Kicked him out this morning. Hand hold please.

[EndOfLongTether]

Long term poster (from before the Moldies saga) namechanged because there are friends on here who know my regular NN.

DH has been drinking in binges for a very long time. I suffered it for years and tried to keep a normal facade for the benefit of DC, but now the oldest understands what is going on. After last night when he showed up drunk, aggressed her, then banged the door and went out without a word, she said "Mummy, I don't feel good in this house anymore. I never know if he will come home like this in the evening" He stumbled home at 5 AM.

I woke him up earlier and told him to pack a bag and leave. He was still laughing and said I was exaggerating, it was all a bit of fun. It's not fun at all for me & DC. He left. I don't know if he took a bag.

I'm feeling wobbly.

I don't think we are at the 'don't love each other anymore and can't stay married' stage just yet. There can be a way back from this but he has to find it on his own.

That sounds like a good book to read if/when that time comes, though. Thank you.

I'm a sober alcoholic. AA helped me when I was utterly, utterly desperate...I know it's counter-intuitive but no alcoholic is helped by people 'normalising things around them. We have to feel the true consequences of our actions.

That aside, I was brought up in an alcoholic home and my Mum wouldn't leave my Dad. It was awful. It did damage to my brother and I that is very, very hard to repair as an adult, although I'm giving this my best shot. Don't let your children go through what I did. Alcoholics are destructive, utterly selfish and will not be a wholesome influence in your children's lives.

Al-anon is a good suggestion to help yourself detach with love.

I missed a bit of your message - yes AA might possibly meet one-on-two (we don't go on our own ever if possible because drinking alcoholics are so unpredictable and tricky) but if he's really engaged with the programme he'll be going to meetings, and probably lots of them.

I looked up "detaching with love". It sounds like just not worrying about that person anymore and leaving them to do what they will.

There probably isn't an alternative anyway, but it is hard when it's the father of your children.

It's absolutely bloody awful for you. And the detach with love thing probably sounds trite. Al anon might still be very helpful for you - for support for you, separate from what DH does to help himself.

Al-anon won't advocate any course of action, by the way. You decide what, if anything, you do.

He texted yesterday to say he wanted to see the kids. I said we could meet him (outside) for dinner and I could also bring his laptop etc if he wishes. He replied "no thanks" and we didn't meet.

Do either he wants to see just the children (not me) or doesn't want to admit that this isn't just for a couple of days by taking his stuff from home.

Wow. So his only wish to see the children was to get his feet back under the table at home again, knowing how much harder it would be for you to push him back out a second time.

I wouldn't try and contact him again for a while. Let him stew. I don't think anyone on this thread would have turned down an opportunity to see our children after being apart for several days. It shows you where his priorities lie.

Can I just add my support & say well done for standing up for your DCs & yourself. I wish my mum had done as much when I was a child. My dad was never a falling-down drunk but he was undoubtedly an alcoholic for most of my lifetime. I remember one holiday, he was trying to get me & my sister, who is 2 years younger, to drink a glass of cider while my mum made dinner in silence. I was 5.

I wish she'd stood up to him many years ago. He nearly bankrupted us all & we were nearly homeless, he used to slap me when I got in his way when he wanted a drink, once he knocked me out (I've never told my mum or sister this). He had a major brain haemorrhage several years ago due to the alcohol abuse, & now has brain damage & is disabled. They are separated. He still drinks. I don't really see him & don't really care. Sounds cold but I suppose that's how I deal with it. I also have low self esteem & general low level MH issues which I suspect arose partly from the toxic environment I grew up in. I wonder sometimes if my mum had done something early on, if she could have saved him too. I hope your DH is able to turn things around.

Holding hands for you.

He absolutely is just trying to get you to let him back in, same as you've done before. Because this is the pattern - he drinks, he behaves like shit, you throw him out, you still love him and worry about him, he realises that he has to say something to appease you so he promises to be good. You let him back, he stays "good" for about 3 days before he starts to slip - could take a few more before he gets properly drunk again - and then you're back in the cycle.

How old are your DC?

I agree with all the posters who are saying that you cannot trust him at all if you let him back in. The only way to get a different outcome is to do something different this time - and if that means hardening your heart and keeping him out, then that's what you have to do.

MAKE it hard for him. It's MEANT to be hard for him, so he can realise what he's doing to himself, to his family. All the while you attempt to "ease his path", all you're doing is allowing his self-delusional belief that his drinking is "ok really" to persist. It's not.

Good luck - sucky situation - but stay strong. Your DC will thank you for it, if not now, then later.

Every word of your post is true, Thumb

That is exactly what happened so far and it is exactly what must happen now. This is it. I can't give in and I can't go back to how things have been for a long time.

