Kicked him out this morning. Hand hold please.

[EndOfLongTether]

Long term poster (from before the Moldies saga) namechanged because there are friends on here who know my regular NN.

DH has been drinking in binges for a very long time. I suffered it for years and tried to keep a normal facade for the benefit of DC, but now the oldest understands what is going on. After last night when he showed up drunk, aggressed her, then banged the door and went out without a word, she said "Mummy, I don't feel good in this house anymore. I never know if he will come home like this in the evening" He stumbled home at 5 AM.

I woke him up earlier and told him to pack a bag and leave. He was still laughing and said I was exaggerating, it was all a bit of fun. It's not fun at all for me & DC. He left. I don't know if he took a bag.

I'm feeling wobbly.

[Costacoffeeplease]

6 months sober, no slip ups, then talk

[marfisa]

You're doing really well, OP. I just wanted to suggest Al Anon if no one on the thread has suggested it yet. AA is for alcoholics and Al Anon is for family members of alcoholics. It's very helpful at giving family members the courage and strength to detach from their alcoholic loved one and to realise that they're not responsible for that person's drinking. This may be the wake up call that your DH needs to get sober, but again, it may not be. :( It's up to him. The fact that he went to only one AA meeting and didn't go back is not a good sign.

For what it's worth, I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I got sober through AA and have been sober now for two years. It has been a helluva lot of work but so worth it!

Some people just aren't ready to stop drinking. AA didn't work for me until I was truly, utterly desperate to stop.

Good luck and stay strong, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

[EndOfLongTether]

"6 months sober, no slip ups, then talk"

How do I know he has had no slip ups during that time?

[EndOfLongTether]

marfisa - What finally made you determined to stop drinking, if you don't mind me asking?

People talk about the necessity to hit rock bottom, but of course he doesn't because he has a home, his clothes are cleaned & ironed etc.

So now that I've stopped covering for him & picking up the slack, will that be enough?

[Bogeyface]

I think that you will probably know if he slips up. Text messages, phone calls etc that are from drunk him instead of sober him, you already know the difference between the two.

Stay strong, you are doing this for him as much as for you and the kids. He needs to realise what the drink is costing him and you holding your ground is showing him that.

[Costacoffeeplease]

As Bogeyface says, I think you'll know the signs if he slips up

[EndOfLongTether]

"Text messages, phone calls etc that are from drunk him"

I get nothing from him when he starts drinking. No calls, no texts. And if I call, he doesn't pick up.

[Mamaka]

Well done on your courage!
I'm sure you've thought this through but I just wanted to say, don't let your dd think he's been thrown out because of what she said or she will feel guilty and think she is to blame. Have you talked to her yet?

[Costacoffeeplease]

Well if you don't think you can ever believe he's been sober for 6 months, then there will never come a time to talk. There's your answer

[EvansAndThePrince]

How are you coping this evening OP? On the surface you're doing brilliantly telling him he can't come back. I imagine you're hurting though. Have the kids asked any questions?

[EndOfLongTether]

Kids are OK. It's amazing how much calmer our evenings are when we are not stressing about when and especially in which state daddy will show up.

I told DD that he will stay somewhere else until he sees the doctor, takes medicine, and gets better. Younger DC just heard "somewhere else" and didn't ask why.

I'm not too bad, either. This has been such a long time coming and I have been so stressed. Now that it's finally happened, I have finally relaxed because it is out of my hands.

[EndOfLongTether]

Costa, he has lied so many times to me for so long that I don't know what he can say to make me believe he doesn't drink. I don't know if that means he can't turn around his life, though.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Maybe he can turn his life around - it doesn't mean you have to sit and wait and wonder and worry

[OliviaBenson]

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say keep going. My dad is an alcoholic and my childhood was badly affected by that. My mum wouldn't leave or kick him out- tried to manage it instead. But it didn't work and only got harder when we got older.

I'm still affected by him now and I have a poor relationship with my mum for not putting us kids first.

You are doing fantastic and I know it's hard, but it will be much harder in the long run for you all if you stayed together. Alcolohilcs are selfish and will promise you the world.

Stay strong and when you have a wobble, just think of what your daughter said. Good luck xx

[EndOfLongTether]

Thank you Olivia. Your story and others from children of alcoholics keep me strong and determined

May I ask how your relationship is with your father now?

[EndOfLongTether]

I really appreciate your support, everyone, and keep coming back to read this thread to remind myself that I'm doing the right thing.

[marfisa]

marfisa - What finally made you determined to stop drinking, if you don't mind me asking?

Gosh, I'm not sure exactly. A couple of moments stand out in my mind though. One was at the end of the university year when I was tidying up my office (I'm an academic) and I was opening all the drawers and cupboards in my office and they were all full of empty wine and vodka bottles. It was a moment when I thought to myself, 'This is no way to live.' Just seeing all the hidden bottles was a powerful visual symbol of my alcoholism. :( Another incident that happened about the same time was that we were having friends round for dinner and I was so drunk that I had retired to bed by the time they arrived, so my DH had to host on his own. This had actually happened before and he usually told people that I was sick. This time for some reason he was fed up and told them the truth. When I learned this the following day, I was mortified. The friends didn't seem to mind, they thought it was kind of amusing, but I felt so exposed. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and denial, and looking back my DH did a good thing by refusing to collaborate with the secrecy. It was unusual for him as he's someone who worries a lot about what people will think.

