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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

344 replies

Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 05:08

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

OP posts:
BadEngleesh · 22/10/2016 23:56

ohdearme1958
You don't sound the least bit sorry you might have touched a nerve. If you were I imagine you would have had the decency to stop with the nasty posts.

Original poster
Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 23:59

Ohdear, you've just repeated yourself. For someone who has starved for a long time with a very compromised metabolism, it is very easy to gain a lot of weight. This is not even relevant to the post.

OP posts:
BadEngleesh · 23/10/2016 00:01

OP, if I were you I would engage with any posters I thought were being unhelpful. There isn't any point and I think it encourages them.

ohdearme1958 · 23/10/2016 00:02

ohdearme1958
You don't sound the least bit sorry you might have touched a nerve. If you were I imagine you would have had the decency to stop with the nasty posts

There have been two missed opportunities to explain to me as someone who's admitted they no nothing about ED as to why a 5 stone weight gain in such a short space of time is possible if a person is in recovery and they haven't in fact developed an ED opposite to the one they had.

AyeAmarok · 23/10/2016 00:02

Sounds good Smile. I really think you'll be fine. It's a temporary thing, very temporary in the grand scheme of life and minor compared to everything else you've been through together in the last few years.

You both sound supportive and committed to each other. And that you love and respect one another, that's what's important. Best of luck 🍀

Original poster
Edwarrior · 23/10/2016 00:02

BadEngleesh, I'm sure you're right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edwarrior · 23/10/2016 00:03

AyeAmarok, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Edwarrior · 23/10/2016 00:04

Ohdear, see my previous post directed at you. There's the explanation.

OP posts:
ohdearme1958 · 23/10/2016 00:07

Ohdear, you've just repeated yourself. For someone who has starved for a long time with a very compromised metabolism, it is very easy to gain a lot of weight. This is not even relevant to the post

I really was trying to understand hence repeating myself.

But not anymore. Though I do hope things work out for you.

ohdearme1958 · 23/10/2016 00:08

Ohdear, see my previous post directed at you. There's the explanation

Yes. I saw that after we had cross posted.

Good luck to you.

BadEngleesh · 23/10/2016 00:10

Typo. I meant to type Wouldn't engage NOT would engage. Blush I hope it was obvious anyway.

Original poster
Edwarrior · 23/10/2016 00:10

Ohdear, ok, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edwarrior · 23/10/2016 00:11

BadEngleesh, yes, I understood what you meant anyway Smile

OP posts:
LadyStoic · 23/10/2016 02:03

It never ceases to amaze me how a thread can grow like Topsy with posters making fucking ridiculous ill-informed assumptions or spouting about the specifics of something they clearly know nothing about.... And continue to do so even AFTER the OP has corrected themHmm

And dressing up their own issues or their own smugness as 'support'

OP I'm not going to pretend I know much about EDs as I don't. I do though know that what you have described sounds like you've both had a shitload going on to deal with in a pretty short period of time. Ditto that the situation is very fluid - like many, many other people's situations in Recovery where I do have a slightly better grasp of the issues they are in Recovery from. Ergo, like a PP, I urge you to please be brutally selective about what you 'listen to' from the posts on here.

Macro, what you describe sounds to me like a loving supportive relationship but with the inevitable micro aspects of turmoil that the 'so much going on' will inevitably present with. I echo PP's who have tentatively suggested it's possible that your DH's own MH + his medication may well have reduced his libido but that he simply hasn't/doesn't yet understand the cause and effect yet.... IE like many people dealing with MH & medication issues IME, sometimes it's impossible to know what is causing what so - with no malice remotely involved - a specific issue can get inadvertently 'pinned' onto the wrong thing.

Folks yelping LTB and calling your DH a 'cunt' (FFS) clearly have NO clue of the reality of your marriage so I'd repeat, please do pay great heed to what you do and do not take from some, ahem, 'responses' you have had. Ditto the binary thinking (as if life were that fucking simple!)

The only comments I feel safe making - on account of not being an ED expert, nor a MH expert, nor knowing the intricacies of your marriage [just chucking those thoughts out there for other posters who seem to have confused their bonkers views with expert factHmm] - are that I think it's good your DH didn't lie to you (even if he may actually be well off the mark himself vis causation!) as how the fuck would lying have helped? Then surely you'd have had TWO issues to deal with, the matter of sex and the way bigger one (IMHO) of trust issues being introduced.

