Kicked him out this morning. Hand hold please.

[EndOfLongTether]

Long term poster (from before the Moldies saga) namechanged because there are friends on here who know my regular NN.

DH has been drinking in binges for a very long time. I suffered it for years and tried to keep a normal facade for the benefit of DC, but now the oldest understands what is going on. After last night when he showed up drunk, aggressed her, then banged the door and went out without a word, she said "Mummy, I don't feel good in this house anymore. I never know if he will come home like this in the evening" He stumbled home at 5 AM.

I woke him up earlier and told him to pack a bag and leave. He was still laughing and said I was exaggerating, it was all a bit of fun. It's not fun at all for me & DC. He left. I don't know if he took a bag.

I'm feeling wobbly.

[tipsytrifle]

The mindframe he seems to be in atm is that you'll be ok with his "plans" and "methods". He's in control of the issue that's bothering you and so all is cool, he has a "handle" on it, all's ok so no problemo, back home what ho? He must think you're daft, soft or so blissfully unaware of this being a huge major issue (lifestyle really) that you'll believe anything because, well, you can't live without him. He knows you still care (love? do you?) and is exploiting this. His mindframe is warped atm by figuring out how he can have both - you and booze. And maybe the dc as add-ons.

Not showing for her birthday with presents and all, well - that's appalling. Not taking part in planning anything for her birthday. Ditto. He's looking out for himself and wants his cushioned comfortable life back. He also wants to drink. Keep your clarity and remember how he behaves when he's drunk.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I googled it, and it can be available on the NHS, provided the patient meets certain criteria. The NICE guidelines were published in Nov 2014 and said the treatment would become available within 3 months from then. Sounds weird (though NICE's recommendations are evidence based), as it involves taking a pill an hour before drinking - and then drinking. You don't wait for cravings or anything. You do need specialist guidance.

I for one would not want to share a house with anyone undertaking it.

[Bogeyface]

Wow quitting drinking while still being able to pour booze down his throat? I cant imagine why he chose that method, which is unlikely to work btw as in order to quit one must really want to, and he clearly doesnt.

Keep the faith, you are doing the right thing. Sadly he cant see that his behaviour, far from convincing you to take him back, is confirming that he should stay the fuck away.

[tipsytrifle]

Is this treatment the one where a pill makes the person vomit if they try to drink their usual amount? I'm thinking he expects OP to clean carpets and walls for the forseeable future as he tries to find ways to cheat the medication and get fully drunk. But I could be misremembering. It really would be better if he committed to doing something about his drinking while living elsewhere EndOfTether. He is dependent on you - to sort out/support his mess, in every way. But even more he is dependent on the booze.

Maybe I'm just gobsmacked because he's trying to get home without a single thought or awareness of how his behaviour has affected you and the dc. Has he even offered explanation/description of how this treatment (and all its ramifications regarding work etc) might affect him in your home environment? That you would be his carer and he might be even more off the rails? Or that he is even eligible for it?

[Bogeyface]

Tipsy no, thats Antabuse which basically gives you the hangover from hell if you have any alcohol, so vomitting, headache etc. It stops the body producing the chemicals it needs to process alcohol, so you get the full force of the poison.

What he is talking about is a "treatment" ("" because I have read about it and am very sceptical about it) whereby a pill is taken an hour or so before the addict starts drinking. They dont get the hit, for want of a better word, from the booze, so eventually they stop drinking as they get nothing from it. It relies on the addict taking the pill and from them not boozing because they dont get the high. It is available on the NHS but for the life of me I cannot think why!

[EndOfLongTether]

Odd, isn't it? So, Master will continue to drink as he pleases, get drunk as he does but will not get as much pleasure out of it, so that's OK

[tipsytrifle]

Thanks, Bogeyface. I'm even more wtf now ... like, wouldn't someone just keep on drinking in an effort to get the high?

[Bogeyface]

It doesnt make any sense at all to me although him wanting to go down that road does make sense, he can claim that he is getting treatment whilst at the same time still drinking. And of course, unless the pill taking is overseen by a doctor (unlikely and impractical) before he drinks, would anyone care to bet how often he will "forget"?

Hopefully he will not be deemed suitable. Although from reading about the treatment I cannot for the life of me see how any alcoholic would be deemed suitable!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Unless it was carried out in a supervised clinic setting, like a drying out clinic but with a difference, I can't see it either, Bogey.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

Hi OP,

I just picked up this post today, don't know why I didn't see it sooner, but I'm like DH, a little bit.

