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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

954 replies

Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 18:14

Hope this works...

OP posts:
Froginapan · 18/10/2016 18:19

Checking in (though in reality I feel incredibly checked-out)

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 18:27

Checking in. Not that I'm any use but my bushes in the garden might get a rattling with the shears.

Cross. Upset. With myself. Am having weird feelings of inadequacy wrt my current love interest. My oh. The other half of me. My coming home man.

Chloecoconut · 18/10/2016 19:18

Checking in also. My kids are with their dad this week. He was moaning about having to take a week off work unpaid and making out that he was doing me a huge favour. Except he's working today and tomorrow and has arranged a meeting for Friday that will take up most of the day. Fine, as it's his time and the kids are with his mum - but the constant crap about taking a week off when actually he isn't .... #fcukwit

Chloecoconut · 18/10/2016 19:20

Oh and store up any old crockery ladies. My counsellor suggested smashing plates etc when angry. You can write on them and then smash them. Just wrap them in a couple of carrier bags so you don't end up picking bits of them up for weeks like I did ... Blush

crazybat · 18/10/2016 19:23

Just hold my hand and pass the wine. Wine my poor poor child is literally being brought up by a fucktard and and a normal human being.

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 19:23

Chloe you've just given me laugh, but then after I have felt sympathy for the mess you had to tidy!

Is throwing plates at ex ok? imaginary throwing maybe?

OP posts:
Natsku · 18/10/2016 19:28

Checking in as well. Smashing floors, plates, anything with a picture of ex on... all good relief Grin

Ex has to meet with DD's social workers next week to sign off on her care plan renewal which will likely result in him arguing about everything and refusing to sign. So glad the social workers arranged for separate meetings for us now after a particularly bad one at DD's nursery where he was shouting and screaming while little children were outside the window Sad Don't think it matters if he doesn't sign, think they only need one of us to agree to things and I've already done so, but they have to try.

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 19:28

I cut trees. I am not safe to be let loose with the loppers.

PurpleThursday · 18/10/2016 19:36

I'm in too. Oh frog. I am really feeling for you at the moment. I will try and find some inspirational words ...

PurpleThursday · 18/10/2016 19:42

Dusters following on from what you said earlier, you are completely safe to voice those thoughts here - we totally understand! For me that is one of the hardest elements to it - my XH (well soon to be, with a bit of the luck the divorce will be finalised by Christmas) is such a grinning salesman. People think he is charming, lovely, innocent and really fall for his fake personality. I don't actually blame them as I did too! It is SO SO hard to dis-engage, but the only option I think. I got sucked into a row just this week when we had all the crap on access. He makes out I am unreasonable, too sensitive, seeing things that aren't there with my DS (I wish!) and just completely in denial about his behaviour and the ramifications of the things he says and does on the children. Stupidly STUPIDLY I got sucked into text arguments trying to get him to see/understand. I know it was pointless but when it comes to defending my DC's I find it super hard to bite my tongue. Hmm

PurpleThursday · 18/10/2016 19:48

How I wish Social Workers etc had seen through him. Even to the point where a member of the public called the police when they felt my DS was being abducted by a stranger because XH was using such force - he made out it was a 'game' despite DS being beside himself with anxiety and phoning me in distress. He managed to persuade everyone (with 3 different versions of the story) that he was blameless and I was just trying to cause problems for him. I at the stage where I think completely relocating my family is going to be the only option for my children to live an emotionally safe life.

PurpleThursday · 18/10/2016 19:52

I just had a paranoid moment.... I really hope that Mumsnet feel there is too much highly sensitive information in our threads to make them public in any way..

Chloecoconut · 18/10/2016 19:53

Lilac - I write exactly what I think of him on the plates and then throw them. Hard. Usually accompanied by a few choice words. The uncovered plates were only a mistake I made once lmao. It really does help though!

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 19:54

Purple your comment about your ex 'sucking' you into an argument made me think that these men are like leeches. They're sucking our souls out of us to fill a void in them.

