won't stop drinking? You think there is a real possibility he'll take his life but hopefully not if he has the children with him? And you think the message your kids will take away is that you support your spouse?

The relationship board is full of adults looking back at parents who allowed their spouses to behave in damaging ways and now don't understand why their adult children feel betrayed and resentful. It's a form of selfishness.

Having fostered, I'm irritated and disgusted by your posts.

Yes, leaving the children with a suicidal parent is not a good idea.

My mother attempted suicide, while my sibling and I were at school (she survived thankfully). She was there in the morning and then.. she wasn't. I don't think anyone thought she would do it either, but sadly she did. That happened 30 years ago and the impact on both of us continues today.

If he's really suicide rather than (sorry) just being manipulative he needs urgent help.

And the drinking will be making things worse, he needs to knock that on the head.

*suicidal

My DH struggled after his dad died.

He was short tempered and his behaviour began to slide. I left it for nearly a year because I wanted to let him grieve and thought things would improve. In the end I had to deal with it. He is a good man who I love and his behaviour wasn't like him.

One evening I called him on it. I told him that I love him very much but that I could see he was very unhappy and that it must be so exhausting being that unhappy that he just wasn't being himself. I told him that as much as I love him, his behaviour was affecting his relationship with our daughter and if it continued it might damage it permanently, so we needed to change things so that didn't happen. I said it had got to the stage where I knew he was depressed, not just upset, and that clearly weren't able to pull out of it by ourselves so it was time to get some outside help and see a GP. I offered to go with him or he could go by himself if he preferred, whatever he felt most comfortable with, but that it was time to change so he could find some peace.

I gave him a big hug, then held his hands, smiled and looked into his eyes and told him I loved him and wanted him to feel better again.

Later that evening he asked me if I would go to the GP with him, he phoned for an appointment the next morning.

Even until we saw the GP (quite a wait till the appointment) he seemed better. It was a relief to him to know he was loved and finally face up to the fact he had a problem and that there was hope that we could find him some peace.

Of course, I can only speak about what worked for us in the context of an otherwise happy marriage to a man I love who had just been floored by his dad's death. If it hadn't have been a good marriage I'd have LTB to protect my DD and because I won't put up with being treated like shit by anyone.

I just don't know if he's suicidal or not. But I do feel some of you are taking something I've said, and twisting it.

I've said he's depressed and possibly suicidal but that doesn't mean I think he's a danger to our children.

I've said he's been drinking due to stress but that doesn't mean he's an alcoholic.

I would genuinely like to know what some of you would apparently do? And he's supported me. And I have been suicidal at times. If he'd chucked me out I'd probably have done it.

Joysmum thanks. I think this is the problem, very early days. I don't know what to expect at this stage.

Of course being suicidal/depressed doesn't mean you're a threat to your children. My mum was never a threat to us. But there will be a "mood" in the house that your children pick up on, that something isn't quite right with Dad.

You've said upthread you feel you have to text him constantly throughout the day because you're worried he might kill himself, that's what people have picked up on I think. Is this is something you do to reassure yourself that he's ok? Do you get worrying messages if you don't text him?

Also, what RL support do you have access to? Would you visit the GP for yourself?

You said you were leaving the children with him to stop him killing himself. That's what people are picking up on.

And that he has, more than once, failed to take his child to school because of his drinking.

What do you get out of this relationship now Saturday?. What has and is keeping you within this at all?.

Your children are now basically seeing both parents fall apart in different ways in front of their very eyes. You could in all likelihood end up with a nervous breakdown because of the situation your H has put you all in.

Is this really what you want for your children, why are you seemingly still putting this man before them?.

I agree that the children should not be left with him if he's actively suicidal (ie planning to kill himself) and cannot manage without constant reassurance.

Not because he is a danger to them but because it's a very unhealthy situation for children to be in, as I know from my own unhappy experience.

Even if he isn't suicidal.

Leaving children with someone because you are worried he will kill himself and you think he won't if he has to look after them is incredibly messed up.

It is really, whether he is suicidal or not, an absolute sign of a parent willing to put their children at risk for the sake of propping up a relationship.

Yes I agree, the children shouldn't be put in that situation. It is concerning that everything seems to centered around his needs.

What would I do?

I would not LTB in your situation.

I would be putting major pressure on him to get outside mental health support by pushing whatever buttons I know work best on him.

