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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is stressed and I'm exhausted

221 replies

saturdaygrey · 05/11/2016 08:35

I've name changed for this as its sensitive and DH has been known to hunt out posts I've made on here.

He's suspended from work: the likely outcome is dismissal and possibly not being able to work in this field again.

So, he's at home all the time.

He's depressed. Stays up until two/three in the morning, watching films and TV box sets loudly. Wants sex, a lot (apparently it's a comfort) but he comes crashing into bed at 3 am and I don't feel like it then. Drinking too much, doing stupid stuff like going outside for a smoke and then leaving the door open and then a child wakes up at 4 am cold and crying.

I'm working after a fashion (supply teaching) so you can imagine what mornings are like after these unsettled nights. I don't really like leaving the children with him and twice our school aged child has missed school because of DH not getting everybody out on time.

I'm so sympathetic but I feel like shaking him as well! What can I do!

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 06/11/2016 15:27

No not at all, life's fucking brutal & you've got to fight. There's no time to wallow or mope.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2016 15:52

No you are not heartless.

He is using you as his 24/7 mental health services (or whinge absorber).

In that autumnal walk situation, he expected you to do his 50% of the parenting as well as your 50%, all while also being his therapist.

Bollocks to that.

If he wants a therapist, he needs to see a therapist. You are not qualified. It is not fair and will destroy your relationship.

He has to do his 50% of parenting. Non-negotiable. You shouldn't have to remind him and he must expect a cross word if you do have to remind him.

Original poster
saturdaygrey · 06/11/2016 16:05

Thanks.

I'm all stressed and irritated, I know I sound selfish but this is hard for me as well Sad

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2016 16:06

You do not sound selfish. Not one tiny bit. Why on earth do you think you sound selfish?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2016 16:09

I'm going to change your last sentence to make sense. I'm all stressed and irritated because this is hard for me

flippinada · 06/11/2016 16:10

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate saturday.

No, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest to be sick of him going on about it. From reading your posts here it sounds like you are knackering yourself being supportive . On top of that you are working and taking on full responsibility for day to day family life. Meanwhile he is using your goodwill and love and taking so much from you that you become drained. It's no wonder you're exhausted and fed up.

As chocoloatecake says, there comes a point with depression where you (I mean the person who has depression) has to do something. If he continues drinking to excess, won't go to the doctors, won't engage with support services and won't seek counselling then at some point you will need to say 'enough is enough'. Otherwise it gets to the point where you're enabling him. Bottom line is, you already have two children - you don't want another one.

For yourself, I would look outside the relationship for help and support because it sounds like you need it. Don't keep everything to yourself.

By the way, if he is drinking heavily until early morning and dropping the kids off at school he must absolutely reek of alcohol. Your kids will have noticed this and if they have, so will others. Just bear that in mind.

flippinada · 06/11/2016 16:11

You don't sound selfish at all! You sound at the end of your tether.

Original poster
saturdaygrey · 06/11/2016 16:19

I feel selfish moaning because it's worse for him, I suppose :) Thanks for your kind words. I'm dreading tomorrow. Hoping I get a call, but hoping I don't at the same time.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2016 19:27

It isn't a winner takes all competition! The person with the "best reason" to be miserable doesn't get to have all the moaning rights and all the sympathy, while everyone else has to be jolly at all times and provide all of the sympathy to the winner.

The situation is awful for both of you. You should be able to talk to each other about how awful you are each feeling. You are in it together.

You can say you love him and you want to help him get through it. You can say that you can see how hard it is for him. You can say that it is hard for you too. You can say that you were willing at first to carry him until he started to get back on his feet, to be his only support, to put his needs ahead of your own, to not challenge his self sabotaging behaviour like the late nights, drinking, constant focus on his own misery and failure to get outside help for his depression but now you are starting to crack under the weight of it all and you need him to take more responsibility for getting well back onto his own shoulders before you fall into deep depression also, you can already feel yourself sliding that way.

You can remind him that it is not a competition. He feels how he feels. You feel how you feel. If you are in it together, you have to work together and place value on everyone's feelings.

Shiningexample · 06/11/2016 21:14

I think you have a bit of a martyr thing going on OP

Waltermittythesequel · 06/11/2016 21:23

You said he was suspended because of his drinking, then you said it was nothing to do with his drinking.

You actually said that his having the children may be what's keeping him alive...read that back. Seriously.

What if one day that's not enough and he's alone with them while he does something stupid.

You're the child of an alcoholic and you've gravitated toward one.

I'm sorry but you won't be enough. The children won't be enough. He needs to stop drinking and you need to prioritise yiur children.

PsychedelicSheep · 06/11/2016 23:55

I'm sorry OP but if you seriously feel you have to text him all day to stop him harming himself then you are out of your depth here and you need professional support. It's not about leaving or not leaving but he is an adult and he needs to take some responsibility for himself. YOU CANNOT FOX HIM and the more you martyr yourself the more you're keeping him stuck.

