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Relationships
support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2
954 replies
Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 18:14
OP posts:
Ohb0llocks ·
09/11/2016 18:09
I meant the baby situation dusters 
But I see what you mean. I've told him he can speak to DS on the phone later.
DS hasn't been responding well, he is only little. I've tried to mention daddy a few times but he keeps saying not got one just a best friend (DP) and storming off l.
nicenewdusters ·
09/11/2016 17:48
It's horrible Ohb that your ex's reappearance is making you put your future plans on hold. But you're doing the right thing, not rushing into letting him have his way.
Lilac D'you want to do thread 3, as you have demonstrated good thread starting and linking skills ? 
I'll just turn around so you can pat me on the back.....the deed is done ! I posted the note into Mr H J's letter box earlier on 
I am feeling sick with anticipation that he may call tonight. I suggested meeting up tomorrow afternoon so suspect that he will. What have I done ?!?
Ohb0llocks ·
09/11/2016 16:15
It's so upsetting I feel like my life is on hold. DP and I were considering starting trying for a baby, and obviously now we've had to put that on hold. Don't want DS to think that now he's potentially going to have a relationship with his dad that I'm replacing him. 
Lilacpink40 ·
09/11/2016 16:01
Ohb so he's desperate to see a son that he's desperate not to support 
. As dusters has pointed out you can let him hang himself, or at least tie himself in knots in court, trying to explain that one!
I carried this thread on, but happy if anyone starts next one on (didn't start originally but find v useful to know I'm not alone).
OP posts:
nicenewdusters ·
09/11/2016 11:10
Bloody hell Contrary your ex in laws could give mine a run for their money any day! Mine would have taken dc to hospital/GP, but mainly because they're all hypochondriacs and love a drama. They could then also spend the rest of the day running down the NHS, despite the fact it's saved their lives on several occasions, but hey, why worry about details
As for Mrs X. They sound like a match made in heaven! It must give you some comfort (I know it would me) to see that he's formed another unstable relationship.
I think it's admirable that you've allowed your ds to build a relationship with the other side of his family. I don't know if I could have been so generous. Luckily I'm nc with the lot of them, so it's only through my ex. He's pretty much down to xmas and birthdays and duty visits now. The dc are content to go there, and my ds often does a wicked impression of his gf - think a miserable, pompous version of Davros from the Daleks!
contrary13 ·
09/11/2016 08:15
dusters - with regards to Mrs X, over the years as I've gotten to know her, it's become pretty clear that she married him to stay in this country. Then again, she's also told me that he only agreed to marry her because she threatened to take their then only months old DD out of this country and he'd never see her again (which, if that had happened, he wouldn't have - he's never shown the slightest inclination to make any sort of effort towards maintaining contact with any child whose mother walked away from him). Mrs X wanted to be 'Mrs [X]', so she was prepared to put up with a lot.
Although she did also seek my advice on how to deal with X's parents, when her DD was about 18 months old. They were undermining her constantly as her child's mother, and she didn't like it... but she didn't know how to stand up to them (she grew up in a culture where you respect your elders completely). I remember telling her that she had to remember that she was her child's mother, not X's mother - and that a firm "please don't ever talk to me like that again" worked wonders. X's parents and I've had our share of run-ins over the years (I've known X since we were 11), but they worked out very quickly that I'll only be pushed so far... then I dig my heels in and become an immoveable force. Mrs X is more compliant than I have ever been, so... yeah; it's possible that she's turning a blind eye to X's dismal treatment of my DC.
The only reason I have ever facilitated a relationship between DS and his father's family is because DS wants (possibly wanted, now) there to be one. X has no PR, his name isn't on DS' birth certificate, and we have no court order. He also doesn't pay any maintenance whatsoever. DS knows that if he doesn't want to see his father/extended family then... I'm going to support him in that choice. Just as I support him in seeing them, for as long as he wants to. But really, none of them are particularly nice people. DS' grandparents injured him very badly a few years ago and didn't even attempt to (a) seek medical help for him, or (b) contact me so that I could do so. They returned him to me, blood still dripping from his forehead, several hours later, and then couldn't understand why I spectacularly lost my shit at/with them (not in front of DS, I hasten to add, as my DD - who is trained in first aid - had hurried him inside to clean him up). DS ended up in hospital as a result of their negligence and they didn't see him for almost two months. But that brought home to me one thing - X is very like his father, and Mrs X is very like his mother.
I wasn't "good enough" for X, in their eyes, because of DD - or so they said. Now, in hindsight, I wonder if it's because they knew I wasn't frightened of them and have always been more than happy to stand up to their bullying ways. Their two sons married women from other cultures, where the husband and his parents expect to be respected before the wife/her parents, whilst their daughter married a man who waves so many red flags that he might as well be a signalman. Even the next generation are being trained to be like this - my DS' youngest sibling, a boy, is treated as though he's a little king... and often at the expense of his older sister (who really is a sweetheart, and she genuinely adores my DC). It's the same with their cousins. It makes me feel very sad and incredibly worried for them, though. Because they're teaching their daughters that they're worth less than their brothers are.
I've always raised both of my DC to know that - as long as they do their very best - they can both conquer the world. As I said before, my DD has quite serious MH issues - and I've wondered for years if part of it stems from not only X's rejection of her, but also her own biological "father"'s (to the best of my knowledge, he's not set eyes on her since she was a newborn). Then again, the man she calls "Dad" and the man who helped actually create her are both absolute tossers. I'm absolutely determined that my DS won't be, if I have any say in the matter!
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PurpleThursday ·
09/11/2016 00:35
I need some of your strength friends. I will post more at a later date but right now I REALLY, really need some of your anti-Narc, stay strong and focussed, positive support. 
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