DH is stressed and I'm exhausted

[saturdaygrey]

I've name changed for this as its sensitive and DH has been known to hunt out posts I've made on here.

He's suspended from work: the likely outcome is dismissal and possibly not being able to work in this field again.

So, he's at home all the time.

He's depressed. Stays up until two/three in the morning, watching films and TV box sets loudly. Wants sex, a lot (apparently it's a comfort) but he comes crashing into bed at 3 am and I don't feel like it then. Drinking too much, doing stupid stuff like going outside for a smoke and then leaving the door open and then a child wakes up at 4 am cold and crying.

I'm working after a fashion (supply teaching) so you can imagine what mornings are like after these unsettled nights. I don't really like leaving the children with him and twice our school aged child has missed school because of DH not getting everybody out on time.

I'm so sympathetic but I feel like shaking him as well! What can I do!

[Whocansay]

FWIW I didn't mean LTB. I just meant he should stay with a relative until he can sort himself out. Your children really don't need to be exposed to this.

I don't mean to sound heartless, but you have to make a choice and personally I would choose to prioritise the children's needs in their home.

I'm not sure what kind of depression involves getting shitfaced watching tv and then waking your exhausted wife up for sex though. That just sounds like the actions of a selfish prick. Whatever he's been fired for was his own fault. At the moment he is refusing to help himself at all, so I don't see how things will improve. You can't do it for him.

[Myusernameismyusername]

There is another thread at the moment on here about an OP worried for her depressed drug and alcohol dependent partner (mind body and soul) and some of it has been very heartbreaking. There comes a line where you are trying to save a marriage and a partner but you are drowning and taking the kids down too all the while finding excuses and reasons why you can't take steps to help yourselves. For me that's the crux. You CAN get help for yourself and you CAN take steps to save someone and your marriage but you have to actually do them. Currently you aren't helping anyone by finding ways to minimise the situation.
Many of us, myself included have had alcoholic parents and the damage it has caused is irreparable

[saturdaygrey]

I honestly don't think he is an alcoholic! I just mentioned he has been drinking and unfortunately everyone has fixated on that.

As for leaving the children with him - well, hopefully that's what might just keep him alive and like I say, he has promised he isn't going to do anything stupid but I just have a horrible feeling. I've never, ever seen him like this before.

[Myusernameismyusername]

What would you like us to help you with
What is it you are looking for

[saturdaygrey]

I suppose I'm wondering how best to get through this without going insane myself

[Whensmyturn]

Whocansay. Being a selfish prick is classically the symptom of depression. If you're depressed you do anything to try to feel better and get some relief from it but you're also often scared of the unfamiliar like doctors. You have no motivation so classically you don't feel able to help yourself.

[Katisha]

I imagine the uncertainty is horrendous. When we he know the result of the suspension and his position re being able to work again? Has he got any legal or union support?

[saturdaygrey]

Yes, the union are being very good.

The best possible option is he resigns with a reference that is 'worked here from X until Y.'

[Myusernameismyusername]

Honestly I think you need to go speak to someone so you aren't doing this alone. We can all give you flowers and support but in real terms this won't help you in your real daily life.

That is not true about depression for everyone at all. But perhaps because mine has never been circumstantial/stress triggered depression, it is linked to my hormones and sometimes just happens that my serotonin goes haywire (winter often) that I am able to be less selfish about it and try to manage it to the best of my ability.

[EweAreHere]

As for leaving the children with him - well, hopefully that's what might just keep him alive and like I say, he has promised he isn't going to do anything stupid but I just have a horrible feeling. I've never, ever seen him like this before.

An awful gamble there. You are actually gambling with your children's lives and well being. Do you really not see that? If he is truly depressed, and acting in a way you've never seen before, and you are already seriously worried about him taking his own life, what on earth makes you think any promises (under duress) wouldn't stop something terrible from happening?

AT the very least, find someone else to have the children if you're not home.

[saturdaygrey]

Well, that's something easy to say and not so easy to do, I'm afraid. Sometimes you can't do the ideal - just 'what's best.'