Likewise that I think your commitment to your recovery is utterly fucking awesome, and from what you describe you sound like a pretty tight and loving family unit; albeit one that unsurprisingly needs a little help right now. On that note, is it possible to increase your couples counselling to more than just one session a month? Once weekly - given both so much going on and so so much in flux right now - seems to look way more useful (if that is something that is accessible to you resources wise), and ideally with a couples therapist with some experience of EDs & BP given they are pretty 'expertise-needed' subjects when doling out advice or trying to unpick stuff!

I wish you - ALL of you - well Flowers

LadyStoic · 23/10/2016 02:07

Fuck that's long isn't it! Blush

Only other thing I wanted to say is am I the only person who is pretty jaw dropped that a thread arising from an ED situation has has pics from 'The Biggest Loser' posted on it? Really?? FFS Angry

Original poster
Edwarrior · 23/10/2016 02:26

Lady, I think you have hit the nail on the head in all aspects. Yes, I think it's a very good idea for us to go to the counsellor more regularly also. However, we both also have individual sessions every 3 weeks also, so the cost really does add up and unfortunately I don't think we can fork out any more than we currently do on counselling (we currently pay about AU $600 per month all up)!

I noticed that also! Ridiculous. But diet culture is so pervasive, it's very hard to get away from it. I just ignore it!

OP posts:
LadyStoic · 23/10/2016 03:07

Might it be possible to just up the counselling to twice a month as opposed dream scenario of weekly? So that would 'only' (I do know that this stuff costs!!!) be one more session cost to add to the AU$600 but the yield/benefits could be huge - would also be a great 'anchoring' point for each of you as individuals AND as a couple, and with a session EOW the next one will never be too far away IYSWIM.

Month to month is just such a very huge time gap in context of all you have going on whereas fortnightly would be a constant 'wrap around' for both of you and would compliment your own individual sessions pretty well.

Did you go into a treatment centre for your ED or have any ED specific support as outpatient? If so, then maybe one of those sources may be able to offer some - critically, INFORMED! - input for you on the issue vis sex in recovery? Again, that's pre-supposing that that is actually where the issue is coming from though...

You sound lovely, I do hope it all works out for you Flowers

LouisvilleLlama · 23/10/2016 04:01

With the pictures that was me and yes I admit it was misguided, I did try and balance with my comment, probably badly, for that I am sorry it was just the first thing that came to mind regarding differences when talking about the % of weight.

I think a few people got to far in so for that I apologise in the part I played

Naicehamshop · 23/10/2016 08:14

OP - safeguard your mental and emotional health. That is the most important thing.
Good luck.

pugsake · 23/10/2016 10:00

Morning (afternoon for you) edwarrior.

Threads moved on since yesterday morning I'm a bit Shock at some things.

Just to say I hope you and your DP are both doing ok.

My DP has psychosis (medicated) he's said your DP may be on similar type meds with it being bi-polar and they can mess with your libido a lot when you get started on them.

He also said one type of meds he tried made him grow boobs (which is lovely) Confused

I'm not using him to mansplain. He's the only person I know on those type of drugs.

TheStoic · 23/10/2016 11:24

Hopefully HQ remove the post with the pics soon. Unbelievable.

OP, would you have believed your husband if he'd said 'The real reason I'm avoiding sex is because I think my medication is affecting my libido'?

captainfarrell · 23/10/2016 13:50

The drip feed from OP reads differently from the initial post which is what most people have time for. Please give all details upfront and you might get more rounded replies.

ohisawthat · 23/10/2016 16:42

What has OP said that "reads differently" to her initial post?

captainfarrell · 23/10/2016 18:22

The drip feeding. Nothing about his bipolar in the initial post, which changes everything imo.

BadEngleesh · 23/10/2016 19:08

CaptainFarral. The OP mentioned her DHs bipolar within an hour of starting the thread. That's hardly a drip feed especially as she first posted at five am.

Did you read the whole thread or just the OP and the latest posts?