Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

[Edwarrior]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

Well for those who can't be bothered to RTFT, they have a one year old child. So they've already been through a pregnancy together.

How did he deal with your weight gain during pregnancy? I am also wondering if his meds are the root cause of this.

It's also not guaranteed that someone will gain weight quickly in pregnancy either. I've been pregnant twice. And only gained the weight of the baby + fluid. By my 6 week post natal check up I was my pre pregnancy weight.

So there's no need for the gleeful nastiness.

And his love for her doesn't depend on her looking like she did when they met, she has put on 4.5 stone over 5 months. That's approximately a stone a month. There was no issue until around 6 weeks ago when she had probably put on about 3 stone of that. So this isn't a man who is complaining that his wife has put on a few pounds, this is a man whose partner has increased her body weight by around 50% in about 5 months.

I think that probably brings you up to speed.

"I feel very sorry for you. My weight is up and down by 6.5 stone thanks to my binge eating disorder.

Luckily my DH sees sex as expressing his love for me and me him, rather than fucking a body, so his attraction for me hasn't wavered.

Such a shame you DH isn't the same."

What an unnecessarily nasty and smug comment that diminishes the OP's relationship.

Agree with the "gleeful nastiness" comment.

This thread is vile.

Gleeful nastiness = telling your wife, not that your sexual feelings towards her have become confused due to the rapid changes in her body size, but that she grosses you out so much that you couldn't get an erection with her as she is now.

There is honesty that is loving and kind, and there is "honesty" that is cruel and intended to wound.

Telling your wife that you couldn't get a hard on for her is just really fucking nasty and no amount of talking around the issue can obscure that.

This thread went from hes an arse! You have an eating disorder!

To hes an arse you have an eating disorder... but! Whilst I chastise him I'll reaaaaally nail down how much your self worth Is dependent to your looks, even though the DH didn't want to say anything until you asked I'll still make out that's his stance so you question everything

So if the roles were reversed and it was the man that had the disorder and the woman that wasn't attracted as they were before she would be told she's an arse etc should effectively force herself to have sex?

He didn't blame her or shame her at all, she asked for honesty and he gave it. He's also still being affectionate, he's not being cold and malicious.

This is an unfortunate situation and the OP should get symptahy, however, this kind of thread will always result in the same tired replies which are not in the least bit objective.

I certainly wouldn't expect a woman to tell her husband that the recent weight gain that saved his life made it impossible for them to have sex because his new shape left her bone dry and completely unable to get aroused.

The thing is a man can't exactly have sex if he's not aroused can he? I mean if he's shower well good luck with the flop, if he's a grower well you may get a floppy 2-3 inches or whatever, I'm sure OP may realise

OP - could it be that the medication he's taking is actually affecting his ability to "get it up" in general? Rather than admitting this, it's easier to put all the focus on your weight gain? He may have anxiety over his own loss of libido which has little to do with you.

Neither can a woman.

But a conversation about reduced sexual attraction really does not need to explicitly point out that your partner is so unattractive to you that basic physiology has stopped functioning.

Sorry to be blunt, OP, but it sounds like he preferred you when you had an eating disorder.

Except prostitutes etc do all the time, and I've seen posters before say they use more lube as they get older as they become more dry.

And he didn't say he has a problem getting an erection, he said he's afraid he may not, or that he will lose it, and if he doesn't find her attractive at the moment that could happen as he's probably not a horny 15 year old. Theres no way he could hide it for any extended period of time if they had a very active sex life.

You could say once your in a relationship/ married its more than appearance but everytime there's a celebrity or secret crush thing, when Tom hardy, Hiddlestone or Cumberbatch are mentioned, even Greg Davis who isn't the slimmest of guys I've seen posters say they'd climb him like a tree, it's hardly their personality that attracts you to them. And add 50% to their weight in 4-5 months ( not of muscle) and I bet that the number of people who want to "ride em like a gooden" or whatever Would decrease.

Generally weight gain is a slow progression and people don't notice a gradual change until a certain point. OPs has been faster so it's more impacting.

