Hi OP. You say you wouldn't describe your H as an alcoholic but do acknowledge he drinks too much during stressful periods. So I'm going to use your terminology if you don't mind and do something a little different; both myself and my exP were the children of fathers who drank too much during stressful periods and I'm going to give you a little glimpse into what our lives were like growing up. Since you are adamant that you won't ask him to leave, this is how your children might feel about their childhood when they grow up...
My dad drank too much. Sometimes he was funny, but mostly he was lazy, aggressive and pervy to my mum. He could also be depressed and spent most of our childhood sleeping it off his drunken stupors on the sofa. Our living room was barely used by us as it became his room. He walloped is a few times when drunk. My mum pretended she didn't know. He DID hold down his job, but the rest of the time he was only focused on getting to the pub. We used to hear him talking to himself (threatening to kill people in his one-way convos) - it was terrifying... I remember my mum bundling me and my sister in the car in our PJ's numerous times to go and collect him as he hadn't bothered to come home from the pub.
My mum eventually did leave him when I was 20 and my sister was 17. By that point, I was already living in my own place as a single mother to a 2 year old - yep - a teenage pregnancy. Ran away to the first bloke I could find who, surprise surprise, was also a substance abuser. She left my sister with my dad. My sis used to dread waking up each morning because she thought she'd find him dead on the sofa. It really fucked her up and I used to bring her to stay at mine a lot.
My exDP however (the father to my youngest two DC and who I met after leaving my eldest's dad), has a situation VERY similar to yours.
His dad lost his job (redundancy) when his younger sister was a baby. He was expected to find work within the fortnight (no disciplinary in his case) but then was out of work for the next 6 YEARS. He was depressed of course, but instead of seeking help, he let his wife work two jobs AND do most of the housework and childcare, whilst he just sat and drank into the night. He was "too depressed" to work or adequately care for his kids, but was happy to let his wife shoulder all the burden. He also refused to get help for his depression. My exP didn't have his own bedroom, they were so poor, (his sisters shared upstairs) so slept on the sofa whilst his dad watched TV and drank in the same room. I can't imagine how so many years of sketchy interrupted sleep affected that poor young lad at the time, but he is a very depressed adult nowadays who has a deep resentment towards his parents and yep - drinks too much himself!
His parents are still together and his dad (who did eventually find work), has carried on drinking during stressful periods and has just taken early retirement. He received his pension as a lump sum and is now bored shitless and drinking his way through the money. His mum will probably die destitute because of putting this selfish man's needs above her own, and despite, bless her, thinking she was doing the best she could for her kids at the time, she actually did them no favours at all. Now that they're grown up, it is clear that she is co-dependant and has enabled her H's selfishness and the drinking that comes with it. She'll never leave. The cost of trying to keep her relationship together with a man who refused to seek help has had hugely detrimental effects.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh OP, I don't want to hurt you as you seem like a caring soul who is trying to do her best, but unfortunately I think your DH probably does have a drinking problem and you also sound co-dependent. Your children will probably be able to recount stories like I just have if you let this carry in. They may not forgive either of you. I feel terrible for you because it's not fair what you're going through. But it is untenable and your kids are going to be in real trouble if you also have a breakdown at the same time as him.
If he looked up your posting history prior to all this, then he already has a very pronounced selfish streak with a lack of boundaries. That will be amplified by his drinking and depression and you and your kids will suffer greatly. What you need is a line in the sand - a date in your head where you mentally say to yourself; "right, enough is enough - this isn't getting any better so he's got to go and sort himself out in his own." You can even give him an unltimatum if necessary. I'm sure my exMIL thought it was only going to be 2-3 weeks of drinking strained behaviour from her H when he was out of work. It's now been 25 years. And her life is ruined because she never let him reach rock bottom and just tidyed up his messes.
Even if this time has a good outcome and he sorts himself out, you now know you're dealing with a man who will put himself first and not worry about the effect on the rest of you whenever he's stressed out. It's worth remembering that.
Look after yourself and your kids first OP. It's not selfish - you are no good to them if you chase him down the drain as well. You can still support him (even from afar as I do with my exDP as a friend), but it will not get better unless he wants to help himself. So please make an alternative plan to do this on your own if need be (just in case he doesn't fix up any time soon) and save your kids from feeling like me and my ex do about our parents and childhoods. It's that serious I'm afraid...
