support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

[PurpleThursday]

I think we need to create a 3 point list or something we all need to follow! e.g

1. Count to 10 and breathe deeply when in any form of contact with 'WankNarc' (anyone got any better name suggestions?)

1. Repeat to yourself that he is a different species, cannot (will not) understand/acknowledge/respect anything you have to say. And therefore stop talking

1. Step back, slowly and calmly. Focus on the beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful DC's who are unfortunate enough to have this person in their lives. DC's NEED you. DESERVE you and are DEPENDING on you to be the wonderful, capable, fabulous mother that you are and don't deserve to have to see you through the shitstorm that WN creates around you all. Float above that shit in your superior knowledge that you no longer have to participate and HE IS IN YOUR PAST.

Or something along those lines

[2012PP]

What a good idea Purple.
I'm definitely going to try that.
Can't think of s better name.
The one you've said sums it up perfectly

[Ausernotanumber]

I am usually much ruder 😀😂. It those are great.

It is corny and trite but disengage disengage disengage is the only thing that works.

[user1474193901]

OMG Purplethurday,
I'm going to have your three point printed out and stick on my wall! Inner to remind myself if these daily

[2012PP]

Hi number.
I think I could possibly disengage if it was just me... But when my son is there i feel so vulnerable and it's like if I don't agree/be nice/amenable etc... I worry about d.s. Nothing bad has happened to him (yet) but there's always the threat and worry.
I know it's a bit silly but it's true!
How the heck did i get into this mess?????

[Ausernotanumber]

I know how that feels 2012. And I certainly don't always get it right. On one memorable occasion I stood out the front here and yelled like a fishwife. And zero fucks were given at the time.

[2012PP]

Oh number. I'm so sorry to hear that. How long have you been separated?
I screamed today. There was no one around to hear so i really went for it.
Perhaps my neighbours might worry a bit ???? But it's taken for ages to get a visitation plan organised and I got "told" some dates had to change because of things ex is doing... Blah blah blah and non of it is in anyone elses favour other than X .
I'm sorry to go on & on... Be not had anywhere to say this out loud before.
It's very liberating/refreshing.
Thanks.

[greencarbluecar]

I'm here. Nodding along with your posts and thinking that I could written so much of them word for word, as usual.

Mine is a convincing salesman too. Scarily so. I get so tired and down with it at times and so hard not to keep fighting back for the sake of DC but he really believes everything should revolve around him. I'm trying to train myself to think that disengaging is a sensible move in managing the situation, rather than giving up and failing my DC.

[2012PP]

Hi green.
It sounds so awful but Retraining oneself to disengage sounds like it's a much needed thing to do.
I've realise tonight being on here that I'm not mad, I'm not alone and im not imaging things but that there is definitely a way out. You lot Are the proof of that so thank you

[Lilacpink40]

so happy I'm not the only one driven to fisherwife full on screaming. I know he's winning, as then he can go back to his groupies (parents and GF) saying I'm a screaming mad women, but he drives me insane.

We were all raised to know right from wrong, and it's the unfairness that maddening isn't it?

[2012PP]

Yes X goes to people who think the sun shines....
AND I found out yesterday that X has new g/f living there . Ds told me he sees X "friend" every time he's there and that he now sleeps in a new bed as "y" sleeps in the big bed with "X" .... Wtf .????
Is this "normal" horrid narc ex behaviour?
I'm so confused by it all

[Alwaysrushingaround]

Please can I join? Some lovely sane posts here that I wish I'd discovered when my STBEH left me
I hear ye on the controlling and how does he still know what buttons to press to make me appear like some kind of irrational, over anxious, clingy freak ? ( complete with fishwife lingo)

[mysinkingheart]

First time on this thread...good to know you're here.. Divorce finally came through in August though we've been living apart for two years, 1 DS. Don't feel sick at seeing a text from him, never mind the sight of him, now but it took a long time.

