Kicked him out this morning. Hand hold please.

[EndOfLongTether]

Long term poster (from before the Moldies saga) namechanged because there are friends on here who know my regular NN.

DH has been drinking in binges for a very long time. I suffered it for years and tried to keep a normal facade for the benefit of DC, but now the oldest understands what is going on. After last night when he showed up drunk, aggressed her, then banged the door and went out without a word, she said "Mummy, I don't feel good in this house anymore. I never know if he will come home like this in the evening" He stumbled home at 5 AM.

I woke him up earlier and told him to pack a bag and leave. He was still laughing and said I was exaggerating, it was all a bit of fun. It's not fun at all for me & DC. He left. I don't know if he took a bag.

I'm feeling wobbly.

[Ifounddory]

Often if the person is in denial the only thing which works is them loosing everything.

If he is serious about your family the very best thing for him to do is stay away and get sober. You can't force that upon him. All you can do is say you need to leave because your drinking is making you behave in an unacceptable manner.

Drying out is NOT pretty and should be done away from kids. Depending on the level of his alcoholism it may even need to be done in a hospital.

All you can do is protect yourself and your DC and let him make the choice.

[ohforfoxsake]

Going to couples counselling, Relate or whatever, isn't necessarily about saving a marriage. It can also be about giving clarity as to why and how to leave one.

I'm not a huge fan, having had mixed experiences. One time a counsellor told me 'if you know how to fix it, you should.' Bearing in mind XH has zero emotional intelligence, it wasn't the best advice I could have been given.

When I ended my marriage a couple of years later I had telephone session. It was hugely helpful. Saying it all outloud, hearing myself, just told me I was right.

Also do consider if this is how you want your children to understand that this is how adult relationships work. This was a massive factor in getting out for me.

Mumsnet was a massive support to me at the time.

[ohforfoxsake]

Go to couples counselling on your own, make an appointment, talk it though. Don't involve him.

[EndOfLongTether]

"Saying it all outloud, hearing myself, just told me I was right."

Yes, this thread is helping me in the same way. Just saying these things to all of you makes me see how unacceptable they are. I knew already, of course, but maybe held out hope or didn't feel the urgency. Until DD said those words last night.

[EndOfLongTether]

OK so no couples counselling, he needs to sort himself out before all that. Thank you for your advice

[DeputyPecksBentBeak]

I hope the rest of your day has been better

[EvansAndThePrince]

You've done the right thing theend, and despite feeling awful for the children now, you'd feel worse in 20 years time when they're adults and tell you how awful it was to live with him if you hadn't done this.

With respect to him trying to come home...he will. You need to try and have a plan in place for when he does to avoid it getting messy.

[EvansAndThePrince]

That wasn't supposed to come out as cold as it looks, sorry

[EndOfLongTether]

Cold is good. Thank you, that helped. I think they will understand and appreciate in 20 years. I just dread the near term.

[EndOfLongTether]

Well, he didn't come, call or text so far. Complete radio silence, possibly out on a bender.

I just hope he doesn't "forget" he is kicked out and come back here at 5 AM.

[EvansAndThePrince]

You've got through the first evening, well done. Will check in in the morning hoping that he hasn't done exactly that! Stay strong and try and sleep a little.

[EndOfLongTether]

Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it.

I locked the door and left the key in it, so he won't be able to open it if he comes.

But I realized that he has left his laptop and reading glasses here, which means he didn't plan to be gone for long

[FlabulousChic]

Your eldest is at an age where they don't need this kind of stress it isn't fair they will have GCSEs to contend with soon. A child shouldn't live on eggshells you have a choice your children don't. It's down to you to resolve that. Id not let him back until he had been sober six months

[BlueFolly]

He thinks you're bluffing.

[tipsytrifle]

He absolutely intends to return as if nothing untoward has happened. I know it's kind of in a rush but if you mean this to be over then you need to make it clear to him that this wasn't a whimsical lock-out, it was a curtain call. Change the locks if there are no legal barriers to this action.You've left the key in the door - have you turned it sideways so it can't be pushed out to make way for his? As BlueFolly said - up to now he thinks this is a bluff.

[Bogeyface]

If he turns up in a state then you can legitimately call the police and ask for him to be removed. You could get a bag packed ready for him to take with him, complete with laptop and glasses so there is no need for him to come him. His behaviour will be enough for them to remove him.

[Creampastry]

He's not a good father. Do not even entertain the couples counselling idea. He needs to stay sober and attend AA. Be strong and keep him out.

[iamEarthymama]

I have been struggling with anxiety in the last couple of years and had some talking therapy. I was in shock when the therapist suggested that feelings of inadequacy, lack of self confidence etc were typical of Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My father died when I was in my early 20s and I had dealt with none of my feelings in the several decades since.

So, please, yes, do what you need to do in order to protect your children and yourself. You are doing the right thing, I wish you good luck.

Oh and don't be ashamed, don't let the children be ashamed, this is your husband's alcoholism, not yours or theirs. Talk to them and let them talk to you.

[ohforfoxsake]

Just checking in Endof. Hope you got some sleep and he didn't come home.

Dont facilitate this family life - its not fair and you know its not right. You seem like an intelligent and emotionally intelligent woman. It will hurt your children more to know that you knew and did nothing.

Be brave.

[EndOfLongTether]

Thank you everyone

He didn't come or call. I woke up a few times thinking he might have, but that's just a habit born out of bad experience, I guess.

Yes, this can't go on and I have to stay strong for the children.

When to start telling people? Or is it best to let him sort it out in private, without losing face to his friends & colleagues, if there is a chance of that happening?

[EndOfLongTether]

Earthy - Thank you, I needed to hear that. I am very sorry for all you have gone through and how it is affecting you even now. I hope you can find a way to put it all behind you

[ohforfoxsake]

When you start to tell people you have separated it becomes real, an actual fact.

They will ask why - and I think its perfectly reasonable to say he is drinking too much. You don't need to go into detail.

Could it be time to take some practical steps? a solicitor, have a look on entitledto.com, start thinking about how you spend your money and do a budget, get your paperwork together. IME it helped to give clarity, take some of the fear away and was a positive, productive step forward in taking control of the situation.

[EndOfLongTether]

I know. That is why I'm wondering if it would be better to keep quiet for the time being, so he can sort himself out in private if possible.

He called this afternoon and said "I decided to quit drinking, can't stay away from you & DC" in acute singsong voice. I told him to get sober & stay sober, then we'll talk.

Give me strength

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done OP.
He needs to be sober for a good few months before you can discuss this.
He needs to do this himself, for himself, on his own.
I doubt he will though.