Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

[Edwarrior]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

I don't agree with toots at all you both need to readjust your getting better and he's not well either. You asked for the truth and he told you - rather be hurt with the truth than a lie - you are probably 'different ' because your better and perhaps stronger and maybe he can't 'read' you. As long as your both loving love each other and are kind to each other your sex life will come back because your you regardless of your weight. I think he sounds like a good man told you the truth because you asked and doesn't want to hurt you or let you down. Hold on you will get there.

My BMI is very very close to being in the 'obese' range, though I think BMI is a load of shit.

He says that he wants to be able to have sex with me, because he loves me and is attracted to me emotionally etc, but that he just isn't sexually aroused by my body so he can't.

Yes, he takes medication for his bipolar and sees a psychologist at the moment.

His attitude is incredibly dangerous for you, your recovery and your self esteem. I'm not sure there's a future for you with him having an attitude like this. He is telling you to lose weight, which is detrimental to your mental and physical health. Your dh has negative feelings about your body, when you are trying to love your body again. I couldn't be with such an unsupportive partner who didn't absolutely relish my body. Keep going with getting better. Keep strong.

Congratulations on your recovery. Sounds like you're doing great.

I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh on your dh. You did ask directly. Should he have lied, given you are recovering from an eating disorder? Probably, but you say that he really couldn't have without it being obvious. I don't think that makes him a bastard. My dh has recently put on a lot of weight and I have to admit it has made me much less attracted to him physically, not helped by him being ill recently. I haven't told him, but nor has he asked. But I know he knows. Your recovery and his mental health make your situation much more complex but I don't think him admitting he's less attracted to you when you directly asked makes this a ltb situation. 30kg is a big change in a person's body. He needs time to adapt and at least he's not lying about it.

Yes even if he were ill. I would still love him etc but I'd just not find him sexually attractive. I can separate the two in my mind. Have you always found your partner sexually attractive? I haven't. But it comes and goes.
When DH is ill, he might be sick etc - no sexual attraction there. When he's better, it comes back. Sexual attraction, to me, is about looking at them and feeling aroused. That's a separate set of feelings to loving and respecting them (for me anyway).

Tralaa absolutely! I would much rather be hurt by the truth than a lie. Honesty is very important to me. Thank you for your kind words.

Bagina, no, he is definitely not telling me to lose weight at all. He encourages me 100% in my recovery and if that means more weight gain then he is for it. He wants to see me healthy and happy.

He hasn't yet had a chance to speak with his psychologist about this yet. But he says he wants to work on this and try to 'change the way he thinks and learn to be attracted to me physically'. I hate that it has to be so hard for him to have sex with me. But i guess at least he wants to try

He is telling you that unless you lose weight you will not have a sex life because you are too unattractive.

Your marriage is over.

You have an eating disorder and it turns out that your husband finds you sexually attractive when you are sick but not when you are healthy.

Yes he should have lied. Absolutely. But you obviously don't agree. We're all different. Truth doesn't trump kindness, compassion and love.

Bloody hell, women's bodies change. I'm still carrying "baby weight" but dh has never been able to keep his hands off me cos he fancies ME. And if ever I was feeling low about my body and lack of sex he should tell me that my body is beautiful. Nothing else is acceptable, even if he secretly thinking I'm a podge. Cos where does the alternative lead?? Somewhere very grim. Ten times so with an eating disorder. I'd be getting angry and I don't think I'd want his nasty little cock in me again. But that's me.

I was appalled by a reverse situation on here, a few months back, when the man had put on weight, the OP wasn't Interested anymore & was being told to tell him & get out the relationship.

On a superficial level he can't help what arouses him, some people don't like short people or brunettes & seeing you go from X to Y & him not being aroused by that, on a lust level is going to be how it is. Most mens first thoughts when they see someone they like, when their single, is not to buy a Volvo with them & have children but, to have sex.

However, it sounds like you've been together some time & I think he's being an epic twat. It should be for better of for worse & he should be cutting you some slack & at least showing you some forms of intimacy, even if he can't perform for sex.
You deserve more support from your so called partner. Good luck with everything

Zero, yes he does say that the speed at which the weight has come on probably plays into it as it's a bit of a shock.

Believe, my husband seems to sepatate the two things, love and sexual attraction, too. He seems to see them as separate things. Which confuses me, but I guess we are all different.

Is your dh Brad Pitt?
If not then i doubt he is an Adonis.
How would he feel if you told him unless he had a perfect body you can't have sex with him.

I think he is behaving appallingly.

Who tells someone that had an eating disorder in the past that at a size 14 they are too big to find them attractive. Well done on your recovery, you should be very proud. X

Does he really want you to recover?

