support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

[messeduptotally]

I feel like Ive been replaced, hes taking new gf to all the places we used to go and integrating her with all our mutual friends, I feel 'replaced'.
Ive fallen out with a mutual friend who I thought was supporting me but it seems they were the go between all along. They knew how I was feeling but decided to put a photo on FB of them all having a drink together -exh, new gf and mutual friends. That really hurt as I had blocked everyone else. I text her and said it was insensitive and I have now blocked her, and she said she was disappointed in me!! WTF, Ive just lost my job then I get exh rammed down my throat..
Am I the one being unreasonable??

[messeduptotally]

oh and just reading up thread I posted nothing about me having a 'good time' when we split and he even unfriended me on FB first as he didn't want to see me having a nice time with someone else, but now theres a new gf its plastered everywhere, its like they are saying 'f*ck you and your feelings'
maybe I read into it too much.
I have been told his gf has put 'shes in a new relationship' with a photo of them both, but he hasn't....yet...
I really don't want to know..

[Isaintheshop]

Hello, another newbie here. About to have a scary conversation with solicitor. STBXH has been shouting and rowing in front of nearly 3 year old DS. Really worried how contact will work - he cries if his dad comes to nursery to pick him up, and usually won't leave the house without me. I've been trying to keep it all out of DS's sight but this weekend STBXH has just not left it alone.

[2012PP]

Hi everyone,
I can't believe how many people have suffered at the hands of selfish people.
it is totally beyond me how someone can behave like that. i know they have a different perspective and possibly a different brain chemistry, but it's still awful.
it's great that there is support on here, really invaluable

[ohforfoxsake]

Hi Isa, in my experience contact will work if its done on his terms and doesn't cause him any inconvenience. If you DS fusses and doesn't appear to want to go, I imagine (from my own experience) that your XH will give up, complain and blame you.

WRT the shouting in front of your 2yo, chances are your XH is far too important and entitled to be expected to modify his behaviour or act appropriately.

You will never win, so you have nothing to lose. I spend my time fire-fighting and compensating, especially with my youngest who doesn't see him at all. He simply won't do anything on her terms. Its ok with the older boys as they're into their footy so they can sit and watch Sky Sports together, and DD is a pleaser so she will just make the best of it (I fear for her adult relationships). Actually, I worry about all of them being able to sustain healthy adult relationships as he and I have set an incredibly bad example so far.

Good luck at the solicitor. Write everything down is my advice.

[nicenewdusters]

Messedup You are so not being unreasonable, and definitely not reading too much into it. Your "friend" is a disgrace. Even if she's so weak that she's ready to jump ship and play with her new friends, she should have regard to your feelings. How exactly is she disappointed in you I wonder? Two examples to share with you.

Friend of mine, divorced, ex utter narc, dd seeing a psychiatrist as he's messing with her so much. One of her closest friends and her husband are still "mates" with the ex, occasionally socialise, always chat with him. My friend grins and bears it, but told me it makes her feel like they don't really take her seriously. It's as though her ex's actions aren't really that bad to warrant them walking away from him.

Another friend, closer to me, went to hell and back last couple of years. Unimaginably sad time, we were joined at the hip throughout. She had a lovely family day out with my ex and kids, couple of other get togethers. And had the nerve to try and counsel me as to how to maintain some sort of communication with him. I seethed underneath. Then one night when we were due to meet up in a group, I texted the group and said what she'd been doing, and said I wouldn't be there. She found out why, wrote a long letter of apology, and our friendship has started to repair.

Her actions really brought me low. It made me distrust my friends for months. I now just have much lower expectations. I don't think most people have the nerve to turn away from somebody else's ex, even when they know the backstory. They don't have the courage. Ultimately they don't want to rock their world, let any of the nastiness in. So, if you have to pay the price, so be it. It's complete rubbish.