Yesterday was DD's birthday party. I had told him (in a text, so it's written down) when/where it was but he didn't call or show up. Normally, I would have called and texted multiple times to remind him of such events but yesterday I didn't and no doubt he forgot.

On our way back, I got his text saying "Please allow DC to call me". Of course they are "allowed" but had not expressed a wish to call him. DD has a phone. They both know his number. How would I stop them from calling him, even if I wanted to?

Not turning up to his DD's birthday party was a truly shitty thing to do.

I'd imagine DD might be keener to speak to him on the phone if (a) he hadn't just done that and (b) he hadn't just called her a cunt. Funny how that works out.

I'd be pretty confident he's drinking again, and that's why he didn't show up.

As a daughter of an alcoholic father i have to tell you OP you are doing brilliantly.

You have had lots of good advice on this thread which I won't attempt to add to.

I didn't spend much time around my dad growing up, but when I was a young adult I was able to accept him as he was if that makes sense? I had really good times with him as an adult, and I absolutely loved him. However, he was never a good father because the drink always came first.

Don't be too hurt by him making drink a priority over you and DC. It's him, not you, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it other than keeping on doing what you are doing and make a happy life for yourself and the DC.

Thankfully, DD doesn't know the word "cunt" and that particular instance of awfulness has passed over her head.

I told her to call him last night and she did, then briefly passed the phone to her younger sibling. Neither seem traumatized by recent events & his absence.

I wonder what we should do today. It's so nice to be relaxed at home that we might just stay in & watch a movie.

Thank you Lego & bluebeck Your posts strengthen my resolve to keep going for my DC. I will do whatever it takes to stop this toxic environment they have been living in.

That sounds like a lovely way to spend the day! You're doing so well EndOf

Not trying too hard to mend things then, is he, if he didn't bother with your DD's party :(

He's still feeling all self-righteous and punishing towards you and your DC - as though you're in the wrong. Of course you're not! God, that makes me so on your behalf, that he's actively punishing his DD because she got upset over his appalling behaviour :(

Your day sounds lovely and calm and relaxing - hope that it's something you can all get used to! for you - you're really doing very well, just keep going on this path of non-appeasement, it's the right one. xx

Yes, thank you, we had a lovely day chilling at home

He has apparently decided that the Sinclair Method is best for him along with a psychologist and now thinks he should come home. Err. Without having started anything at all. Just decided on a method

I looked up this method. It involves the alcoholic continuing to drink while taking a medication. It works "in the long term" apparently.

I told him that he needs to dry out away from us.

Well done, you are doing so well. Stay strong.

I wish you a restful evening and a calm week ahead.

I'd not heard of the Sinclair Method, so I've looked it up. Gosh, I can see why a drunk might like the idea of drinking himself sober

OP you sound like a fantastic mother. Well done for having the strength to kick him out, you are definitely doing the right thing.

I truly hope your husband comes to his senses and starts to want to stop drinking, if doesn't sound like he is there yet. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of getting back together/ letting him live in the house again until you see some proper steps to change himself. That may never happen.

All you can do is look after yourself and your children. The rest is up to him.

Stay strong xx

Thank you, all of you

I'm just that 6 day later he still hasn't come to a firm decision to quit drinking and hasn't mentioned anything about AA. I doubt if he has been.

It would have been good to get something other than vague aspirations at some "method" that involves taking a pill before he drinks some more, FFS.

I've never heard of this Sinclair Method. I'm not an AAer but I know categorically that would not have enabled me to become sober or drink moderately. Perhaps it will work for him, but it is a long term treatment and therefore it will be a long time before you will know if it is 'working'.

Beyond that, I don't get why anyone with an alcohol problem would want to drink. I would like to be able to enjoy a nice glass of wine with a meal in a restaurant, that's basically the only 'normal' urge I have about alcohol now. But in reality I would hate it, wondering WTF would happen once I had drunk it. There is no need for anyone to drink, full stop. Most of the world's population do not. Of course I have no issue with regular people drinking, although I dislike how ingrained alcohol is in our culture. But why not stop if you have a problem with alcohol? It's the only logical course of action. Of course addict's logic is an entirely different thing, but he wants to present this as being a rational choice made for positive reasons. Like you, OP, I just see it as an excuse to carry on boozing.

The lack of remorse is the startling thing. He seems to feel he is genuinely entitled to behave in that way.

Wow - well that just shows you then, doesn't it - the alcohol is still more important to him than his family. He's not going to let go of it willingly, and he just expects you to put up with it.

Well done for telling him where he can stick that idea.

I've never heard of this method either (no reason why I should have, to be fair) but it does sound like a bit of a cop-out and if taking the pill prior to drinking has deleterious effects on wellbeing, then I can well see said alcoholics failing to take their pill but carrying on with the drinking!

No no. YOu are absolutely right, he needs to do the job properly and he cannot be at home with you all while he's doing it. Stay strong - you are right.