[ImperialBlether]

My ex husband suffered from depression and it made me feel awful. In the end I had to tell him that either he sought help from the doctor or I would divorce him. He was really shocked and went to the doctor for help - the AD's were great and pretty soon he could cope. The way he'd been behaving, I could see he would lose his job and his friends if it continued. Sometimes you have to be really tough in order to make an impact. Being kind and helpful isn't working at the moment, is it? Time to try another tack.

[Myusernameismyusername]

You are pretty deep in denial. I don't think you are facing up to the reality of this yourself either. You want a solution that doesn't exists that involves shielding him from what you perceive is the stress that getting help would bring instead of focusing on what positives help would bring. You can still sit someone vulnerable down and say 'I'm scared for you, and scared for me. We need to speak to someone about how to help you through this'

Do you have anyone, literally anyone you can talk to for support? Friends? Samaritans was a good idea. Also Al-anon. You don't have to have a certificate of alcoholism to speak to al-anon for support they wouldn't turn you away.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I think you should get yourself to a counsellor.

It is possible that seeing you getting help for yourself will encourage him to do the same. Even if it doesn't, it will help you to work out the best way forward to protect yourself and the children, without hurting him more than is unavoidable if he won't help himself.

On this thread you sound seriously depressed yourself. You say he won't do anything to help himself but is suicidal. You say he has done something so bad at work that he has been dismissed and might never work in that field again. He didn't take the children to school.

I think you will go insane if you don't start recognising that your mental health is as important as his.

You talk like it is loving to protect him from the inevitable effects of the choices he is making. That way lies madness.

[Katisha]

So how long before the work situation is decided?

[saturdaygrey]

We can hardly afford counselling, given we may soon have no one working. In any case, I'm fine: he's the important one here, not me.

[Gingernaut]

Why is he suspended? What's he done or not done?

Is his suspension and probable dismissal caused by his mental state.

If so, unless he seeks help for whatever ails him, he's likely to fuck up his next job if he gets one.

He can't sleep so he drinks.

Alcohol disturbs the ability to sleep naturally, so he can't sleep so he drinks.

He drinks because he's depressed. Alcohol is a depressant.

His depression gets even worse so he drinks some more.

HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC.

He's drinking because he's an alcoholic.

He is not a functioning alcoholic.

He is not functioning.

Anyone else would not be lounging around drinking an playing computer games, leaving the house cold and unsafe for children.

They'd be looking for another job, signing up for agencies and trying to negotiate a half decent exit.

He needs help. He needs a doctor. You need to speak to Al-Anon.

[saturdaygrey]

I really can't talk about his suspension but it had nothing to do with drink and he isn't an alcoholic.

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, I disagree with "He's the important one here, not me."

This is a very damaging point of view. He has got himself sacked. He's now not coping. This is as much to do with you as it is to do with him. You are as important as he is. He has to accept that he's behaving in a completely inappropriate way. He's putting you all at further risk. He's spending money you need to save on alcohol. He's leaving doors open, coming to bed in the middle of the night and he needs to get a grip - I know he's depressed but he has caused this problem and only he can resolve it.

He's acting like a child and frankly you're enabling this. You need to come down hard now and tell him to go to the doctor or go to his mum's to stay. Not LTB, but go and stay somewhere where you're not causing more damage.

[saturdaygrey]

Oh, he's always done that, really bloody annoying. I don't think he hunts them down exactly but has a nose. And then teases me about them later! But I obviously don't want him seeing I'm explicitly talking about him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Sometimes you can't do the ideal - just 'what's best.'

Best for whom?. Its certainly not for the child who is seeing both parents fall apart in front of him/her in different ways.

Your "best" has not been good enough and he has and continues to do nothing. He does not want your help or support at all and will not see the GP, infact you are the last person who can help him and I mean that most kindly. You are too close and too overinvested yourself so you have problems also.

[saturdaygrey]

He's nowhere to go, Imperial. We aren't teenagers.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"In any case, I'm fine: he's the important one here, not me".

No, you are not fine at all and you're lying to yourself. You are just as important as he is in this equation. Believing otherwise is a road that you do not want to walk down. Putting his own needs above yours is damaging and is co-dependency.

[Shiningexample]

I think what I'm showing my children is that you support your spouse
could also be construed as enabling him to the detriment of your children