2012 you've probably heard of it but the website outofthefog has some useful resources, I use their "medium chill" technique a lot and it works (basically you become uninteresting, not engaging emotionally, only answering in a factual grey manner). I also use their JADE recommendation ie to never justify, argue, defend or explain your feelings, views etc. This has maybe been said a gazillion times before, sorry if so.
As for the shifting goalposts on custody agreement, that's my ex's favourite trick. I've learned not to give him the pleasure of seeing me annoyed. So I defer my reply (I'll get back to you on that), don't answer texts or calls immediately unless I want to (hardly ever) and refuse to change my dates. I quietly say I'll take DS if you can't do it on your days but can't swap (with no explanation, none of his business).
After getting over the anger at him not pulling his weight (he asked for shared custody but that was only to show narc mum what a good guy/victim he is) I found the benefit of "helping" him like this is that he can't hook me into an argument as he thinks he's won and also DS spends more time with me it's better for both of us.
Have past breaking things as it now feels like any emotion spent on him is wasted energy not that I wouldn't like to run off to the other side of the world/hire a hint as some days!!

to you all

[2012PP]

Hey always.
I just arrived here too. Wish I found it ages ago... But so glad to read and get some support .
Hope it can help you too

[mulberrybag]

Still lurking along with the head nodding at every post. Mine has jumped penis first into his second relationship since we split and is alternating between trying to rip my life apart and trying to be the nicest man on this planet.
I'm really close to heading back to the GP to get some support in the way of mind numbing tablets. I feel like I am totally losing the plot and am being railroaded into half term/holiday agreements with him playing the victim card at every opportunity even though he is the utter bastard in this situation.
to you all and thank you for the opportunity to vent safely as someone mentioned up thread

[PurpleThursday]

Hi sinking. Welcome. Your advice is fab. As soon as I get a minute I am going to get googling. It sounds like very constructive and positive advice for us all. Thank you.

[2012PP]

Mysinkingheat -THANK YOU. I haven't heard of any of those sites or ideas.
I'm new (and very raw) to this whole business so I'm definitely going to check them out As I seriously need some coping strategies .
Until today I thought I was on top of things and had a handle on X and stuff. But "no". I've had the rug pulled from under me (again) and I am so frigging fed up of this feeling I wanna scream (again) like a mad fisher-woman.
Instead of getting wound up I'm going to read your suggestions💃💐

[mysinkingheart]

mulberry "jumped penis first"
Seriously though can you avoid pills? It doesn't't seem fair that you have to do that and deal with possibly nasty side effects just because of him.
Glad you're not falling for the victim shot. He shouldn't be getting the chance to tell you his sob stories anyway, they're his problem.
Sorry I feel for you, been there

[greencarbluecar]

sinking I'd never heard of that website, thank you. It sounds like just what we need. I'll be looking at that as soon as I'm alert enough.

YY to the playing the victim, switching from destroying you to extra nice, having new GF over straight away, pressing the buttons. It doesn't need saying by now that they're all oh so similar, so I'm just saying this to add to the voices saying it's NOT you, you're NOT alone.

mulberry diving penis first made me laugh! I know it's not funny really but that was so accurate

[mysinkingheart]

Hey purple, it's good to be able to share tactics, I got loads of support on MN back in 2012 when I finally realised I was being gaslighted to hell (plus infidelity as punishment, passive aggression, pathological narcissism) so feels natural to pass on anything that worked for me.
2012 hang in there..get as much information as you can to protect yourself, it's the best way to getting yourself back...you can do it
Just thought of another great source it's Ross Rosenberg's YouTube videos about self love. Lots of great info about how narcs work and how to stay away from them. Think I fell a little bit in love with him

[Lilacpink40]

Mulberry are the things he's doing now unavoidable or can you cut communication right down so you don't have to hear it?
I think your sanity and general wellbeing should cone first.

My GP told me that AD are like a splint around a broken bone, but the bone still needs to mend. Counselling mended my broken bones enough so I came off ADs. It seems like your ex trying to break you, so that's why I'm suggesting some avoidance.

[mysinkingheart]

Hi lilac thanks for the thread
Great advice to mulberry..absolute minimal contact and lots of self care..

[Lilacpink40]

Hi Sinkingheart thanks for your recommendation, I found this:
outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

I really like this line as I've never thought of my ex having a problem like alcoholism, but if I think about it as his problem it does make more sense:
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it."

[greencarbluecar]

I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it

You know those decorative signs you can get with quotes on? We should all have ones saying that. Or magnets. Whopping great magnets on our fridges.

Is writing it across the mirror going too far?

[2012PP]

Ive just been reading the out of the fog website👌
It's brilliant.
I had NO idea what was happening was gas lighting! O M G !
I've got some serious reading and healing and work to do but it's quite liberating to know "it's not me" ... There isn't anything "wrong" with me .
I hadn't realised how much of a mess I'm in.
Sorry to go on about me - this is a huge realisation .
In quite dizzy😳