DH is stressed and I'm exhausted

[saturdaygrey]

I've name changed for this as its sensitive and DH has been known to hunt out posts I've made on here.

He's suspended from work: the likely outcome is dismissal and possibly not being able to work in this field again.

So, he's at home all the time.

He's depressed. Stays up until two/three in the morning, watching films and TV box sets loudly. Wants sex, a lot (apparently it's a comfort) but he comes crashing into bed at 3 am and I don't feel like it then. Drinking too much, doing stupid stuff like going outside for a smoke and then leaving the door open and then a child wakes up at 4 am cold and crying.

I'm working after a fashion (supply teaching) so you can imagine what mornings are like after these unsettled nights. I don't really like leaving the children with him and twice our school aged child has missed school because of DH not getting everybody out on time.

I'm so sympathetic but I feel like shaking him as well! What can I do!

We aren't teenagers who can go running back to mummy. If only :)

Thank you gobblin for your helpful post. I will make those suggestions.

Some of you really seem to think I should just throw him out!

Gobbolino talks complete sense.

I've name changed for this, we have been in your exact situation, please ignore all of the drama-llamas looking for ultimatums and attempts to label your husband as an alcoholic.

Don't underestimate how much he will have been crushed by this, and while there will and are plenty of posters ready to stick the knife into his entitled male behaviour (I paraphrase) he really needs the support of those closest to him.

My wife was supportive throughout but only tolerated my behaviour up to a point, the main thing was that she assured me that she wasn't ashamed of me or the circumstances around my dismissal (in a nutshell - mental health / illness issues brought about by stress resulting in the company being able to dismiss me over another matter, eventually they backed off when threatened with a constructive dismissal suit) but that was it. Yes, I hit the bottle for a bit at a greater rate than I would have done - blamed everyone but myself but in the end I accepted it, moved on and in the ten years since have ended up in a situation that we could only have dreamed of back then but it took a while to turn the corner.

I felt horribly ashamed, weak, like I'd let everyone down - particularly those that I loved the most and that I should be providing for. Don't underestimate the level of importance and identity that many men put on being able to provide (I am not looking to have this deconstructed here - elsewhere is fine, I accept it's a patriarchal thing).

I haven't seen anything on the thread about his friends or family, maybe he feels too embarrassed to discuss it with them or let them know what's really happened - he might feel better if he can. It was quite astonishing how supportive a lot of mates and colleagues were - they also helped in making me realise that it wasn't actually the end of the world.

Most of all, please try to make him realise that he is needed by all of you (please don't flame this...) and that you need to get back to normal but can't do it without his help and that includes getting out of the self pity asap. My wife essentially told me that she understood, she loved me but it had to stop if we were all to move forwards as a family and get me back to where I needed to be.

I walked a neighbours dog for miles in winter and spring and that helped enormously in clearing my head and helping to get perspective so that I could start rebuilding a routine of retraining and running the house for a bit, I felt like I was a positive contribution to the family again and eventually we were back on our feet. He's not alone in this and neither are you but he does need to realise that this behaviour can't go on indefinitely. I really hope that it works out for you and I'm sure it will.

Yes he can go running back to his parents. Absolutely. And he should, if he won't accept help. Sounds like there is a lot of dented pride going down here.

It's ok for him to depend heavily on you but not on his parents.... You have kind of become his parent it seems to me. Pass the buck back to them.

When one parent is adversely affecting the children and won't take action to improve things then they should move out. Absolutely.

No, he can't. He has nowhere to go. I don't think he is adversely affecting the children, other this leaving the door open which is annoying and irresponsible but not really LTB territory.

Empathy, thank you - I am glad things are better for you now.

The difference here is that you wanted to make proper changes and sought help in order to make these. You were the main one driving these changes forward and it worked also because you did that of your own volition.

In this case the OPs DH does not want help and will not go and see a GP.

Reading between the lines I think the op might be trying to say that the parents aren't around anymore. "Loved" rather than "love", for example.

"No, he can't. He has nowhere to go. I don't think he is adversely affecting the children, other this leaving the door open which is annoying and irresponsible but not really LTB territory"

Again where he goes is not your problem.

Well you would like to think he is not affecting the children through his actions but you are and in turn they are as well. Sound travels and a tv playing loudly will echo through the house. Your child has also arrived more than once late to school due to their dad's lateness.

OP you've shot down every suggestion.

No GP, no counselling, no leaving the house for a time, no concern about the alcohol.....

God knows what you expect to change.

That's the thing, it's all minimised back down into being not really much of an issue at all. You OP asks what can you do to help? What can you do? But the help he needs he doesn't want and the help you need you don't want.
So nothing is going to change.
I don't think you need to make him leave you need to stop being afraid of his reactions to you telling the man you love you want to help him and work together as a team to pull your family back together.

Having RTFT and the advice offered (which covers a wide range of options), your responses are dismissive of them all!

You are so deep into this, that unless you get outside help, I'm not sure where you'll end up.

OK. I'll try another suggestion:

Wh don't YOU go and see your GP, and explain the situation? He/she will be able to advise you as to what help there is available.

I don't know what people want me to say?

Yes, I'll chuck my husband out either on the streets or a hotel when we are about to have out income dramatically reduced?

Yes, I have no responsibility or love or sense of duty to the man I married, the father of my children?

Some suggestions have been useful but I'm sorry if people feel their ideas have been chucked back but in turn I don't know what I'm expected to say.

You only see the bits you want to see?!!!