Isain - are you meeting with your solicitor to try and agree what the contact will be? My dc are older, so I don't have any advice as to what you do in these situation with such a young child. I know others on here have been (and are going) through similar though.

2012pp - yes, it's shocking isn't it, I'm gobsmacked at the lack of self-respect these men have. I know they don't see it that way. But really, if you had any self awareness, you wouldn't want to be viewed as a selfish, immature bully. It's troubling how little regard they have for their dc's welfare. They literally don't see them as a separate individual. They just view them in relation to their own lives; what can this do for me, how can I use them to help me get what I want. Shame there isn't a narc sterilisation programme. Put me down as head nurse !!

[nicenewdusters]

"You will never win, so you have nothing to lose".

That's a brilliant way of putting it Ohfor. It's not like trying to balance scales. Just two extremes either side.

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all.
Messedup it really sounds as if your ex is baiting you by going to the same places that you went to, and making sure it's available for you to see. Could you stop looking on FB and then you don't have to know about it so much?

I know that's easier said than done. I spent ages cyber stalking my ex and his GF (aka OW). It hurt to see him and GF going to our places. I also felt devasted when I had phone calls about 'our' weekend away hotel booking and he hadn't bothered updating the contact number and was taking her away as his 'Mrs'. Then counselling showed me that I'd been living in a controlled 'box. Now I don't look on his social media sites.

Today I've been baited 3 times, mainly through messages through DD before school, I'm not replying. Trying to hold firm!

[Natsku]

One of the best things I did after leaving ex messedup was blocking him and all his family/friends on facebook so no my facebook was free of him (not that he was ever on it really but his family was)

[greencarbluecar]

messedup your post at 11:54 brought me to tears. I could have written it. It's so hurtful. These are people who have been a huge part of my life and have seen the way he's treated me. Not the true horror, of course, but enough to know he's not what he makes himself out to be.

Yet he is the one they're supporting, I'm ostracised. Not only are they excluding a person they've seen treated like dirt, they're supporting and encouraging him to suck in a poor new victim. How can they? I can't answer that but I know that if that's the kind of choice they make, I don't want them in my life.

It's not you, it's really not you. It is incredibly unfair though and it hurts.

[greencarbluecar]

dusters I've thought that about narc sterilisation too. I'll be your Chief Assistant.

[greencarbluecar]

dusters I've thought that about narc sterilisation too. I'll be your Chief Assistant.

[nicenewdusters]

Matron greencar : pass me the scissors and tubing please, no need for anaesthetic !!

[greencarbluecar]

Head Nurse dusters ready and waiting with the scalpel and no skill whatsoever...

[Froginapan]

I second Natsku's deft FB blocking move: it was the first thing I did

[FoofFighter]

It's so hurtful. These are people who have been a huge part of my life and have seen the way he's treated me. Not the true horror, of course, but enough to know he's not what he makes himself out to be.

Yet he is the one they're supporting, I'm ostracised. Not only are they excluding a person they've seen treated like dirt, they're supporting and encouraging him to suck in a poor new victim. How can they




THIS!!!!!!


Disgusted and disappointed with some of my so called friends behaviour, especially the couple who helped me move out to homeless hostel with dd then 18mo

[Mysecretgarden]

foofighter I can totally relate to that. It is easier for them to be in complete denial. Well and boys will be boys is the mainstream attitude, even towards DV

[SmellySphinx]

"He has just sent me the lyrics to Bastille's Bad Blood"

Haha this seems to be a trend with Narcs and an incredibly teenage thing to do - Go figure...

This is my Mini guide to begin to deal with these 'things' that somehow pass for a human. It's a bit mahoosive but yeah...add to if you feel like it!

Jekyl and Hyde.
That is what these 'things' are.
A while ago (if I could have bared the thought of looking at things face) I would have given 'it' the fucking dart board treatment.
Now, I do not give a crawling on its knees fuck (never mind a flying one) about what thing wants, thinks or 'feels'!