PsychedelicSheep · 06/11/2016 23:56

Fix him obviously ffs!

pregnantat50 · 07/11/2016 00:22

i wouldnt say he is an alcoholic but he is using it as a crutch to help him cope and deal with this awful situation. I feel for you Op and agree with you trying to support him through it. At the moment he is in limbo, he doesnt know the outcome of the suspension, but if as you suspect he is dismissed then once it becomes fact, he should wake up and with your help seek professional help as well as advice on how to get back in to employment, from what you say in a totally new line of work. Its tough for you at the moment. I think you should suggest he sleeps on the sofa or spare room if he is going to come up so late and wake you. you are doing your bit, he needs to do his x

Original poster
saturdaygrey · 07/11/2016 07:29

I didn't say at any point he was suspended because of his drinking Confused

Some of you see it as being a martyr, I would genuinely like to know the practical things you would do. Because it isn't practical to throw someone out, apart from the fact he's possibly at risk of serious harm, there's also the fact that he has nowhere to go!

OP posts:
flippinada · 07/11/2016 07:51

saturday I understand you don't act to throw him out, but he needs to start taking more responsibility for himself.

I don't think anybody had melded this but what would happen if you weren't there, all of a sudden? Would he be able to look after the children, make sure they have clean clothes, get them to school, run the house, cope emotionally? Because at present it doesn't sound like he could manage any of that.

flippinada · 07/11/2016 07:52

*has mentioned, not melded. Sorry for typo.

Offred · 07/11/2016 08:06

Quite frankly what you are showing your children is that you don't give a shiny shit about them, that their dad is The.Most.Important.Thing. And nothing else matters apart from him.

You even said it yourself 'he's the important one here'... no, he isn't and neither are you. Your children are the important ones. You cannot possibly put them in the position of. Wing left in his neglectful care in order to stop him killing himself, that is beyond neglectful parenting and absolutely shocking - you really need to wake up.

He IS an alcoholic, he just isn't your mother. Someone is an alcoholic if they continue to drink despite drink causing problems in their life.

You are in complete denial about it.

Yes you can ask him to leave, your income is not reducing, he has lost his job so his income is gone. You cannot love him better, this is not depression or him not coping with stress. This is simply him.

You absolutely should tell him he needs to go and live with his parents until he is sorted out. You just cannot have him in the house with the children IMO.

Offred · 07/11/2016 08:07

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Offred · 07/11/2016 08:19

And have you considered that if you don't act to safeguard your dc someone else may step in and force your hand?

You are a teacher so you know about safeguarding. This home life will be noticed by school at some point and if they are proactive they will do something about it.

Iamthinking · 07/11/2016 08:20

You HAVE to feature in this somewhere. You don't sound selfish at all, not at all. You need to be more selfish, because your kids need you.

You sound exhausted and drained and I feel so, so, sorry for you because you are powerless to some extent, sucked into the vortex of his mood.

How about setting a time limit? X needs to have happened by Y time, and if not you are going to have to ask him to give the family some space to get some calm and rest. Not kick him out as in end the relationship maybe, but move out to enable the family to be calmer and you to be more rested.

The sex at 3am sounds absolutely appalling. It hasn't been mentioned much here, but I don't know how you are coping.

Stop being such a coper and nurture yourself x

Original poster
saturdaygrey · 07/11/2016 08:23

I know he would not harm the children.

The alternative is that I don't work, he doesn't work (after his suspension is over) And we live on - ?

He isn't an alcoholic and to be honest when people say that I just ignore the rest of their post because it shows they haven't read properly and don't understand.

Since losing his job, he has been drinking too much, roaming around late at night and being a pain in the arse. All annoying and stressful but not an alcoholic.

And seriously how many times have I said now he's nowhere to go?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 07/11/2016 08:31

Who are all these women marrying men for whom the GP 'isn't an option' when they're ill?

Sorry but wtf? We all have problems, I've had my share. Was suicidal with PND. The answer was... see a doctor. Even if I thought the doctor couldn't help, why would anyone refuse if it would do so much to lighten their partners fear and worry?

I can't get past that bit, I'm sorry. What kind of person does this, christ he has children to consider. His behaviour is appallingly selfish.

Offred · 07/11/2016 08:36

He has already harmed the children. Is continuing to harm them with his behaviour. If you are so seriously worried he is suicidal then you cannot possibly know that he wouldn't take them with him. If you are putting them in his care every day to stop him killing himself you are making them into the barrier to him killing himself. Very risky. Very risky indeed if he is seriously Suicidal and will not get help. Believe me, the thought WILL have ocurred to him if he is seriously suicidal.

Unless you come out of denial about his drinking and his depression your children are not going to thank you. In fact it will be normal for them to repeat what they have seen 'daddy is the victim' and make you fully responsible for the crap they have been exposed to.

He is an alcoholic. Problem drinkers are alcoholics, self medicators are alcoholics, anyone whose drinking causes problems like - not taking the dc to school, leaving the back door open, waking people in the house up, exacerbating depression etc. It is a fact that he is an alcoholic no matter how you dress it up.

If you told school the truth - 'DH didn't bring DC to school today because he is drinking every night till 3am and waking everyone up, that's also why DC is exhausted BTW' do you think they would think he is not an alcoholic?

Offred · 07/11/2016 08:39

The alternative is BTW that you use childcare to work and he sorts himself out.