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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

954 replies

Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 18:14

Hope this works...

OP posts:
momv2 · 20/10/2016 20:31

Fcuktard X didn't telephone our DC last night then tonight telephones later than scheduled when DC is in the shower and emails to complain I stopped him from speaking to his DC. I'm going to stop responding to the crazy X's emails in future unless it's a life threatening emergency.

nicenewdusters · 20/10/2016 20:55

Sorry your ex is pushing things so far Natsku. Sounds like you and OH are well prepared though.

Bloody hell dung. That sentence about your ex's DF, I could have written most of that. No contact with his sibling. Didn't like his wife's sibling, so they were ignored. Her other sibling was tolerated. When that sibling died, they didn't agree with how her widowed husband (in his 80s) was conducting himself, so they made him feel so bad he stopped contacting them.

My ex genuinely thought if his parents felt this way, then it was ok that they'd ostracised an old man they'd known for over 50 years. He really couldn't see it. I found that unnerving.

mysinkingheart : you say your ex distrusted your family's kindness. I have never thought of it like that, distrust, but that's my ex completely. He used to wonder why I would do a favour for somebody I didn't know that well, or take time with someone where he couldn't see the point. I never thought of him as unkind, but altruism, just doing something because it seemed the right thing, I don't think he "got" that. But then his dad only did/does things that reflect well upon him. He's not a lift giver, or a lender, or someone you'd call at 2 am. He likes to run things, be in charge, but it's all reflected glory.

nicenewdusters · 20/10/2016 21:01

momv2 : that sounds like the only way forward. Nothing you say will be good enough, just more ammunition for him. If he doesn't call, or calls later, then he has to accept the consequences. You don't have to point out why his calls are not being answered. He knows why, he's called at the wrong time. Even if it was the right time your dc is allowed to go to the loo, be with a friend, be eating etc. Grey rock, don't engage, on repeat......

Goodgirl77 · 20/10/2016 21:08

Tips on how to calm down please when sbxh tells you at 8.30 at night he won't be back to take dc to an appointment tomo as agreed or for his weekend custody Saturday morning as he's actually planned 2 nights, not 1 night, away and did not want to say!!! Aargh!!!

dungandbother · 20/10/2016 21:16

Goodgirl
Can you plan around him? Surely you always have....
Your blood is boiling but actually you're not surprised. Perhaps disappointed in yourself for believing that he would have your back...?

He will never have your back. He delighted in the late message.
Now, take a log of the fact HE missed contact.

Go tickle the children. Feel better medicine!

Goodgirl77 · 20/10/2016 21:24

God so bloody true dungandbother! Thank you much needed!

nicenewdusters · 20/10/2016 21:29

Punch a pillow
Post on here
Rearrange
Breathe.......

He's a tosser, he's missing out on his dc. He can't get that time back, you can spend it with them instead.

Don't engage with him about what he's done. Ignore. Next time he asks a favour, "sorry, that doesn't work for me."

He's done a rubbish thing, and he's a coward for not telling you until now.

greencarbluecar · 20/10/2016 21:32

^everything dusters said. What a tosser.

Probably not the first time?

mysinkingheart · 20/10/2016 21:33

momv2 goodgirl really feel for you both..turning things around so it's your fault they're inconsistent and changing plans last minute it's so infuriating and unfair.
I don't think you'd be a normal human being if that didn't make you mad frankly. All I can say is 1/ kids end up realising it's the narc, not you, as people always do eventually, and 2 / they're better off spending more time with you anyway. So let them be crap, don't change custody dates "in exchange" for their cancelling (it's just to get some kicks from the anger they cause) but do note when you fill in for them, might be useful if ever you want full custody, above all don't show them that you're angry, they'll get bored with getting no rise out of you eventually, rant here or to a friend who gets it but never give him that satisfaction.

greencarbluecar · 20/10/2016 21:36

I'm feeling a bit...disturbed?

Reading this outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd

That list of traits. Ex has all of them.