My ex was a golden-child. His void is the gap between what he was told when developing (what he thinks of as normal) and what happens to him as an adult (real life). He expects the world to bend around his needs and doesn't understand new situations or people, unless linked to things he already knows. He controls everything to keep in his place of safety. If he's ever seriously ill or something terrible happens to him he's likely to have a full break down, he has no resilience.

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 19:57

Mine was a golden child too but they all were reared to believe they really were better then anyone else. His mother is a narc too.

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 19:58

And yes lilac - he has no resilience. E.g. Over the dog. He could not understand why the kennels wouldn't bend the rules for him.

I lied. I can tell you all. I lied. I told him I was going away when he wanted the dog minded but I wasn't. I was here. I just didn't want to enable him

Chloecoconut · 18/10/2016 19:58

Purple - it's just crazy how they get people to like them still isn't it? When I was in my worst place with everything I tried to remind myself that after me he had a string of girlfriends and they were all sucked in by his wit, charm, lies etc. It's not US it's THEM - the men. Everyone sees through them eventually. We can change our lives bit by bit and we can get through it - they will always be fcukwits and nothing will ever change that ....

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 20:02

Same here, exMIL is narc.

I regularly say to my DCs "life's not all about you" and they are empathetic and have friends.

His mum told ex "you're better than your cousins and friends" and he struggles to be sypathetic and to keep friends!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 20:05

The GFs are buying the saleman act. Narcs seem to have a way to veil unsuspecting women and then gaslight them to keep the relationship going.

OP posts:
rememberthetime · 18/10/2016 20:06

Nice new thread. Just posted on the old one...

Hoping for a bit of advice. Is it normal for me to feel sad that my daughter doesn't want to see my ex? She describes him as toxic to her. She's not wrong. She is 14 and very emotionally intelligent and she just knows that he will do her harm so she only sees him when forced to.

I feel like i have to keep making the effort and I fear he thinks i am putting ideas in her head about how she doesn't have to see him. I say the opposite. I feel like he should be in her life.

Is that messed up? I just don't want her to say to me in her adulthood that I ruined her relationship with her dad. but she may say that I ruined her mental health by encouraging her to see him...

I have only been out of the marital home for 2 weeks. So very early days. I guess I am finding my feet still.

Chloecoconut · 18/10/2016 20:07

Auser - I've done the same at times but with the dog and the kids. He will have asked me to have them back earlier than agreed and I've said no. There are times when I could have made it work but after all the crap he's put me through I refuse to bend over backwards and change my plans to help him.

2012PP · 18/10/2016 20:14

Hi.
Please can I join? I left my partner of 10 years in May. I have a ; yo ds.
I am just coming to terms with the awful way I have been treated.
Like so many people on here , ex is all smiles and "all" about the image so seems utterly lovely to everyone. And a wonderful parent blah blah blah... I'm so fed up tonight as my son is there & Ive had several emails trying to change access/visit agreements that have only just been agreed and I'm so fed up of being told I'm unstable & unreasonable . tonight - I've had enough...

PurpleThursday · 18/10/2016 20:16

Welcome 20 I think it is a theme that they try to change arrangements. All about control. Never about the best interests of the children. It is heartbreaking and so hard to deal with. Hopefully you will find some solidarity here. We feel your pain.

2012PP · 18/10/2016 20:20

Oh purple. Thank you.
Yes it is never about what ds needs- Ever . It's so infuriating .
It's so sad to read that there are so many sick people out there. But I'm so glad I found this thread... It's helpful to read how others manage... I feel like I'm thinking through sticky treacle today.

ddrmum · 18/10/2016 20:31

Hello! Just checking in. Sadly dealing with a narc who thinks it's his right to withold my DS & lie in court. Trying to get sw to get a move on.they've got 4 reports over 6yrs saying the same thing - nothings changed he's still an aggressive volatile asshole Angry