My marriage broke up 8 weeks ago. They day after I made an appt with a local treatment centre, and they couldn't take me for three weeks. The next week I went to AA - making the admission to yourself, never mind a room of strangers can be extremely difficult.

At time of writing I haven't had a drink in 7 weeks, still a long road to go but I've started.

The difference in your situation and my situation is my wife is saying that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back.....but I'm still not drinking as it's the kick up the arse I needed to see what is/was going on.

I'm not sticking up for dh but he is dealing with an illness, and most likely one he doesn't/didn't ask for or want - he may like me have tried to give up a number of times in his own, but not have been successful - this however does not excuse his behaviour.

His current method of stopping drinking will not work, the only thing that will stop him drinking is the fact that he doesn't lift the first drink. As an alcoholic he will be crafty cunning and a master manipulator- the only way to make sure he isn't is by him being sober.

I would keep him out until he proves himself and gets his head sorted out.

Having stopped drinking I have looked at the marriage I had - and although I was desperate for it to be sorted before I am of the opinion that DW has issues that also need addressed before we could even consider reconciliation- don't get me wrong I still know I have issues to continue to work on. Without both of us working on issues we would just fall straight back into the same issues and same problems. Sobriety is the only thing I am selfish about now.

I think seeing the way your kids come back from contact will be a great way to judge if he has stopped drinking or not. Ds cannot wait to see me fir contact now that I have stopped drinking.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Any news, Endof? Any advance on "I can come home and keep drinking if I follow this largely unheard of "method" of recovery"?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

hi userformallyknownas - that's great that you've managed 7w without a drink now - hope you get to see your DS very soon

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

Hi Thumbwitches, I have read the post and think the line about DS sounds a bit ambiguous, I see DS on a regular basis, what I mean is that he looks forward to coming to see me - he would have been ambivalent when I was still drinking.

[Ledkr]

That's not how you use that drug fgs!! It's to deter relapses not allow you to carry on drinking!
He obviously has no intention of stopping.

[R3ALLY]

Hi there, just wanted to add my support. You're going a terrific job. My H is currently half way through a 28 day residential alcohol programme. I'm not overly optimistic but it is a start and I'm telling you nothing would have happened if I hadn't got tough. I was protecting him for years thinking I was helping him and the kids but all I was doing was prolonging the agony. Thinking of you x

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh sorry, Userformallyknownas - my mistake! Glad your relationship with your DS has benefited from your sobriety then :)

[EndOfLongTether]

Sorry to disappear on you all. RL is complicated atm, as you can imagine and I haven't had much time for MN.

H has seen a doctor who has apparently (and incredibly) agreed that Sinclair Method of taking a pill before he goes drinking is the way forward He says he also met with AA person, who listened to him and said "You are not an alcoholic. You need a psychologist."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Meanwhile, he has had a blood test and a scan to see his liver is OK, which is apparently what you need to do before starting these drugs. And found out that there is a "cyst" by his liver. But he won't go for further scans because "I don't want to know"

He saw the kids for the 1st time today. We had lunch. He was hostile to me and talked about having to come home to get his stuff, I'm going travelling, kids are better off with you".

[EndOfLongTether]

Ledkr - I think this is a different drug. Apparently, you take this one an hour before alcohol and it stops you feeling the pleasure (whatever that means) from drinking. It supposedly works like a Pavlov'a dog conditioning, in the long term. Like, up to a year

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

endof

I'm sorrr to tell you this but I suspect you already know, DH is lying to you. He is not doing this for you or DC.

He says that he has seen a dr who agreed that he should use this Sinclair method - Okay I suppose it's possible, but then you need a scan etc to make sure it is okay to continue -they carry out a scan and find something abnormal, yet still allow him to follow this Sinclair method without further testing? This is lie number one.

Won't go for further scans - because doesn't want to know - read wants you to pity him.

Has been to an AA person who says he isn't an alcoholic- that he needs to see a psychologist, this too is rubbish!!!!! Any member of AA (including me) will tell anyone coming to AA that AA will not tell them wether or not they are alcoholic, they need to work this out for themselves, further not being an alcoholic does not mean you cannot attend AA, i quote the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking

Alcoholics like me are crafty cunning and manipulative, we like to engineer people and things to our way of thinking while still drinking, this is what your she is doing.

