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How do I tell dh I don't fancy him anymore?(136 Posts)
Well here goes...dh and I have been together for 12 years now and obviously both changed a lot over this time. We've been married 8 years and have 2 dc.
My problem at the moment is I no longer find my dh physically attractive. I'm not expecting him to be the buff 20 something he was when we met but his weight has been creeping up over the years to the point where he just doesn't do it for me anymore.
I really don't want to sound like a cow but I've tried to stay in shape (for him as well as me) I'm slim, I exercise (despite working too) and I'm pretty well toned. I feel really mean, but I sit and watch him eating crisps and choc etc and it just makes me sit there and get angry inside.
I have tried a few times to broach the subject and used his parents health as a point. (Mum very overweight and dad has heart issues!) I know he's not happy with it too and does try every now and then. And does loose a bit, then just puts it on again. He can generally loose weight fairly easily which is annoying. He just says he doesn't drink, smoke so choc etc are his thing.
He's a good guy, works hard and i know has a stressful job. hes also gets quite sensitive, so I can't just say it how it's is, even in a nice way. he takes any slight negative as a big deal. But it's starting to really bother me now. He's a member of a gym and goes now and then, but he always has an excuse not to go. I hate excercise so do it once a week but am more aware of what i eat in between, unlike dh. I've suggested he goes on a weekend, and maybe 1 evening per week. I've not ever stopped him going he just doesn't want to.
I know it's sounding like I'm moaning but I don't know what to do. I know he doesn't like it either as he mentions it when putting on clothes, that his belly is big.
I'm finding I have no desire towards him sexually despite him wanting to (this causes a lot of rows about frequency etc) but I just don't find him appealing anymore. I have tried to look past it and hope that if we do it more ill get my mojo back but it's not happening.
Not to sound conceited but I'm a fairly ok looking women and do get the odd look now and then, I just wish he'd try and make an effort for me, you know??
Am I being unreasonable? How do I handle this??
On the flip side to add a bit of perspective, if I ask him for an honest opinion on how I look I get it . To the point when I was carrying weight after the kids he'd honestly tell me (if I asked) that my bum was big etc, so he will tell me but CANNOT take the same level of honesty back.
I think we have a responsibility to keep ourselves looking as good as we can- both for ourselves and for our partners - what does this mean? Its rubbish.
Should I get highlights instead of leaving my hair brown? Should I have blow dried my hair today? Should I have put make up on, when I know I look better with it but couldnt be bothered because its hot and I've been at the beach.
People should look how they want to look, and do as much highlighting/tanning/slimming/shaving as they want to, not dictated by their partner. Or anyone else. Or any society ideals.
Yeah I kind of agree with Hand ^
I think it's the mis-match in values: one thinks it's important to stay in shape. The other couldn't give a monkeys.
Hard to get past, that one. I think it runs a bit deeper than the belly.
To an extent Hand I take your point. I don't think anyone should feel they should be bullied into looking like someone's fantasy woman/man.
BUT on the other hand I wonder what your opinion is of the OP's DH? If he knows his weight is an issue and a turn off for the OP, does it not show a lack of respect, love and concern for her and their relationship?
There is a difference in my mind between letting yourself go, or being no oil painting in the first place and when your partner was happy with you when you first met- warts and all.
I think your DH needs a physical checkup, he sounds physically tired, he may be eating extra for energy to get through the day.
OP you are not being shallow or wrong here. I totally get where you are coming from. My dh is exactly the same, except he also drinks too much beer and this obviously sits on his belly.
And to those who say what about ageing wrinkles etc Well there is nothing we can do about ageing, but their is something we can do about keeping ourselves fit and at a healthy weight. And actually when i am out walking most days i am passed by an man in his seventies out running, he is fit, trim, has plenty of wrinkles and still looks old, but looks old yet fit this is actually possible. I find this man bloody attractive if i am honest. He smiles and says hello as he passes and he is by any standards a very attractive man, depsite his years, and probably because he looks after himself and is so fit.
I understand OP, it feels like your opinion doesn't matter, and you're not worth making the effort for. I also agree it is probably a deeper issue though. I used to seethe with rage inside at how my ex had piled on weight yet made no effort to lose it, ate utter rubbish, had no understanding of nutrition, hardly exercised etc etc. The issue was actually that I didn't love him though. And I realised that my disproportionate anger over his weight demonstrated that.
Beneath all of what you've written, I'm wondering if you feel he only 'makes an effort' if he wants sex? This in itself can be a real turn off.
There was a thread a whole ago where op's husband had said he didn't fancy her anymore but loved her. OP's DH went to the gym and tried to encourage her to join in and eat healthily. 90% of comments were 'LTB'.
So I suggest you leave him so he doesn't have to
Whatever you do don't tell him you don't fancy him. A bit of him will die inside.
I agree with dontput, leave him and don't tell him its over his weight.
With a bit of luck he will get a health checkup and find out his thyroid isn't working or sleep apnea are the issue, get them sorted, loose the weight. I hope he finds someone who loves him for who he is.
repetitiverobot- I feel exactly the same feelings as you have expressed in your posts.
Funnily enough, we married young too. He piled the weight on within a couple of years of marriage. He is now 5 and a half stone over weight, so well into the obese category. I weigh 9 stone 3lb and he is nearly 18 stone.
We have been married 22 years. Sometimes I get angry at his complete disinterest he has in taking care of himself. He too moans the he doesn't have sex often enough with me.