Here are the other, non leaving the bastard suggestions made:

GP
Samaritans
Al-anon
Confiding in friends
Honest chat with him about your concerns and try to formulate an action plan forward.
Telling him you are worried and want to help
Speaking to the union rep

OP I think go with Gobbolino's suggestions, I can see that's your only real hope. Professional counselling lines from his profession, and getting him to see that he has to behave in a disciplined and professional way even going through all this shit. He probably feels powerless but hopefully someone can get him to see what he needs to do to get through this.

But I haven't said I won't be doing any of those things; I've said I will!

You just seem to be focusing on trying to defend yourself against throwing him out rather than saying 'right, I will move forward proactively'
Then people are continuing to post because it doesn't look like you are taking the stuff on board.

I'm glad you will do those things, start now, it's not too late. Inaction is a bad path to take. When I am depressed it's a million times easier to have someone there fighting your corner and pushing you to want better, support isn't about just allowing things to happen and afraid of reactions it is also about finding solutions to problems, for that other person and for yourself
In my opinion anyway. That's what I want from a partnership a friend or family and that's what I would give back to them too

I'm surprised how many people would turn their backs on their partners when times get tough! Both my sister and I have had hard times with our husbands and come out the other side stronger and happy. We both know that our dh's will be there for us because we've done the same. OP, don't lose hope and keep posting so you get some support.

Thanks both

Can you find out if his employer or his union have a counselling service that is confidential and free? I work in the public sector and both workplace and union offer this. It might help him to come to terms with the situation.

It's actually huge that he's likely to be dismissed and not able to work in his field again.
Yes I'm sure he's stressed out if his mind but it doesn't really excuse his behaviour and at some point you'll need to tell him enough is enough.

You can stand by him and support him but that doesn't mean you have to put up with any behaviour he acts out and tip toe around him. You have also been affected massively by this situation so he's going to have to shape up now.

OP, you sound like a brilliantly supportive wife. I've been in a similar situation with my DH more than once. He tends to find it difficult to hold onto jobs due to longstanding MH problems which are triggered by stress. I know a lot of people wouldn't have stuck with him through the tough times, but I love him and the good times far outweigh the bad, besides what happened to for better or worse.

The most important thing when supporting someone else is to make sure you look after yourself first. Think about what is and isn't acceptable for you and set your boundries. If you issue ultimatums then you need to be prepared to follow them through.

Your DH is going through a very difficult time right now as you realise, its not surprising that he is feeling stressed and low. He is using alcohol as a coping mechanism, unfortunately it's not a useful one particularly as alcohol is a depressant and will ultimately make him feel worse. He probably feels like a failure right now ans feels that hd has let you and the family down. Regardless of what anyone may say in our culture gender roles are very much alive and kicking and by losing his job he may feel that he is loosing his role in the family as a provider and wonder where he fits in. My advice would be to ask him to do tasks to help and give plenty of positive reinforcement about how much this is helping, how much you and the kids are benefitting from his contribution. Look at more positive coping mechanisms with him to eg exercise. Do the kids participate in any sports that he could get involved in? This could combine the positive effects of exercise on his mood (it releases your bodies natural antidepressants) with feeling he has a valuble role in the kids lives.

Whenbyou are depressed its very hard to motivate yourself to do anything which doesnt help. Those PP who have said that they have had depression and managed to get kids to school on etc, good for you, but don't assume everyone can. There was a point when I had depression where having a shower and getting dressed was a major achievement, and leaving the house wasn't always possible.

Yes it would probably be beneficial for him to seek help from his GP/councellor etc. The dificulty is that there is still a huge stigma attatched to MH problems which can make addmitting to yourself that you need help very difficult, let alone admitting it to someone else. This is particularly true of many men who have been bought up with the sterotypical "big boys don't cry" "real men don't talk about emotions" attitudes and feel that asking for help is yet another sign of failure and that they should tough it out.

Keep letting him know that he is loved and valued by you and the children, at the same time as making sure you are looking after yourself too and letting him know where your personal boundries are. Its hard supporting someone with their mental health.

Thank you. I really do appreciate the support even if I can't act on it immediately :)

I can totally understand why you're sticking with him
Speaking from experience, being with someone with severe depression is really really tough. If I were you I can only say I'd give him an allotted period to wallow - a few weeks at most and then after that point the deal is he sees the gp.

I get that lots of people are very resistant to seeing their gp but at the end of the day we all have a responsibility to those who love us. He has a family. There is help out there for depression and lots of ways to make an impact on it. Gardening is fantastic as is cold water swimming as is engaging in something creative and making an effort to regularly do something for others, like volunteering. I do think unfortunately that the more you give into depression, the more it sucks you in. So that means doing your very best to go to bed early, get up and dressed early, get out for a walk each day or do some other exercise and absolutely no drinking. It can be very very tough but it's crucial. Whatever has happened to his job there are other jobs out there, volunteering roles....a whole world or opportunities which mean his future isn't hopeless

I think if you get to a point where your dp refuses still to see the gp, well then it's relationship over because that's just not fair on you. It's a completely different case if someone has reached out and for whatever reason treatment doesn't help.

I really hope things pick up for you.

Does it sound heartless if I say I'm sick of hearing about it now?

Just had a lovely autumnal walk with children, husband and dog. He just STOOD there going on and on and on about it as I was trying to get DD2 into her sling, stop DD1 whinging, get the dog on the lead, organise hats and gloves and poo bags and car keys.

The got huffy with me when I said 'look babe, d'you think you could give me a hand here?'