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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

344 replies

Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 05:08

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

OP posts:
mycatstares · 22/10/2016 21:39

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has been cleared up.

Is it possible he can't get an erection and doesn't want to tell you?

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 21:40

Of course LittleTripTo Heaven they wouldn't say it to sound supportive but actually be making Op feel more shit about herself, this is MN after all where we're supportive

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/10/2016 21:42

There is a massive difference in opinions here, between the people who would rather know the truth and find lying abhorrent, and those who would want to be told a nicer truth and have their feelings spared. Both are valid.

In this case, OP has said she would rather know the truth. Her DH presumably knows her well and knows that. She wanted him to be honest and he was. Whether or not he should have is irrelevant - he did what she wanted him to do and she is not a child, she should get that choice. The only debateable matter is what you do with that information, what next steps are reasonable.

It's incredibly infantilising to say he should have lied to save the OPs feedings, when she has said she does not want that. Nobody else gets to choose what information OP gets. He doesn't get to judge whether she's told the truth. It may be different if OP was relapsing or unwell or otherwise unable to decide for herself, but she is able to decide for herself, she asked the question - and he has bipolar, and appears to be struggling with new medication, so may not have the capacity to judge this anyway.

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 21:43

Also DoinitFine how do you know the men on them threads don't have an issue? It's not only women

green18 · 22/10/2016 22:06

Not forced to have sex but the fact that a little thing like weight means he doesn't want to have sex, to me would mean he was shallow and didn't really love me. So no, I don't think he should have sex that he doesn't want but that the fact he can't get aroused just because of weight says a lot about the way he feels about her.

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 22:11

But although sure you get to know and live a person and their personality is a stupidly big amount to that, it may just be me but I've never been aroused because i remember a joke someone told me, and then proceeded to be kind, surely that's an emotional attraction but sex is physical and sure emotions come into it a lot but sexual arousal atleast for me is physical and looks based. I've never heard someone say "they've got a great personality I want to absolutely ravage them"

green18 · 22/10/2016 22:18

*All of my hair fall out when my thyroid died. All of it. Eyebrows, eyelashes, body hair, head hair. I had 4 years of varying amounts of bald.

And yet my dh who had met me with long, thick hair said nothing. Married me with barely 2mm of hair.*
This is taken from another thread tonight. Not all men are as shallow as Op's DH.

captainfarrell · 22/10/2016 22:19

I disagree Louis sense of humour and kindness is majorly sexy to me.

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 22:22

Captain I said it plays a major part but you'd need to be physically attracted also wouldn't you? I mean humour and kindness go so far but at a point it would diminish? For example with a 20stone guy?

captainfarrell · 22/10/2016 22:28

Yes but OP still has the same face!

Joysmum · 22/10/2016 22:29

humour and kindness go so far but at a point it would diminish? For example with a 20stone guy?

My hubby is well over 20 stone. No problems here as I love him and we both know what each other likes. Had a number of partners before my DH and nobody was as good or satisfying. That's why I genuinely struggle with the thought that the body of the person you love can override wanting them. Sex is fun and a way of expressing love Confused

Kr1stina · 22/10/2016 22:30

It's not that he should be having sex he doesn't want. t's the fact that he doesn't want sex with his wife that is the problem

A marriage where one person doesn't want sex because of something that is necessary to the other person's health is finished

Sexual attraction so shallow that it turns off with weight gain that is necessary to get over an eating disorder doesn't speak of an especially strong love

This.

People's bodies change, they gain or lose weight, they get older, they become illl or disabled. Couples all around the world are having sex after one of them has an amputation, or a stoke or a mastectomy or during and after cancer treatment . If necessary they find new ways to be intimate because they love each other. They love the whole person , not just their six pack or their flat stomach or their size 8 body.

But your husband cannot even deal with a sick wife who has become healthy. That's not love.

captainfarrell · 22/10/2016 22:30

Are you really excluding a 20 stone guy? Most rugby players are probably up there!

green18 · 22/10/2016 22:32

Absolutely Kr1stina

LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 22:33

This reply has been deleted

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captainfarrell · 22/10/2016 22:36

I just don't buy it. You either have a strong love/bond/attraction that will see you through rough times or you don't.

ohdearme1958 · 22/10/2016 23:05

I don't know much if anything about eating disorders but it's striking me as being a bit odd that the OP considers herself to be on the winning side of one yet she's managed to gain a huge amount of weight in such a very short time. It would have taken some very serious eating. And to be honest I'm wondering if the OP hasn't exchanged one eating disorder for another. There's just something not adding up here.

Lymmmummy · 22/10/2016 23:24

It's very hard to know what impact the bi polar has it if this is not important

In the surface of it he sounds awful but that's the surface

Truthfully what are the options you return to having an eating disorder so that he finds you attractive

Perhaps you are just not well suited now you have recovered?

Lymmmummy · 22/10/2016 23:31

Yes I agree about going from size 8-14 but it depends on the height/build of OP - also size 8 may be an average fir certain height/build types

But is really not the main thrust of the OP concern which is that with a different body shape her partner no longer finds her attractive -

Original poster
Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 23:40

Ohdear, you said yourself you know nothing about eating disorders, and that is apparent in your comment. Please take your ignorance elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 23:42

Lymm, I have gone from the low end of healthy BMI to nearly obese, a size 14 does not look good on me.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 22/10/2016 23:51

How are you feeling today about everything Ed? Have you had a chance to sleep on things?

Original poster
Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 23:52

Captain, he has never once said anything even close to me "being too fat to fuck". He is a kind man and worded his response accordingly. Like I have said many times over in this thread. I value honesty and would much prefer him to answer my direct auestion honestly, than come up with excuses for months on end and lie when I would be able to see through it anyway. He respects me enough to tell me thw truth, and I appreciate that. It may be different for you, maybe you'd prefer a more compassionate white lie that helps you keep your head in the sand, but I'm a big girl and I can handle the truth without letting it affect my resolve to beat this ED.

OP posts:
ohdearme1958 · 22/10/2016 23:53

Ohdear, you said yourself you know nothing about eating disorders, and that is apparent in your comment. Please take your ignorance elsewhere

I'm sorry I've touched a nerve. The fact is that 5 stone in a short space of time is a lot of calories and would indicate to those who don't know about ED that things have gone from one extreme to another.

Original poster
Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 23:56

AyeAmarok, yes I have. Thank you for checking in. We had another chat about it last night. He is very committed and loving, as am I, so we are going to work on this the best we can. We're optimistic that we can find a way through this Smile

OP posts:
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