Do not in any circumstances let the thing talk to you on the phone - it's not worth the bother.
Don't bother with texts either.
Email for absolutely everything.
Calls only in an emergency and nothing more.
I would highly recommend buying a very cheap mobile or using an old one with a totally different sim card if you feel the need to communicate by text/call.
Name it the Twat mobile!

Don't let 'things' know about anything going on in your personal life. Nothing. Nothing whatsoever unless...UNLESS it is 100% necessary. They will want to use every tiny last detail against you in very hilarious, sarcastic ways, insidious and spiteful ways.
It's always outrageously funny when this happens...Oh the anecdotes they could tell

Do not let thing have the children in emergencies UNLESS, utterly, on pain of death, unavoidable.
Also, don't assume that the people they are seemingly charming will think they are charming...SOME will know or will soon find out what they are. Friends and family do stick up for 'things' and fail to see through 'things' utter bullshit even when it is staring them in the face. When it's glaringly obvious what is going on.

"Little Prince wouldn't do that surely?! What a horrible mother, what a horrible woman. No wonder you're having a hard time Little Prince. There, there. Let me reinforce your behaviour for you "

I agree with a PP that the majority seem to be well educated however... they are emotionally 'challenged' shall we say. Void even...usually. Very, very stupid and immature in a myriad of ways.

Imagine having to pretend to be something you're not to those around you? It's all a façade. We know what they are and they're most likely afraid of that fact - hence the anger, bile, bitterness, hatred, contempt the things have for us - I don't know if that's the case but it would explain a lot!

There is no point explaining.
Absolutely NO point in emotional involvement on your part to try and express why you think they are wrong.
Nada. Zero. Zilch.
Does not compute. - it does not work. EVER.
Where kids are involved. Make it about the kids plain and simple, nothing more nothing less. Keep any or all emotional rationalising to a minimum.

To the things, the kids exist as part of them not as individuals. They are to be molded, not to grow and flourish in their own right with their interests and their thoughts and feelings in mind. The things may appear to make it seem as if they are thinking about the childrens wants and needs - they are not! I have found they often try to get the children to do what THEY did and what THEY enjoyed therefore the extensions of their beings must surely enjoy them too, right?
Usually, wrong.
If I could make viable a business filtering out all the shite that is sent to victims of 'things' in order to pass on the necessary (think a whole page down to a sentence, cos that's usually the case ay?) I would be in here and now with anyone else willing to opt in to a start up.
Fuck it. I'll do it for free.

[SmellySphinx]

Apologies - That was looooong.

Much needed, probably lacking in sense and structure, but...much needed! Ha!

[Natsku]

My ex's parents helped me move out and find a new home after staying with them for 3 weeks, commiserated with me and agreed with me that he is messed up and then decided they'd support him anyway but at the same time as making me think they were supporting me. Fuckers.

Good guide Sphinx

[SmellySphinx]

Natsku - I wonder why your ex is like he is then
They are indeed fuckers and will no doubt done that to ensure you are indebted to them. Forever grateful. I sound cynical of the situation and quite bloody rightfully too I say.
That's twisted!

[greencarbluecar]

Oh foof you too it feels like such a betrayal. Another thing they've taken from us. I keep telling myself they're not worth it.

sphinx long but brilliant. Thank you.

"Little Prince wouldn't do that surely?! What a horrible mother, what a horrible woman. No wonder you're having a hard time Little Prince. There, there. Let me reinforce your behaviour for you urrrgghhh so familiar!

[greencarbluecar]

Natsku Jesus. At least your DD doesn't have much to do with them (think I've remembered that right?)

[Lilacpink40]

Sphinx can we combine your filtering business with duster and *natsku's" sterilisation business?

Do many women a favour and shame not to combine the advertising costs

[SmellySphinx]

Oh I am IN! I have no problem at all with slicing and dicing...unnecessary text messages...of course...