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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is stressed and I'm exhausted

221 replies

saturdaygrey · 05/11/2016 08:35

I've name changed for this as its sensitive and DH has been known to hunt out posts I've made on here.

He's suspended from work: the likely outcome is dismissal and possibly not being able to work in this field again.

So, he's at home all the time.

He's depressed. Stays up until two/three in the morning, watching films and TV box sets loudly. Wants sex, a lot (apparently it's a comfort) but he comes crashing into bed at 3 am and I don't feel like it then. Drinking too much, doing stupid stuff like going outside for a smoke and then leaving the door open and then a child wakes up at 4 am cold and crying.

I'm working after a fashion (supply teaching) so you can imagine what mornings are like after these unsettled nights. I don't really like leaving the children with him and twice our school aged child has missed school because of DH not getting everybody out on time.

I'm so sympathetic but I feel like shaking him as well! What can I do!

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 05/11/2016 09:50

I totally understand that this is a shock to him, I am just concerned that the only options open to you, in your mind are loving him well again, hoping for the best and managing his behaviour to try to avoid further disaster.

LetsAllEatCakes · 05/11/2016 09:51

I think you need a mental line in the sand op. One where if things deteriorate further and he is unwilling to help himself then you say enough is enough, I need to protect myself and the dc from his destructiveness.

He may be depressed but you cannot help him if he won't himself and you must have that mental line to protect the rest of your family. You shouldnt sacrifice your life of your children's childhoods.

I'm not saying ltb just get your ducks in a row in terms of support but keep in mind that boundry line as protection. I've seen what happens when someone has grown up with a parent in a similar situation. It all went downhill and so toxic yet he stayed and tried and his kids bore the brunt. That's why you need the line.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2016 09:52

Did he get suspended from work because of his drinking?.

Whensmyturn · 05/11/2016 09:57

I see this as a 'in sickness and in health' situation. Posters saying draw up limits may not have experienced depression themselves and are assuming the husband is deliberately being selfish. He isn't, he maybe just isn't able to cope at the moment. Obviously OP you look after yourself and the children first though. Incredibly hard to cope with but as a mother and a wife you sound very strong.

Whocansay · 05/11/2016 09:58

I'd tell him to leave until he sorts himself out. Depression or not, he doesn't want to help himself at the moment and he shouldn't be around small children.

Myusernameismyusername · 05/11/2016 10:00

In sickness and in health doesn't mean a wife has to suffer alone supporting the whole family, knowing that her husband will not seek the help he needs to make things better

Thatwaslulu · 05/11/2016 10:01

I agree with Whensmyturn. Depression can make people act in completely irrational and unexpected ways, and part of loving someone is to support them through their crises as far as you can. A previous poster said that it's teaching the children bad things about relationships. However issuing ultimatums and losing patience surely teaches the children that it's fine to not support the person you committed to loving when they need it most? And that when the going gets tough, you get out?

Original poster
saturdaygrey · 05/11/2016 10:02

Where would he go, if I told him to leave?

To me, that's just giving someone the ultimate kick while they are already down.

He wasn't suspended because of his drinking. I mean, I've probably explained that badly. He isn't a raging alcoholic. But he can't sleep and he will at some point in the evening (generally between 9 and 11) start drinking. Then he will come to bed at about 3 and he's a bit pissed but not vomiting incoherent. Just rambling and mumbling.

I think what I'm showing my children is that you support your spouse.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 05/11/2016 10:04

He doesn't need to leave. He has to take steps to help himself. How are you proposing to help him yourself when nothing has worked so far

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2016 10:05

A person can never act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. OP has herself stated that she will never get him to the GP. She cannot make him get help if he does not want it.

Currently her H is simply dragging his wife and child down with him and they are on the receiving end of his behaviours.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/11/2016 10:06

You know, if he'd choose drinking over you and your children, he's got a drinking problem? It doesn't matter if he'd rather self medicate.

It would be a really bad idea to leave your children with someone addicted to alcohol. Or to make him main carer.

Original poster
saturdaygrey · 05/11/2016 10:07

I agree Anchor, although I would dispute he is addicted to alcohol (my own mum was an alcoholic.) I think I can see he could become one, but dispassionately, he isn't there yet.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 05/11/2016 10:08

Its not only the drinking and the lack of responsibility, is it? He doesn't respect your privacy, or the needs of you and the children.
He's blaming depression, but won't see a doctor, and doesn't seem to be accepting responsibility for whatever went wrong at work. Was it drink related?
What solutions is he coming up with?

Original poster
saturdaygrey · 05/11/2016 10:11

He isn't at the solutions stage, yet.

To be honest, every day I text him constantly through the day as I'm seriously worried he will take his life. He's promised he won't, but he is really in a seriously bad way.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2016 10:11

You feel very responsible for him don't you?. He will find somewhere to go and its not your responsibility.

