Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

[Edwarrior]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

Captain, as Bad says, that information was posted within an hour of the initial post, 9th post in, on Page 1 and, if you were logged in, highlighted as a post by OP. I think to refer to "drip feeding" in this instance is unfair.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thing. A mortal sin on MN I know. Life gets in the way.

30kg is a lot of weight to gain in such a short time. Are you sure you have not actually swapped one kind of disordered eating pattern for another? That is very common and I've been there myself (anorexic / bulimic and underweight to compulsive eater and very overweight). It's not what you asked about but i couldn't help but mention it. Being overweight is as unhealthy as being underweight. If you were able to find a middle ground and get your eating under control it would de facto fix your issue with your husband.

I see I am not the first to mention this. And the other posters got flamed for it. But having been there myself it really isn't uncommon to go from one extreme to the other with EDs. However OP I think I read that you are still under treatment so I assume your clinician is monitoring the situation in any case.

I don't want to be 'that person' but there has been some absolutely disgracefull responses to your problem on here. For the love of dog please don't make a rash decision and ruin your relationship based on some strangers hatred of a person they have never met!!!!

It sounds to me like you are both going through some stuff, and it also sounds like your both making an effort to support each other in this difficult time. It's great that you are recovering, please focus on that, and be honest with your OH!!!

If you feel you need something specific from him let him know, it's good you are being honest with each other, granted he could've been a bit more tactfull in his response, whats the alternative? To try to have sex and be unsuccesfull at it, leaving you both feeling guilty and confused?!?!

You might find this is just a shock period, in which the weight gain just scares him a little, if your right that he cares for you, and he's honest in that he will always love you then he may just need an adjustment period to get his head around things. That might sound selfish but bare in mind he can't just decide he's turned on by you if his body isn't doing what it should!

ALL long term relationships go through sex issues, especially when mentally you are both going through things, he loves and cares for you, but he's also worried about you and could be subconsciously allowing you time to recover before 'bothering' you with urges.

I may know nothing, I may be 100% wrong, but please don't just rush to blame him like some posers would have you do, open up a line of communication, explain your worries and fears, then listen to his and go from there.

I don't want to be 'that person' but there has been some absolutely disgracefull responses to your problem on here. For the love of dog please don't make a rash decision and ruin your relationship based on some strangers hatred of a person they have never met!!!!
With respect I don't think anyone sane would make a life decision based on a mumsnet thread.

For the love of dog

Sorry.

I haven't read the full thread just in case someone else has already brought it up, but when did your DH start his bi-polar meds? Lack of a sex drive is hugely associated with these types of meds....Maybe he's confusing the reasons for his lack of desire?

My husband had an appointment with his psychologist today. She thinks he has a mild case of aspergers. This explains a couple of things!! His lack of tact, and his ability to compartmentalise love and sexual attraction as 2 different things. She also thinks that his sexual problems may well be caused by his bipolar meds, as he upped the dosage at around about the same time.as we stopped having sex. So we'll work through it,.I'm feeling optimistic about it now

Needsomeperspective - you're obviously suggesting I have binge eating disorder now. This is not the case. Research shows that it is.impossible for those on the restrictive eating disorder spectrum to develop binge eating disorder. They are genes that cannot coexist (I didnt explain that well but.hopefully you get what I mean). Sure, extreme hunger is present usually.in the first few months. But this is simply because the body NEEDS calories desperately to make up for the deficit from restriction. This happened to me for the first couple of months, I had an ED for 10 years (anorexia and bulimia too) so I was VERY hungry. For the past 3 months I've naturally dropped down to eating normal.amounts that a non-ed person would eat. I literally have no desire to eat any more or less than this amount. Yet I still gain weight. Because my body hasn't finished repairing because the metabolism is still lowered. Most of the time it is NECESSARY to overshoot your setpoint weight before tapering back down. Please research the minnesota starvation experiment for more info on this. The participants who were starved for just 6 months experienced extreme hunger (some eating as much as 10,000 calories a day), and ALL of them overshot their setpoint weight. By as much as 40% of their prestarvation weight in some cases. They all tapered back down naturally over the course of about a year. Yes, i have gained nearly 30kg, but I'm actually only 15kg above my pre-ED weight (at 19 yo). I have no doubts in this process and I plan on seeing it through til the end. I will not restrict in order to 'find a middle ground' - that is a recipe for relapse. Please see www.youreatopia.com for more info if you're interested. If you experienced 'compulsive eating' after a period of restriction, gained too much weight for you to be comfortable with, and then decided to intervene, then theres a chance you're probably still restricting. Just food for thought. Pardon the pun

Pleased your both doing well ed

Wow OP quite a lot to take in. I have worked with several children with aspergers and that does fit exactly. It's black and white to him. Good luck for the future

I'm glad you seem to be working together and finding solutions. And that you are happy with your recovery and comfortable that the process you are going through is healthy. But I can't agree that those who have suffered from a restrictive eating disorder CANNOT subsequently suffer from a compulsive / overeating problem. I've known personally a number of people who nearly died from self inflicted malnutrition who have several years later weighed over 300 pounds due to uncontrolled bingeing. Hence my question. But as you say your recovery is supervised and you feel in a good place with it so that's a big comfort. The insight into your other halfs own issues is certainly going to be helpful in the two of you working through this. Wishing you the best of luck.

Needsomeperspective - Without restriction there is no desire to binge, so the people you know who have reached that weight must be still restricting in some way if they still feel the need to binge. It's a physiological response to the threat of starvation. Perhaps they restrict calories at the beginning of the day, only to find themselves ravenous at the end of the day, leading to a binge.

www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/10/31/bingeing-is-not-bingeing.html

I don't binge, because I no longer restrict. That has lead to my current position where I now eat a normal amount, the same as what a normal eater would eat. The above article explains the process really well, I'm sure you'll find it interesting if you've suffered from ED

That is a very interesting article actually, thank you!

Sadly it's a fact for me that due to what I have done to my body over years of starving and bingeing I have irretrievably fucked up my metabolism and so if I eat what a "normal" person can I will eventually become obese. And have been so.

To maintain a healthy weight I need to eat a sensible diet but less than someone who has never had an ED.

Hopefully you have addressed it in time before having ruined your body's ability to balance itself (you sound a lot younger than me) and you will "taper back" naturally and find an equilibrium without having to actively control your caloric intake (in a healthy rather than obsessive fashion). That didn't happen with me. I've been a healthy weight (BMI 23) for a long time now but it doesn't just happen, I have to eat very consciously to stay there.

Thanks for the link, always interested to read about different view points.

No one's metabolism is irretrievably fucked up. You just need to heal it, and if you've had an ED for a long time (which it sounds like you have) then it can take a LONG time to heal (up to 5/6 years), and it will be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's worth it. You're effectively in a state of quasi recovery now. I was there for 2 years before I decided to recovery properly 5 months ago. It was almost as bad as a full blown eating disorder, because it still comes with the preoccupation with food and restriction and being forever HUNGRY! I would be so anxious if I couldnt get out for a run for even one day. You do this under the guise of 'health', but nothing about that is healthy, or normal. Normal is not 'controlling calories' whatsoever or thinking about food unless you're hungry. Period.
Please read some more of the blog posts on that website from the article I linked to above. Even people who have had an ED for 60 years have recovered fully.

Edwarrior you have my utter respect.

Sorry to be blunt but "normal" also isn't eating the kind of amount you'd need to do to gain five stone in five months. Whatever that website tells you.

I was just trying to help, because you're obviously still stuck in the realm of ED. But you're obviously not ready for it. Sorry about that. All the best.

TheEmmaDilemma - thank you