Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

[Edwarrior]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

Bran, I have said this very thing to him about getting old and wrinkly. His reasoning for why this is different is because aging happens very slowly and we would both adjust to it. I have gained 50% of my body weight in 5 months so it's a pretty rapid change in comparison. I do still worry about this somewhat, but what he says does make sense to me.

FishSauce thank you!

I can't help but think what the OPs husband said was totally and unnecessary cruel, you have a woman who is doing her best to overcome an ED and all he can say is she is too big to have sex with! I can only hope it's his own MH to not realize this is totally out of order to say to a recovering ED sufferer. If you love someone you love them through good times and bad!

Love and sexual attraction are not the same thing though. They overlap, but they are not the same.

He does love her Buster, he loves her very much. It wasn't "unnecessary", OP asked. And it's not "all he can say"; he's been nothing but supportive and encouraging right through her recovery, and at no point has said he wants to leave the relationship. He just doesn't want sex, right now.

Some of these replies are ridiculous.

Yes but if you love someone surely you would find them attractive too?

AyeAmorak what's ridiculous is to possibly put your wife's health at risk by being so bloody honest!

Buster, through this thread I think i have come to realise that for some people sexual attraction is very much tied to love, and for others it's not. I guess we are all different.

Buster. My recovery is not undermined by this. I prefer he respect me enough to answer honestly when I directly ask him a question than lie to protect me.

OK Buster. He should have lied when she said she wanted the truth to a question she already knew the answer to. Treated her like an idiot. Played the "headache" card indefinitely. OP would have felt much better then.

I actually don't think this situation is the train crash that some posters are making it out to be.

The OP and her DH love each other and are affectionate. She is recovering from her ED and he is finally getting treatment for his bipolar. They also have a 1 year old.

I don't think that your DH not wanting sex is that disasterous, 30kg is a massive gain and he only said he didn't find it attractive when he was asked. He really was in a no win situation and the OP said she wouldn't have wanted him to lie. I suspect an awful lot of people would find such a rapid weight gain 'unattractive'.

OP, if I were you I would do nothing for a while. I now this is contrary to most of the other posts but I think time will solve this problem. Don't put a time limit on it and don't pressurize your DH.
Carry on enjoying each other's company and that of your child. I think sex is really important for relationships but I suspect if you start giving your DH ultimatums then it's not going to end well. If you genuinely can't live sex then you need to split up.

OP, well done on the ED recovery, I hope everything works out. I do realise my completely amateur advice is contrary to many others but it really sounds that this could be a temporary issue and one that could resolve itself with a little time.

The main issue here for me would be the assumption that your weight will taper in time, and at that point he will fancy you again. Well whoopdedoo! What happens if your weight doesn't taper? All that he has achieved right now is putting a negative focus back on your weight and shape, which when you are in recovery is bad news. He has told you that unless you lose weight he will not want to have sex with you again. When he knows you have a history of eating disorders.

It's plain to see everyone has different views on this, which is great, she's not the woman he married in looks which must be hard for all involved. I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength OP, I do admire you for facing your ED head on.

Thank you, BadEngleesh, that is exactly what I have decided to do. The pressure is off and I will just see what happens. We will continue to have our date nights and enjoy time together, as well as see our marriage counsellor, and see where it goes. Thank you for your comment

Thank you, I will have a look at that website! I'm also on 3 different medications, 2 of which have weight gain as a side effect. Sadly I can't cope without them (also have bipolar) so I just have to find a way to sort myself out. Thank you, and best of luck :)

Witsender, he has not said if i don't lose weight he won't have sex with me at all. He has said he is going to try to change his view. He thinks that he will probably get used to it, but at the moment it is a shock to him. Whether he can or not only time will tell.

Purplebluebird, please do have a good read over the information there, I can assure you it will be a lightbulb moment where it all will suddenly make sense to you. All the best to you xx

Edwarrior

Op what happens if you get pregnant,you will gain wait quickly and might not lose it for a while after.

I feel very sorry for you. My weight is up and down by 6.5 stone thanks to my binge eating disorder.

Luckily my DH sees sex as expressing his love for me and me him, rather than fucking a body, so his attraction for me hasn't wavered.

Such a shame you DH isn't the same. That's not to say you both can't work through this.

weight!!!

Move forward knowing that his sexual live for you depends on you looking as you did when you met.

He no longer loves you as a husband, but as a brother. Or a friend.

Weird that he says he'd be able to force himself to have sex with you rather than split up when he previously told you that you repelled him so much he wouldn't be able to maintain an erection.

She won't get pregnant in a sexless marriage, so there is that.

Yes Doinitfine good point. How very sad. I think he definitely has his own issues so the road ahead will be very hard indeed. Imagine a man saying I can't have sex with you because you've had a masectomy. I don't care how honest he is being, some things can't be forgiven or forgotten.

mastecomy!!! Too cross to spell!