DH is stressed and I'm exhausted

[saturdaygrey]

I've name changed for this as its sensitive and DH has been known to hunt out posts I've made on here.

He's suspended from work: the likely outcome is dismissal and possibly not being able to work in this field again.

So, he's at home all the time.

He's depressed. Stays up until two/three in the morning, watching films and TV box sets loudly. Wants sex, a lot (apparently it's a comfort) but he comes crashing into bed at 3 am and I don't feel like it then. Drinking too much, doing stupid stuff like going outside for a smoke and then leaving the door open and then a child wakes up at 4 am cold and crying.

I'm working after a fashion (supply teaching) so you can imagine what mornings are like after these unsettled nights. I don't really like leaving the children with him and twice our school aged child has missed school because of DH not getting everybody out on time.

I'm so sympathetic but I feel like shaking him as well! What can I do!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If he has nowhere to go that is his issue and not yours. He will find somewhere. You sound like you want to continue to look after him and mother him because that meets some innate need in you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What is your definition of an alcoholic Saturday, if not your H?.

What do his family of origin think of your H?.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Do you realise how awful it is that he seeks out your posts? That's a nasty thing to do.

Why don't you want him seeing that you are talking about him? There is nothing obvious about that at all.

He has serious issues. He is refusing to get help. What could possibly be wrong with seeking anonymous help? That's a totally normal thing to do.

I have to say, you are waving a whole bunch of red flags, what with the stalking and you actually stating that he is more important than you (the children weren't even in the ranking).

He is cutting off your support network. He is making sure that even anonymous people on the internet don't get the full story, as it unfolds over time, because you feel you have to name change.

What could be the downside to us vipers here getting a picture from past posts, what is he afraid of us piecing together?

[Shiningexample]

The drinking and demanding sex at times which obviously don't work for you, these are attempts to self medicate, to numB his feelings
We all need strategies to cope but he is choosing methods which will only cause further damage and ultimately make life spiral out of control

He is on a self destructive path, if he doesn't stop he'll take you all down with him

[MrsBertBibby]

Saturday, you cannot leave your children with a man you think might kill himself. Can you begin to imagine what the consequences for them would be if he did that whilst they were there? And can you possibly believe he has their care prioritised when he is in that state? He's drinking a lot, and he's sleep deprived. This isn't OK.

[Shiningexample]

He no longer has a sense of agency from work and he's trying to get it by controlling you and the domestic environment

[saturdaygrey]

I don't understand what you mean by 'family of origin', I'm really sorry, I'm not being rude I just genuinely don't know.

What I mean by he's more important is in this particular situation he is really the one suffering.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Family of origin - his parents.

[saturdaygrey]

What do his own parents think of their son? I imagine they feel about him how I feel about mine. I imagine they loved him?

[Shiningexample]

His suffering is causing suffering for the rest of the family

[saturdaygrey]

Yes, and no.

We will suffer insofar as reduced income.

He is suffering insofar as shame, stress, guilt, his burden is more.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And you Saturday as well as your child are suffering as a result of his actions.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I do not think your burden is any less, infact he is chucking his own burdens onto you. You will end up completely broken and lost if you do choose to stay with him. The effects of all this on your child are none other than damaging.

[Katisha]

He needs resolution on the job front so he can start to try to come to terms with reality. When is this likely to happen? Then can the union point him in the direction of counselling/ redundancy type advice?

[Myusernameismyusername]

You are stuck in a cycle with him. You want change but you don't want to implement change, take a risk because change and risks are scary.
To get out of it you need to take action.
Otherwise I don't think anyone can see an answer for you except continuing on the way you are.
People who have had hard times before come here and say harsh words of experience as they know how much effort and risks you have to take sometimes to make life better. They aren't saying things to hurt you.

[MaybeDoctor]

Controversial, but I feel as if you are feeling a bit too sorry for him here. Unless he was framed (which is unlikely), he has clearly committed some serious form of wrongdoing which, in a caring profession, could potentially affect someone's life. So I would feel sorry for the guilt and sadness he is feeling, but not as sorry for him as I might for someone who is a victim of circumstance. But only you and he know the facts...and there, but for the

[PoldarksBreeches]

You're massively codependent and enabling and you need therapy yourself. You're failing your children to be honest - they need protecting from his awful behaviour not being used as 'the thing that will keep him alive'. That's not their responsibility.