How much further down will you and your child go now before you have yourself had enough of all this from him?

He wasn't suspended because of his drinking. I mean, I've probably explained that badly. He isn't a raging alcoholic. But he can't sleep and he will at some point in the evening (generally between 9 and 11) start drinking. Then he will come to bed at about 3 and he's a bit pissed but not vomiting incoherent. Just rambling and mumbling.

What is your definition of an alcoholic, raging or otherwise?. They do not all sit on park benches and even drink every day. He is self medicating his problems using alcohol and that in itself is a problem. He will not go to the GP either by himself or with you, that is inherent selfishness on his part because he expects and wants you to carry him. After all that is what you have done to date.

What you are showing your children instead sadly is how to be and become co-dependent in a relationship. You are putting his needs above everyone else's including your own.

stitchglitched · 05/11/2016 10:12

I suffer from depression and I disagree that the OP needs to support her husband unconditionally. His behaviour is damaging to the rest of the family and he is refusing to seek help. Drinking too much, risking his children's safety, waking the OP up for sex in the middle of the night when she needs to work the next morning are all, to my mind, abusive behaviours and the root cause being depression doesn't mitigate the impact on everyone else. Seeking help needs to be a condition of any continued support, OP needs to protect her own health and wellbeing at this point.

Original poster
saturdaygrey · 05/11/2016 10:17

I know alcoholics don't do that :) But I do think there is a difference between someone who drinks at night due to extreme stress and someone who is an alcoholic. I can see he might turn to alcoholism subsequently but I don't think he's there yet.

He can still be very good, supportive. He has taken the kids out today as he has acknowledged he's kept me up all week and I've been working.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 05/11/2016 10:18

You are not showing your children that you support your spouse.

You are showing your children that daddy doesn't have to be a grown up, responsible for own behavior, responsible for his children, or give two sh*ts about anyone other than himself.

You are showing them that they don't have to get help if the need it, but can just treat everyone around them like crap and have a complete and total disregard for other people's needs and feelings.

You are showing them that it's ok to enable crappy, indefensible behavior.

I could go on.

You have children. He has children. Only one of you is acting like you have children to worry about and take care of. And the one who can't be arsed is left in charge of them during the days?!?

I'd tell him to leave if he's not going to get help. Your poor children.

Myusernameismyusername · 05/11/2016 10:18

I'm sorry and I know it isn't what you need to hear but if you are that concerned about his mental state it is vital that you go and speak to someone urgently. You cannot shoulder this responsibility long term, this is no way to live worrying he will kill himself. You will become ill yourself. You must get help. I cannot watch on this thread people telling you to just carry on as you are. This is a potentially dangerous situation if he is at that point and he needs help from a professional

Underchipsandpeas · 05/11/2016 10:19

It's massively telling that your mother was an alcoholic. The children of alcoholics classically either become one themselves, or marry one. Their understanding of what is acceptable and normal drinking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2016 10:20

He isn't at the solutions stage, yet.

And he may never get to that stage either, you need to bear that in mind too.
You can only help your own self ultiamtely

"To be honest, every day I text him constantly through the day as I'm seriously worried he will take his life. He's promised he won't, but he is really in a seriously bad way".

Stop texting him, it is only feeding your own co-dependency issues. You also need to raise your own currently too low boundaries.

I would suggest you talk to Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

stitchglitched · 05/11/2016 10:22

If you genuinely belief he is at risk of suicide you cannot leave your children alone with him.

EweAreHere · 05/11/2016 10:22

And if you're texting him all day because you are seriously worried about him taking his own life. you have NO business leaving him alone with the children. Ever. Are YOU choosing to leave him with someone you seriously think might do that? Really?! That is incredibly irresponsible on your part.

AnthonyPandy · 05/11/2016 10:25

You said he won't go to the GP but what about some alternative, like a walk in centre away from home? Or the samaritans? Maybe the anonymity is what he needs?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2016 10:25

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

I am not surprised either to see that your own mother was an alcoholic herself. You learnt and have retained an awful lot of damaging lessons from that time and these are being relayed to your spouse and your children now.

Re this comment:-
But I do think there is a difference between someone who drinks at night due to extreme stress and someone who is an alcoholic.
Not really because his drinking has and continues to cause you real and present difficulties. Your own co-dependency issues as well as enabling him do not help him either. What you have tried has not worked.

Unfortunately no-one protected you with regards to your mother's alcoholism and you have been profoundly affected in ways that continue to this day. That same fate will befall your child if you do not act, your child could well go onto choose an alcoholic for a partner themselves or at the very least become super responsible and with a whole raft of emotional problems pertaining to parental alcoholism.