My opinion would be that he should not be coming back until he can show he is totally abstinent from alcohol, no only one drink per night, or only drinking in a Sat night etc etc, he needs to be totally clean of alcohol.

[EndOfLongTether]

Hi user. Thank you for telling me your story. I know where your wife is coming from. There isn't much left of a relationship after years of lies, drunken aggression, and resentment.

I'm willing to give him a chance to sort himself out and make it up to us, but it seems he is not interested in making the effort, at least with me. He seems to want to go straight to the point where he gets the children one week out of two, which of course he can't be trusted with. That is the whole point.

May I ask you a question, if you don't mind?

"I'm still not drinking as it's the kick up the arse I needed to see what is/was going on."

May I ask how you didn't see what was coming before the kick up the arse? I ask this to H and haven't had an answer yet. How did you expect your wife & children to put up with your drunken behaviorist? I find this incredible and really would like to understand the thought process involved.

[EndOfLongTether]

X-posted with you, user.

"they carry out a scan and find something abnormal, yet still allow him to follow this Sinclair method without further testing?"

Actually, when I asked when he is starting the pills, he said he won't. I asked why & what he planned to do instead, and he didn't want to say.

Maybe he said "No" to further testing because he is scared to find out what the cyst may be and dr said "No" to prescription in that case. I don't know.

In any case, I told him he needs to be able to tell me he isn't drinking and won't drink before he comes back home. Not that he seems interested in coming back home at present

[Stormtreader]

I sincerely doubt that he has spoken to anyone from AA, and I also doubt that his doctor approved him for this drug treatment.
I suspect that he told his GP he was alcoholic and had been for years, and was sent for a liver scan on that basis.

Basically, he's seeing if he can lie his way back in without committing to changing anything whatsoever.

[skyyequake]

He said "No" to further tests because that would mean a) he would have to face up to the fact his drinking has actually impacted him seemingly the only person he cares about and b) he now has a convenient excuse to not even do this cop-out method and carry on drinking as usual.

I would bet money on at least half of what he's told you is complete bollocks. And if the AA advisor really said that I'll eat my hat.

[tipsytrifle]

Agree with Stormreader and skyyequake. Sorry, OP - though your posting tone sounds more strong and it seems you have stood your ground. Soooo - he's going travelling, eh? As in vanishing for awhile? Make sure you lock down any finances that you need! Have you had any legal advice yet?

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

Endof.....

There is a long history involved before the kick up the arse moment, a lot of stuff had been going on before with dsd and some other stuff, (dsd had been drinking, using drugs etc) of course what happened because I had been drinking I flew off the handle which led to more resentments etc, bit of a vicious circle if you like.

A lot of the rows dw and I had were to do with dsd, and things she was doing while at college, continuation of stuff she had been doing while at home...so on one occasion I left dw and ds at mother in laws holiday home rather than have an argument.

I also have a two year thing running in work which causes massive stress

We also had rows about dw going guarantor for a flat for dsd, which I didn't handle well.

Why did I act the way I did, - largely due to drink - I drank to forget and avoid the stress, which of course made me more stressed - and then I drank more to forget that stress.

Why did I not stop drinking, I'm an alcoholic and needed the drink to keep going, I didn't want to drink at times but it was the only thing that would calm me (there is another post in which I am Calle Apalem which may give more background).

I would say though I wasn't aggressive physically, and although I had a sharp tongue I never offered or threatened violence

I tried numerous methods stopping drinking, giving up on my own, only drinking at weekends, limiting the number of drinks, and nothing worked.

How did I not see what was coming? I don't know whether I thought it would never happen, that my wife loved me unconditionally or that I couldn't see alcohol as the problem ....I don't know, in soberhindsight I've asked myself the same question lots of times...

In ways I thought I was a good husband and father, but drink had a hold of me and a lot of times came first....my wife always referred to something called her bubble where nothing gets in...and she avoided any type of confrontation like the plague, so much do that she only recently told me things that annoyed her that she didn't before...dw would also have went behind my back borrowing money to pay for dsd (extras etc) when we could afford it but I was trying to make dsd learn.

There was also a lot of influence as regards dsd where dw family was concerned. (Giving key to use internet when banned etc)

The pressure was even more of an excuse to drink. Not a valid reason but another reason.