Those incidents got me to my first AA meeting and that was the start of my journey to sobriety. I didn't expect AA to work because I had tried to stop drinking on my own many times and it had never worked. But all the different aspects of the programme the 'one day at a time' mantra, the meetings full of people who had stopped drinking and seemed really damn happy to be sober (!), having a sponsor, doing the 12 steps all those things helped me stop drinking, and eventually, stay stopped. I'm still kind of amazed that it's worked. But I still go to about three meetings a week and I take my recovery very seriously. I don't go to meetings because I still crave alcohol (most of the time now I don't crave it); I go because the meetings calm my anxiety and help me deal with all the psychological issues that made me a problem drinker in the first place.

About what is 'enough' to make someone stop drinking, I would say that's an unanswerable question. I've seen people come into AA and get sober because of an incident even more minor than my two 'lightbulb moments' that I described above. I've also seen people who have lost their jobs and their kids due to drink and even those things don't seem to constitute enough of a wake-up call to make them want to stop drinking. :( The main thing I would say about your DH is that he will only stop when HE wants to stop. Try to let go of the idea that anything you can do or not do (even kicking him out!) can make him drink or not drink. Kicking him out is 100% the right thing to do, because you're refusing to 'enable' his drinking any more, but he's an alcoholic: he might choose to carry on drinking anyway even if you're not enabling him. :( But it should be crystal clear that it's HIS responsibility: 'you can't live with us because you're choosing to drink.' And when you said above, for instance, that supervised contact would be detrimental to his relationship with his DC, I would reword that and say that HIS DRINKING means that he needs to have supervised contact with his DC. HE is harming his relationship with his DC. Not you and not the fact of supervised contact in itself.

I hope this makes sense. And I really hope for your sake that this will be a wake up call for him. Alcoholics can and do get better! But regardless of what happens to him, you and your DC will be so much better off now that you've made this choice. xx

[Whooptydoo1]

Hi, I just wanted to drop in with my support, both my parents have been alcoholics for as long as I can remember, you are doing the right thing, I do not allow my parents contact with my children, but I still hope one day they'll see the light and things will get better, I know this is unlikely though, I accepted that I don't have parents like other people and haven't loved or needed them for a long time. Remember though, that although their dad may be chaotic and unreliable, your children have you, someone who makes them feel safe, secure and loved, these things are worth so much, they will always know that they can come back to you. Only he can make himself better, this is not your responsibility, he doesn't have to keep drinking for you to end your relationship, he has done enough to warrant you doing that already. Try not to worry about him, he is an adult capable of making his own decisions- protect yourself and your children xx

[Whooptydoo1]

Also I wanted to add that marfisa made an excellent point, when he makes you feel guilty because you left him, you took the kids away, you make his drinking worse, this is bullshit, it is his responsibility, his actions, his choices have led you to a point where you have no choice - he's made his choices so now you must do what you have to. You don't want an alcoholic for a husband, you want him to be a good father and husband, but it is his actions that are making that impossible not yours. You have nothing to feel guilty about

[EndOfLongTether]

Yes, that is a very good point. He is doing this even now - not saying it as such but the two times we spoke (shortly) on the phone, he is cold and short with me, as if I am the one who upset him

[EndOfLongTether]

Whoopty - How far back do you remember your parents' outrageous behaviour and mistreatment, if you don't mind me asking? DD will never forget and regularly tells me about stuff daddy did years ago, but I'm hoping her younger sibling might still escape unscathed.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

God OP, good on you for this.

I have nothing more to add other than my marriage terminated because of the alcoholic past of my ex FIL. When my XH and his sis were young their dad ruled the house with a rod of iron and slapped round their mum and my XH.

The psychological scarring that it caused my XH meant that he displayed behaviours that he'd learnt it was ok to do to others from the example set by his dad.

Whilst I was never hit, and my XH was teetotal the apple didn't fall far from the tree in every other way and the destructive patterns of behaviour were passed on from father to son, ultimately destroying my marriage and removing his wish to be a father himself before he hit 40.

You're doing your children and their future relationships a good service by moving this destructive selfish man from their lives, as painful and upsetting as it inevitably is for you.

Best of luck x

[EndOfLongTether]

marfisa - Thank you for telling me your story. It sounds like you have woken up to the need to quit drinking with far more subtler signs of your alcoholism than my H has had over the years - lost his best friend after insulting his DW while drunk, threw up in the shower, went drinking & forgot to pick DD up after an activity so she was left alone outside in the dark until I rushed to the other side of town to get her... The list is endless. He still didn't need to quit drinking.

Now he does, apparently. He sent me a text saying that he is starting AA today. We will see.