FUCK FUCK FUCK I HAD DC WITH THAT MAN!!

Goodgirl77 · 20/10/2016 21:40

Yeap not the first time. And I'm really cross I just got into a tennis text match with him about it. Now I've calmed down thanks to you guys I realise I shouldn't have even engage and just rearranged and confirmed. Must learn!!

dungandbother · 20/10/2016 21:45

Cake for Goodgirl. Now make like your username! Cheer up and be a good girl. Move on, nothing to see here!

mysinkingheart · 20/10/2016 21:46

dusters yes sounds familiar, zero altruism in mine either.
He'd also let me take the rap for stuff he'd done that bothered neighbours, friends etc "sinking forgot to tell me"..I'd be too gobsmacked to defend myself Angry. Not anymore though and clarifying things as I go a long and in the calmest possible way has been liberating. Don't feel bad about it, he can't and won't take responsibility for his mistakes but at least I'm a better friend to myself now and don't let his dark shit spoil my relationships anymore.

dungandbother · 20/10/2016 21:50

Greencar
Thing is, you're only mad at yourself for having kids with him because he has manipulated you into thinking that you should be mad at yourself.

Go back and have another think.... you're probably not cross/mad/fed up at all. He just makes it thus.

greencarbluecar · 20/10/2016 21:50

Goodgirl why am I not surprised he's done it before?!

But yes, easier said than done but best not to let him know it's getting to you. Do not feed the narc

nicenewdusters · 20/10/2016 21:50

So hard not to engage goodgirl. I know it's the answer but I still have the occasional to and fro via text. I like to try and out pompous him !!

Am going to read that link greencar.

mysinkingheart · 20/10/2016 21:50

Have another slice from me goodgirl!Cake
Totally agree with you dung, move along don't give him another thought, doesn't deserve your energy.
It gets easier and more automatic once you give up hope they'll change (they can't without wanting too and even then years of therapy ate no guarantee). See it as pest control Grin

dungandbother · 20/10/2016 21:52

pest control Grin #bestlineever

mysinkingheart · 20/10/2016 21:52

Outofthefog is so good, like getting the right armour at last!

greencarbluecar · 20/10/2016 21:55

dung spot on. I often catch myself thinking I'm wrong/shit/useless/to blame/dysfunctional (you get the picture) but I stop and tell myself, no, that's what he's always wanted you to think.

So not mad. Just worried for the future. I swing between accepting, terrified and an almost empty horror at the thought of years of this crap to come.

At least I know I'm not alone and it's him not me. Dread to think how it was before the internet allowed us all to share.

greencarbluecar · 20/10/2016 21:58

dusters brace yourself. I was reading through my fingers by the end of it!

Next step, when I can face it, is to read the details for each trait. Will arm myself with tea, cake and Queen and the sledgehammer

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 20/10/2016 21:59

Sinking and dusters your posts that relate to ex's having problems in family and not understanding altruism relate to my experience too. Furthermore, I had a shocking moment in counselling when I talked about "why doesn't my ex feel guilty?" And my counsellor said "perhaps he can't feel guilt". So perhaps many of these narcs are sociopaths and cannot really understand emotions?

They want something their way, i.e. when they see DCs, why shouldn't they have it their way as no one else matters? DCs see reality so ex will not ultimately benefit

OP posts:
dungandbother · 20/10/2016 22:04

Thank goodness for our little club on the internet. It's like a weird reverse antenatal thread

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 20/10/2016 22:04

Pestcontrol liquid for narcs - can I order 5 vats please? off to dig out moat and will need serious equipment to get through pavement, but be worth it

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 20/10/2016 22:06

Interesting link greencar, have read a couple of similar things on MN. I can see why that's unnerved you. It also describes my ex's father perfectly. My ex only has a few traits, most only in evidence since we split.

My previous ex, he was properly unnerving for me. I still don't know what he was, a sociopath maybe. Never physically violent, but deeply disturbed. It is scary to think we lived with these men.