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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

344 replies

Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 05:08

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

OP posts:

allyjay · 22/10/2016 18:50

Last sentence that should have said. Argghhh!

Secretsandlies222 · 22/10/2016 18:51

So the fact that some of us are actually able to empathise with the DH as well as the OP (thus not taking 'sides' like kids in a playground) automatically makes us man pleasers? FFS!

Secretsandlies222 · 22/10/2016 18:52

X post

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 19:11

It is not nice of him.

30kg is nearly 5 stone and Im not sure I still would have been attracted to a partner were they put on that much weight.

Then again a 14 isnt big at all.

Its a tough one. The weight gain may settle. It may be the case that you lose some naturally after the big weight gain after the illness ended.

whattodowiththepoo · 22/10/2016 19:21

Dear god this is the absolute worst of mumsnet, DoinItFine is full of shit again.

green18 · 22/10/2016 20:15

It doesn't matter how much weight a partner puts on, it is hurtful and offensive to withdraw sex because of it. Add to this the fact that this is someone with an ED and the gain is temporary makes this man sound incredibly cruel and selfish.

c3pu · 22/10/2016 20:26

If he doesn't feel like having sex, it's unreasonable to expect him to do so just to please his partner.

From what the OP said about the situation I'd hardly call him cruel.

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 20:30

So green your effectively saying he should have sex he doesn't want, because it will upset OPs feelings? And it's not as easy for men to have sex they don't want as women can use lube etc to help things along a little so to speak, a man has to have an erection and you can't really fake an erection, not that women should have sex they don't want either!

and this could be why the DH had been withdrawing from sex as he didn't want them to be in that awkward situation of him not getting an erection and having to explain or make excuses, or the OP feeling rejected like that naked on the bed etc and feeling bad about herself like that.

And I'm glad for OP but because she is getting better regarding her ED doesn't mean that her DH has to find being overweight attractive,if he wouldn't find overweight women attractive normally. He's not being malicious he's been very supportive and is continuing to be so, but there are some things you can't fake or get on with like it has no effect in you, and for her DH this is one as he feels he couldn't fake an erection possibly if the situation arose that he had to.

And he's not saying he never will but he's noticed the change suddenly by the sound of it so he needs to adjust, as I'm sure most would if they suddenly perceived that their partner had gone from skinny to overweight.

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 20:39

You're*

DoinItFine · 22/10/2016 20:43

If he doesn't feel like sex, it's entirely reasonable to expect him not to tell his wife with an eating disorder that her new fat body won't make his dick hard.

There are a million kind ways to explain a lack of libido.

But he told her they would be having a sexless marriage from now on because she was so unsexy to him now.

That would be a shockingly cruel thing to say to any woman. To one recovering from an eating disorder it beggars belief.

What does it even mean to say you live someone you would be so cruel to?

If he only fancies her when she's sick, then he can't be her husband.

DoinItFine · 22/10/2016 20:45

And it's not as easy for men to have sex they don't want as women can

Jesus Fucking Christ

Yeah, poor men.

So hard for them to be forced into sex.

Women are so lucky we can be penetrated against our will.

Secretsandlies222 · 22/10/2016 20:55

Doinit, either you're being deliberately obtuse, or you really do not have the intellectual capacity to contribute constructively to a discussion that requires anything more than binary judgements.

c3pu · 22/10/2016 21:17

*"If he doesn't feel like sex, it's entirely reasonable to expect him not to tell his wife with an eating disorder that her new fat body won't make his dick hard.

There are a million kind ways to explain a lack of libido."*

The op asked him a direct question and he gave her an honest answer. In my mind it's far better than making up lies which will no doubt be uncovered later on.

"But he told her they would be having a sexless marriage from now on because she was so unsexy to him now."

Not sure he did say that unless there's a post I missed?

"If he only fancies her when she's sick, then he can't be her husband."

Agreed it doesn't look great going forward, but that doesn't make the bloke evil.

*"Yeah, poor men.

So hard for them to be forced into sex.

Women are so lucky we can be penetrated against our will."*

Just because it happens to men less frequently than it happens to women, doesn't mean that sexual coercion should be minimised. It's his body and if he doesn't feel like having sex it is totally out of order to expect it to happen.

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 21:21

Doinitfine except I didnt finish the sentence there did I? I merely stated that by Greens suggestion he should have sex, and that she would say that to a woman that if they decided to have sex that they did not want ( I also said that nobody should have sex they don't want) a woman has things easily available that could help if they were "dry as a fucking bone" you or a pp said, men can't.

Cucumber5 · 22/10/2016 21:21

You've gone from a low BMI to a very high BMI in a very short time. You've asked his honest opinion. Yes he could have been more tactful. He has his own issues which complicates his emotions. You both have a 1 year old. Maybe let some time pass, talk to your counsellors and then look again at the whole situation with fresh eyes.

OnionKnight · 22/10/2016 21:23

Jesus christ some of the responses are absolutely insane.

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 21:26

Also OP said he didn't know she was sick, and not everyone size 8 looks sick,

he also didn't say they would have a sexless marriage but at the moment he needed time to adjust.

There may be a million ways to explain but only after so long can you get away with it without the other person wondering If it's them, OP had wondered and asked, he could have lied but for how long before OP who already had suspicions have realised.

And I bet he didn't say " your new fat body doesn't make my dick hard" he was probably more tactful, but like anything you can make it worse by reiterating it with harsher words

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 21:28

Size 14 is a normal weight... I can see that you might feel unattractive but you are not overweight

You can't possibly say that.

I'm a size 12/14 and I am, most definitely, overweight. My BMI is slap bang in the middle of the 'overweight' range.

There are some ridiculously unsupportive posts on this thread, it's quite appalling. There are some women who are so unable to view things objectively where men are concerned, and so insecure about their own body issues, that they have effectively hounded the OP off her thread with their lies of he preferred you when you were ill and my husband fancies me whatever size I am.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

DoinItFine · 22/10/2016 21:30

There is a difference between an honest answer and a cruel answer.

Honest: "your shape has changed a lot recently and it's affecting the way I think about you. You're still beautiful to me but I don't want sex with you at the moment."

Cruel: "I can't get a hard on because you are too fat now you arecwell and no longer have an eating disorder. But don't worry, even though you are gross and fat I still love you so we can have a sexless marriage."

BadEngleesh · 22/10/2016 21:32

Here are some threads about about women who dont fancy their DPs/DHs because of weight. I've not read them right through but thought some posters might be interested in the advice given when it's the woman who is the one not fancying the man.

THREAD 1

Thread 2

Thread 3

(Sorry about typos)

DoinItFine · 22/10/2016 21:32

He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex.

There it is, right there in the OP.

We can stay married. But no sex. Ever. Because you are so fat I can't get it up with you.

DoinItFine · 22/10/2016 21:33

Are they 3 threads about men with eating disorders being told they sre too fat to fuck?

Because that's what thus thread is about.

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 21:34

DoinitFine where did OP say he said:

And your honest answer is still the same yes it may sound better but it's the same result and same issue and OP probably wouldn't believe she is beautiful if they didn't have sex for a long time

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 21:35

That's a massive extrapolation though, Doin. Your first 'honest' version is a lot closer to what the OP said her husband said than the second.

Honestly, this thread has been a big game of Chinese Whispers! With an awful lot of people claiming to have a direct link to this man's brain.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 21:36

The OP's husband did not describe her as "too fat to fuck".

But plenty of women on this thread have reframed what he said as this.

To be supportive, of course...

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