MAYBE subconsciously whatever dynamic you had before was more magnetic to him. Him beseeching you to eat, being the sensible one, you needing his support etc.... Now you're strong and making the right choice without him telling you to. Turn off.

I don't know. But size 14 is not so enormous that a man who likes you would go off sex. I don't think so.

Love without sexual attraction is not the foundation of a marriage.

It doesn't matter if he wants to be in a sexless marriage because you don't.

Do you want children? How would you conceive them with a man who finds your body repulsive?

How would you deal with pregnancy and body shape changes?

This man fancied you skinny and sick.

He doesn't fancy yiu plump and healthy.

It doesn't matter if he can't help it.

You need a life partner that will still love your body as it chsnges and ages.

Right now you don't have one.

Concentrate on your recovery - negativity like his cannot be helpful for your recovery at all.
Big, small - fat, thin - tall,small = your SO is supposed to love you through everything - it is not on how you look!
Looks fade, personality doesn't.
you are doing amazing - dont let this drag you down.
IF he has problems with getting aroused tell him to see his doc

I strongly believe the problem is not your weight gain (which is easy to tackle, diet and gym etc etc), but your DH's attitude which is not easy to tackle. When you got married it was for better and for worse, in health and sickness. He's supposed to be with you, to support you and love you no matter what. He's rude and unsupportive.

OP do you feel he has treated you with any malice? Or ever suggested that you should be altering your recovery to suit him?

If not, I really don't think he is as bad as others are saying. No one should be having sex that they don't want. So short of doing that you were always going to work out that something had changed and eventually he would have had to tell you the truth. Although upsetting it doesn't sound like you have any intention of letting but impact your recovery.

You mention a totally sexless marriage but you don't know that your sex life might pick up one he sees the full benefits reecovery has on your mental state. The sudden change will become normal. It as you said you might lose weight again, although obviously this should be forced.

In the long run it might be that you aren't right for each other but 6 weeks of a changed interest isn't a lifetime and is too soon to decide.

I can't work out why other pps are getting quite so outraged. It is very difficult. I've struggled with an eating disorder in the past and I've also be through stages of sexless relationships.
I don't see what other option he has but to tell you.

Sex is dependent on more than love, as love is not the same thing as physical attraction, it just aids and abets the physical desire. You need physical attraction, a high sex drive, or a good imagination to have sex. If your dh is on medication for his bipolar disorder, that may well affect his sex drive. If he's on a bit of a low at the moment, that will affect his sex drive. If he is finding it difficult to keep up with the rapid changes in your physique, this will affect his sex drive. Do you love and trust your dh enough to give him a chance to get used to your new body, or are you just scared of losing an inadequate emotional crutch if you separate?

Hello Edwarrior

First of all many congratulations on tackling your eating disorder, especially in the company of a partner who is not being understanding nor supportive of the changes your body is going through.

Do you have professional treatment for your eating disorder? It might help if you and your DH considered meeting together with one of your treatment team, or with a separate professional, with a specific goal of talking about his attitudes and how they are getting tangled up in your recovery. For example, if your DH says he will have sex with you when your weight settles down, what it if settles down and he still is unhappy? Bodies change over time, eating disorder or no eating disorder. It might help if you and your DH were able to form a united front against your ED. At the moment his attitudes do not sound helpful nor supportive. ED can be deadly at worst and miserable at best, and you deserve all the support you can get your hands on in getting through this.

I just asked dh about this and he said, " you'd just make something up, tiredness or whatever." But, no, your dh wants you to know it's cos you're now too chubby for his penis: there is something wrong with your body, it's not good enough for him.

"you'd just make something up, tiredness or whatever."

See that's where we're all different because I would see the lying about it as more of a deal breaker than the truth. I'd rather be told the truth than lied to because someone didn't respect me enough to give me an honest answer to a question I'd asked because I wanted to know the answer.

Your husband is a w*nker
What a horrible man

In that case the truth would lead to the end of the relationship as I couldn't have sex with someone again who deemed my body unattractive, even more so if I was recovering from an illness.

So, thank you for the truth, but this has revealed you to be a massive cunt for not looking after my welfare, I'm off.

I think the dh is getting a bit of a rough ride here. If you are not sexually attracted to something then your not. You can't pretend to be. If my dh put on over 4 stone, I would not be attracted to that. I would not look at an overweight body and find it attractive, I just wouldn't. I'm not really sure what the answer is but if he isn't attracted to his wife he cant force himself to have sex with her. Hope your recovery continues well.

I don't think bipolar has anything to do with this. I mean, unless he's in the middle of an episode, when he might get funny ideas. But normally being tactless or judgmental isn't a symptom of bipolar, surely? Certainly, my DH wouldn't be that impressed if I said I didn't fancy him any more because he's in a wheelchair (he is) and then claimed my bipolar made me say that.