OPs DH has been great to that point he didn't even want to say it but he know he couldn't get away with lying and had the respect to not treat her like an idiot and try

Sorry my previous comment came across so badly to some

I was very badly trying to express that to us, love isn't dependent on size or physicality. It isn't for many people.

I have other experience to draw on as I also work with people with a certain life limiting disease which has detrimental physical effects, the partners of those could see these physical effects as a turn off too if they weren't in love with the person and focussed on that aspect rather than overly focussed on the body.

As I said before, yes it can be worked through if he wants to. Things can take adjustment but only if he sees his attitude as a problem and wants to address it.

I hope that comes about better, if not I can only hope people can give me the benefit of the doubt as this is something that touches my life in more ways than one, I'm just finding it hard to word in the right way.

Size 14 is a normal weight. Your OH has a performance anxiety problem which may be related to his MH disorder. Do not make a big deal of this; just go with the flow for a bit; enjoy his loving gestures and let time mend things.

I can see that you might feel unattractive but you are not overweight - you have just changed and he is not used to being with someone of normal weight.

I disagree LittleBit if you love your husband you will be physically attracted to them. Sexual attraction is far more than physical looks.

Good posts DoinIt - I completely agree with you.

So, if a woman came on here saying her partner had gained 30 KG's and she no longer felt she could have sex with him would people be saying that she should just lie back and let him have sex with her? Really? Regardless of the reasons people would be agreeing that it would be difficult to remain attracted to someone who had gained that much so quickly.

The double standards on this thread are astounding.

The OP. Is in a loving relationship. She has asked her partner what the issue is and he has been honest with her. And yet they do still have an affectionate relationship. What would people have him say to her? What would people have a woman in this scenario say to him?

Ironically I am currently in a similar situation except I am the one avoiding contact, and not just sex, all physical contact.

I have recently been seriously ill, including two weeks in hospital and three days on life support. Now that I am home I can't bear anyone near me, I have been poked, injected, had blood taken, had to go through dialysis and intubation, and while I am definitely getting back to health I can't bear the thought of anyone near me. Obviously sex is a non-starter anyway at this stage, but anything else I avoid. The difference here is that I explained it to DP before he got to the point of rejection, "it's not you it's me." . and he is of course understanding. But I imagine that if things don't improve over coming months he may well feel rejected, even if he wouldn't ever say so. And yet no-one on MN would ever tell me I should be physical with him in order to maintain the relationship.

The reality here is that relationships are long-term things. I bet if you looked at most long marriages there would be significant times when sex or even physical contact might not be on the cards. The key here is to look at the bigger picture, not let the fragments destroy everything.

Firstly well done op you sound brilliant and strong. Keep going in your recovery. I really hopethat this is just a temporary blip in your marriage and that you and your DH can come through this.

But oh my god can we stop with the double standards bollocks? Not one person has suggested the DH should just suck it up and have sex with op anyway. These 'poor men double standards' derailings become mighty boring.

In fact, we should flip this situation. A man who is in recovery from a serious illness which has resulted in him physically changing (could be weight loss, weight gain, hair loss etc) posts on here that his dw has told him she no longer wants to have sex with him because she doesn't find him physically attractive would be met with with cries of cruel bitch, how unkind, so shallow, ltb etc, etc. NOT poor woman it sounds like she's trying her best and she does seem to still love you. So, lets not pretend otherwise. It makes you all sound like men pleasing morons.

Actually wannabee I would yes if she still loved him and wanted to be his wife because sex is part of a loving marriage and not just about lust.

allyjay surely it depends how it was worded, from OPs post it sounds like he's still being affectionate and as supportive as he could be, he's just not sexually attractive, if an OP described the same she wouldn't be good she was a cruel bitch.

Hope that's not too moron like for you

But oh my god can we stop with the double standards bollocks?

I think you can only suggest double standards if you see individuals are giving conflicting advice based gender from different threads.

To judge double standards based on what others have posted in other threads, and suggesting everyone on here holds the same views isn't fair.

I'm sorry I should not have written that sentence, it was highly offensive. My apologies to everyone on the thread.