This is simply because the current set up isn't working any more. You don't know how else to help. You are at the end of your tether. Your reserves have been drained, you wish they weren't but that's how it is. He is self-sabotaging and is not improving. You both need help if you are to survive. Get the help, listen to their advice.

What would I do? I'd make my staying and supporting him conditional on him seeking help and pulling his shit together enough to stop drinking so much that he leaves doors open at 3am and forgets to take his kids to school.

And I'd give him a timeframe. If he didn't meet it, then I'd have to get the kids, and myself, out of that situation before he dragged us all down with him.

Agree with judgy

I know you won't want to give details of what he was suspended for but what kind of thing are we talking about?

Is it theft, dishonesty, blatant disregard of the rules, bullying, harassment, gross incompetence, dangerous conduct, downloading porn at work?

Is that big mistake symptomatic of his bad side in general?

Huge hugs Saturday,

As I said before I've been in a similar situation with DH more than once, we are in one of those dips at the moment. Not coping at work due to MH issues exacerbated by stress leading to disciplinary and DH handing notice in. Now DH desperately trying to keep his head above water struggling with substances and at times having suicidal thoughts. Feeling utterly worthless and guilty. And feeling like he has let me down.

Those saying ltb obviously have no or little understanding of mental health. Your DH is not a B he's a human under imense stress as are you.

The differences in our situatons are that we don't have children. And thatthis time arround DH Iis already on medication with known MH problems which are managed by a psychiatrist and CPN and we both have a lot of support inplace. And I've still ended up off work with stress.

There was a point when DH and I seperated for 6 months when he was at his poorliest. I still loved him and supported him I just couldn't cope 24/7 and needed to be able to have that bit of space and time off from caring. I had carer fatigue. DH was a mess during this time and made several suicide attempts. Initially he resisted help from MH services but eventiually I managed to pursuade him to engage and things got stedily better. At his lowest point he was living on the streets dependant on alcohol and other services. This wasthe rock bottom for him. Throughout this time I constantly reassured him I loved him, cooked hot meals for him and we did things together and gradually he struggled back out the hole with a lot of support from me and the MH services. DH has un underlying MH condition only diagnosed at this lowest point so it was not just stress that led to this and I hope that you and your DH don't ever sink to this point. The most important thing is to make time for you. I am spending a large part of my current sick leave doing things to benefit my mental health e.g. gym, swimming, meeting friends for coffee, councelling and CPN appointments. I also encourage DH to join me for walks, bike rides and watch films together. DH would like me to spend all my time with himbut I have made it clear that this time off work is for my MH not his. I have had many years practice at this though and still don't always get the ballance between his MH needs and mine! Feel free to PM me.

You don't know anything about what experience we all have with mental health issues anxious.

You have chosen that life for yourself. You don't have children that are being woken up, left at home with a suicidal spouse, who are not being taken to school etc Your h is also engaged with support services.

Two massive differences there and still there would be no shame in saying 'this is too much'.

Thank you.

It's not that I'm leaving the children with him to stop him killing himself. Let me try to explain.

DH can't work at the moment, that's the point of suspension obviously. So even though he's on full pay right now it is sensible to be pragmatic and recognise soon he probably won't be.

My day of supply mean I'll break even with two preschoolers in nursery. If I get supply otherwise I'm paying for a nursery place I don't need.

Or I can leave them with their other parent. Would they be better with me? I think so. Would they come to any harm with him, no.

I agree we need a timeframe but it's very early days.

When you ask him to see his doctor, what is his response?

AnxiousCarer where did your dh go when you first asked him to leave? I think the OP feels she doesn't have the option of getting him to give her space as he doesn't have alternative accommodation, and I don't think making him homeless is something she could probably stomach.

OP Does he not have any friends that he can stay with temporarily? I can see you feel you don't really have much room for manoeuvre.
How hard have you tried to get him to go to the doctor? How does that conversation end? It seems that if you are not going to be able to force him out, you have to force him to go to the Dr. otherwise what can you do?? Do it with love, but something has to give, the current set up is patently not doing anyone any good.

Can you at the very least insist he sleeps on the sofa and stops bothering you in the middle of the night? I just can't imagine your exhaustion. It sounds like sleep torture.

I think he feels such a sense of shame that he doesn't even want the doctor to know about it.

He's been much better on Saturday night and last night about sleeping - I slept in our daughters' room so it wasn't a problem but in any case I think he went to bed around midnight so late but civilised late.