[Mitfordhons]

Your Dh sounds a bit like mine, who is lovely but a bit flakey. Inclined to stay up late drinking and contemplating the world when life gets tough. We've had times like this over the years, after a while say a couple of weeks maybe ten days I've found that a good honest talk helps. Understanding, sympathetic but ok you've wallowed but now for your own good you've got to start looking after yourself and that means getting up in the morning having a shower and facing the world. It means eating well - what you do like that's good, quick & healthy, great lets get that in. It means no more than a drink or two, remember alcohol won't help your mood and it means no staying up late, going to bed at the same time even if he's awake he can read etc. Make it about what's right for him more than what's right for you. that way your not kicking a man when he's down, but drawing a line and say come, time to buck up.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Could the union get him access to mental health services? Might he listen to the union rep about getting help? The union rep will understand what DH has to feel guilty and ashamed about.

My FIL was a union rep, he was very familiar with all the support available and often nudged his members in trouble towards those services. They would often listen to his advice more than others.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Reading between the lines, I'm assuming your DH is either a dentist/lawyer/doctor or accountant and there are regulatory issues here.

In that instance, flopping around acting the arse will get him no where. I did a lot of regulatory work representing professionals at disciplinary hearing and fitness to practice ones. The key thing to show here is insight both in terms if the disciplinary issue and how the professional deals with the disciplinary process. Drinking oneself into a stupor and going into a downward spiral does not do that

Yes - totally understandable that this is very, very stressful. However if your DH wants the best chance of saving his career - even to a limited extent (restrictions rather than striking off), he needs to pull himself together and get along to the doctor to get himself into a fit enough state to deal with the disciplinary process/fitness to practice. He can go to a private GP if privacy etc is an issue.

He should also have professional indemnity insurers if he's a medic/dentist/lawyer (although that will be via his firm unless he's a sole practitioner). They can offer counselling helplines - I would get him to check that out too

The other alternative is,if he really feels he can't cope with matters, is that he resigns with immediate effect and applies to be removed from whatever professional register he is on. There would then (probably) be no need for a disciplinary hearing or a fitness to practice one. It's the nuclear option but would remove the immediate stress. Although he would need professional help adjusting and to help fund a new role outwits his profession

I would give him both of these options

[bobbinogs]

My Dh suffers from depression and depends a bit too much on alcohol sometimes, it's affected our income in the past, we've managed some tricky times in the past........we've come through it and work as a team really well...
Read depression Fallout - it helps you to recognise what's going on and come up with solutions
Understand that your Dh has a horrible illness but he is not a child, he has to take responsibility and find a way forward, this should involve talking to health professionals.
There is nothing you can do to make things better for him, you will exhaust yourself, he has to do it himself.
You are very very important, you need to prioritise your physical and mental health for the sake of your children.
You must draw a line in the sand in terms of your Dh being responsible and prioritising the safety and comfort of your children, if he cannot do this then he needs to go.
I reached a point where I had to say get help, show me you're committed to making things work and I'll support you all the way, carry on like this and you have to go. I set a deadline and was fully prepared to follow through, he went to GP, counselling, stopped drinking every night and we got though together, but he did it, it was his choice....good luck

[Shurelyshomemistake]

I do think there are issues in your relationship and you being the rescuer but boy you are getting a hard time on here. You are trying very hard to do your best by everyone.

It is possible that DH is not an alcoholic. Lots of depressed people behave erratically and self-medicate with drink especially if they have sleeping problems. It doesn't necessarily make them lifelong alcoholics even if their current use of alcohol is dangerous and concerning.

I do think ultimately he needs a forceful shove to get help. You could stay home for a couple of days while he goes to the doctors. If he doesn't then he will have to leave and go to his parents for a bit. You'll have to call on the help of a friend to do school drop off and pick up if so while arranging more permanent childcare.

[EweAreHere]

Ask him to go stay with his parents while he sorts himself out.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Your being a doormat.