He snores all night keeping me bloody awake.
Sometimes I am fine and his weight issue doesn't bother me as he is aware of health issues etc. and me talking to him won't make him take care of himself.
Like your Dh mine doesn't drink alcohol but eats tons of crap.
I don't have much to add but wanted you to know I share your pain and don't think you are selfish at all but only human for feeling as you do about your husband's weight.
Agreeing with the above posters. Are you sure this is just not fancying him, and not something more? Not liking his personality for example?
In the time I have known DH, he has gone from rugby player to morbidly obese and I still fancy him. If I was shown his body in a line up of random men, to be honest I'd run a mile, but because that body is my DHs, and all his lovely traits are wrapped up inside it, I still love his body. His sense of humour, the way he makes me feel, that flutter I get in my tummy when we flirt keeps me shagging him, despite the almighty gut that squashes me when he's on top.
My tactic is to encourage a healthy lifestyle together, and laugh about it as we go along. It's actually quite comforting knowing that humour will get us through!
Teenage me would be horrified that I fancy a fat bloke this much!
You are crying because you feel shallow ... I hate to break it to you, but you are shallow, about as shallow as a puddle. I agree you should leave him, let him find someone with a bit of depth.
MrsMongoose - exactly you love him for who he is, you find HIM attractive... which is as it should be.
There was a reversed thread on this on here a few weeks ago, iirc the advice there was that the woman should leave her bastard husband for daring to suggest she lose weight, and poster after poster testified as to how her DH still loved her no matter how much weight she had put on etc etc.
I am continually amazed that "leave the bastard" is the default solution, no matter what the problem
LazyJaney - oddly enough, was about the say the same thing. There have been umpteen threads in the past where a woman has come on here or AIBU over the years to say her man has said - sometimes in a reasonably nice way and sometimes not - that they no longer find them so sexual attractive/fanciable because they have gained a lot of weight.
The almost unanimous chorus is "HOW DARE HE? You are the mother of his children, he should love you no matter how you look! What a fucking twat"
Having said that, I think there is more than that at play here.
See, i love my partner for who he is, not what he looks like, yeah, hes put on weight, so have i, we both need to lose it. But to not fancy him anymore - well, it would be a bit shallow wouldn't it.
Lazyjaney - i totally agree with you, i was even told to ditch my partner because of some issues i was having with a female friend His fault apparently because he treated me so hideously, which he doesn't, but someone felt it was ok to come onto a thread of mine and say this because a few years ago we had our problems.
I think some of the posts here slagging off the OP are a little 'blinded'.
Surely when we meet our partner, one of the things that attracts us is their appearance? They don't have to be eg. George Clooney [ insert your own choice here] but there does have to be some chemistry and sexual oomph.
It's rather naive imo to think that if their appearance changes beyond all recognition ( when it is something they can control- NOT talking about general ageing process or disability) that the attraction we feel might not change too.
You can still love someone in a friendly and platonic way but the feelings of being sexually attracted can change.
It's a bit pious and unrealistic to suggest otherwise.
And I'd say the same applies to both genders. I really don't know why people think it's fine once you are married or in a partnership to let your weight balloon, or stop caring about your appearance, and expect your partner to still feel the same about you.
If you care about your partner, then you surely want to try to maintain some kind of sexual attraction and be the person you were when you first met?
yeh, give her a BREAK! agree with missbopeep. It is pious and so naïve to think that 'love' is all about LOVE and nothing to do with lust. Also, you don't have to sleep with her fat husband do you?
I don't think the OP is shallow. And if she's crying it's out of guilt that she can't fancy an apathetic overweight man, although she wants to.
I think his personality is fat too. That could be more key to OP's tears really. He's sitting on the sofa declaring x, y and z boring whilst making no plans himself and eating pringles and watching tv. So it's not JUST the extra pounds. There's a sort of fatness permeating him now at this stage.
You don't tell him.
You'll make him feel like shit because he doesn't look like the poster boy you met. Find a kinder reason.
Then go and find someone new who you do fancy, throw away your relationship again when Mr. Sexyfornow starts missing the spot and start the whole process again with someone else.
One day though, it will be you punching above your weight. And I hope the guy you're with at that time has more about him than to dump you for it, because that would be just horrible, no?
I can't think of anything more hurtful than your partner not wanting you because you don't look pretty/handsome/buff enough (for them). That's not my definition of 'love' in the first place. Each to their own though.
I think you should tell him. I dont find excess weight at all attractive, especially as they will probably have less energy, be unhealthier and you want be able to have as energetic sex. I dont think there is anything wrong with thinking like this, and I think most people dont want their partners to let themselves go or put in no effort.
Tell him hes becoming a fat bastard and needs to get off his arse more and stop eating all the pies, because it doesnt suit him, and that you remember very well him telling you you were fat before, and hes a lot fatter now.
if necessary, you could follow it up with "no offence like"
Upnotdown- do you believe in sexual attraction as part of a relationship- or not? Do you believe sexual attraction is 'fixed'?
I think the whole issue should be turned around- the questions should be asked of HIM! WHY has he allowed himself to become a fat slob? Does he not feel any responsibility at all to keep himself in shape and be an attractive person to be with instead of a lazy TV-watching sloth? What exactly is HE offering and bringing to the relationship? Bugger all from what's been posted here.
If he was the kind of man that carried about himself before then telling him gently will hopefully help him realise what he is doing to himself.
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