Kicked him out this morning. Hand hold please.

[EndOfLongTether]

Long term poster (from before the Moldies saga) namechanged because there are friends on here who know my regular NN.

DH has been drinking in binges for a very long time. I suffered it for years and tried to keep a normal facade for the benefit of DC, but now the oldest understands what is going on. After last night when he showed up drunk, aggressed her, then banged the door and went out without a word, she said "Mummy, I don't feel good in this house anymore. I never know if he will come home like this in the evening" He stumbled home at 5 AM.

I woke him up earlier and told him to pack a bag and leave. He was still laughing and said I was exaggerating, it was all a bit of fun. It's not fun at all for me & DC. He left. I don't know if he took a bag.

I'm feeling wobbly.

[EndOfLongTether]

I have not sought legal advice today but had in the past. Back then, I worried that if we separated I would not be able to prevent him from driving DC around while drunk. I also couldn't bear the thought of him having them at his place without me as buffer when he is drunk.

Now that DC are older, it may work better. At least they can call me or come to mine on their own if he passes out before preparing their meal.

[EndOfLongTether]

Thank you for that insight lightcola. It helps to read stories like yours, to know that I am doing the right thing although the future looks tough and scary now.

[badtasteflump]

End if he has a drink problem you have a strong case for insisting he ^doesn't* drive your DC anywhere at all.

If you don't think they will be safe in his sole charge you have every right to go for supervised contact, or to stipulate in a Contact Order that he doesn't drive them anywhere if you do allow unsupervised contact.

You do need to get some legal advice

[skyyequake]

Endof if you are worried about your children's welfare because of his drinking then you can apply to have supervised access through the courts.

[EndOfLongTether]

Supervised access would be detrimental to their relationship. He wouldn't be able to have them overnight and I don't know who could supervise his visits as we don't have any family here.

I was told that stipulating "he can't drive DC anywhere" in Contact Order would be impossible to enforce so would be worthless.

[EndOfLongTether]

Best would be for him to remain sober on the day/night he has them over but how to guarantee that?

I have tried booking him a doctor's visit (he didn't go), insisting on AA (he went to one session). The last time I kicked him out, he was back after 1 week saying he was very sorry and would change. He didn't.

[skyyequake]

Him crashing the car with them in it would be detrimental to their lives Endof.

Supervised access can be done through a contact centre and can always be moved to unsupervised should he sort out his drinking...

[Morporkia]

I expect you are feeling shaky as hell Endof but the important factor is that you have taken action. You are showing him that you have indeed, reached the end of what sounds like a very long tether! + {{holding your virtual hand}}

[EndOfLongTether]

I know that, sky It is why I have stayed in this marriage for so long, to be there for them when I hear on the phone that he has been drinking.

No such thing as contact centres where we live.

[ohforfoxsake]

But he isn't a good man and a doting father is he? Because he is presumably sober when he makes the decision to have that first drink of the day?

[skyyequake]

How old are your DC?

It sucks that there aren't any contact centres... I would get some legal advice on what you can do to safeguard your DC from his drunken behaviour. Till then I would say no to overnights as if they needed to get out quickly it wouldn't be very safe if it were, say, 2am.

[badtasteflump]

If there is no such thing as a Contact Centre where you live, and you are not happy with unsupervised contact, the onus is on him to provide a solution you are happy with, ie a family member you can trust, etc. You don't just have to take the risk.

There are lots of stipulations in Contact Orders that are 'unenforceable' if the other parent decides to flout them; the point is it sends them a clear message about what is expected of them. They will also be advised that if they go against the Contact Order you will have every right to stop contact completely and he would have to take you back to court - and would probably be given more restrictions and less contact.

TBH I would find another solicitor - it doesn't sound like you were given the best advice.

[EndOfLongTether]

You are right, ohforfox. Of course he is sober when he decides to take the piss have that first drink.

It's good for me to hear these from others. I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone.

[EndOfLongTether]

One DC is in primary school. The other is in secondary.

[badtasteflump]

Meant to say - Rights of Women or Womens Aid can provide details of solicitors who can help in cases of domestic abuse (and clearly he has been abusive).

[badtasteflump]

Just remember, this is hard and this is scary, but you can take steps to make sure he only sees your DC in a safe environment

[EndOfLongTether]

Yes, thank you badtaste

[ohforfoxsake]

Endof, ending a marriage isn't that hard - in a practical sense. Find a solicitor you feel comfortable with (you'll get a free half hour with as many as you feel you want to meet). Perhaps consider mediation as well to iron out the practicalities, I found it really helpful to hammer out the details of the court order.

He will always be a parent to your children, you aren't taking him away from them. He is making his choices. Remember that.

The difficult bit is done.

Take baby steps, plan and look ahead. It may look scary from where you are standing - felt to me that I was at the foot of a mountain and it was a long way to the top. But when you get there, the view is amazing.

And it may be that all of this makes him change the choices he makes, and he might be that good man you see once again. Who knows? That is the only part of the whole thing that is out of your control.

[EndOfLongTether]

ohforfox - Thank you, yes, you are right. The scary part is the ugliness that will no doubt follow. I am so sorry for the DC

[EndOfLongTether]

Has anyone tried couples' counselling?

Do you know of anyone who has managed to significantly change themselves & their marriage as a result of such therapy?

[skyyequake]

Its not advised in cases of abuse, even if that abuse is "only" when the partner is drunk.

I doubt couples counselling would help unless he was also getting/had successful professional help with his alcoholism...

[EndOfLongTether]

The thing is he doesn't talk to me about his drinking and doesn't want to listen how it's damaging this family.

I was thinking he would have to face it and talk at couples counselling.

[Costacoffeeplease]

No don't go to couples counselling, any change has to come from him, because he wants to change

If you're concerned about his reaction should he try to get in when you've changed the locks, get some advice from the police, maybe they can put a marker on your address so they will attend quickly if he kicks off

You have to protect your children and yourself now, what he does, where he goes etc are purely for him to deal with

[hellsbellsmelons]

Totally agree with sky
Unless he is willing to admit his alcohol problem couples counselling won't work as he's abusive when drunk.
Never have joint counselling with an abuser.

[DeputyPecksBentBeak]

Even if he acknowledges he has a problem and promises to work on it, he needs to do that by himself, away from you and your dc. To protect you all, and stop what happened last time of him promising to change and never doing it.

If he does sort himself out maybe the door can be slowly opened on working to get back together. But not before then. The problem is his, not yours