Brave Babes...braving the Autumn

[Mrsmimsy]

??? Xxx

Hi Ma, lovely to see you, nothing to be sorry about. How are you love? I am feeling ashamed, guilty and majorly paranoid - trying to work out what I said yesterday and piece together the series of events without having to ask DH. I was also scouring DS1's behaviour to see whether I've scarred him forever, but he seems ok. Fuck Ma, how am I still here?

Made, thanks for your lovely message and support, sorry you're having a tough time tonight.

Faire, thanks for your kind words, I'm AF tonight and going to bed early. Tomorrow will be better. I'm tired of going to work hungover every Monday, I am so obsessed with booze right now, I look at the calendar and genuinely only look forward to the occasions which mean I can drink. What a fucking loser.

Margie you are still here because ds needs you
Wryfit like? You up for a wee sea glass adventure up the East Neuk?

Wry I''m driving to my work Christmas party so won't be drinking at all. A few years ago that would have been an impossible thought. A party without a drink, what's the point in that?

But I'm looking forward to a good catch up with colleagues followed by a good night's sleep and no regrets the next day.

im not too bad, dad has cheered me up. Not speaking to mum which will be a nighmare as both fiesty and too alike so dreading seeing her tomorrow. Bed now i think

God aye ma, that would be rare! What a wheeze it would be!

Get by New Year and name the day! Short staffed this month due to the ramming in of everybody's unused holidays before the end of the year. I wanted to book a week at Christmas at the beginning of the year and was told no. Although in hindsight perhaps it wasn't a bad thing as I ended up using tons of days mending the terrorist.

I am currently being a lazy bugger and packing Christmas presents into gift bags with a scrunch of silvery tissue. Haven't the will to do neat corners and with a marauding Jaws of a Labrador waiting for me to leave the roll unattended for a second...She is Confetti R Us.

We managed a 15 minute walk on (a very tight) lead in the forest on Sunday. Her face was a delight, she was actually quivering with joy. I did query the fairness of it, you know, letting her see what she can't bound about in but wanted to give her a glimmer of hope for the future. The scents tired her little brain right out, she slept for two hours straight! Love that wee dog. Although apparently she was an arse the other day with my sister. Had a meltdown when she encountered a pug in a santa suit.

margie lovely to see you, but sorry you are struggling. No advice, but I know how shit it is and can relate. And you sound like such a loving and caring mum. I hope you sleep well and enjoy waking up hangover free.

made sorry you've had a horrible evening, not a nice thing to have said to you - hopefully a good nights sleep will help things settle down. Take care lovely.

wry great news that you and pup have made it out for a walk, the pug in a Santa suit made me laugh though.

Managed to stay af tonight- it's weird the feeling of relief when I get into bed sober, just wish I could bottle that feeling for when I'm tempted to head to the shop. Next week I have my birthday, two days of exams and a girly weekend away (spa and Christmas market). So a bit of a mixed week, but unlikely in reality to be a sober one. I think planning and damage limitation will be key. But this week I really, really need not to drink. Too much to do, and too much at stake.

Morning babes. It is lovely to be back on the bus, even if I am in the Sidecar of Shame for now.

Wry, your tales of life with the loony Lab made me laugh, I grew up with labs and retrievers so I can imagine the fun you're having! I know exactly what you meant when you say your dog was quivering with excitement just to see the woods and fields - if you could bottle that feeling, you'd be a very wealthy woman! I think I imagine that's how booze is going to make me feel - major elation, etc - but of course it never does. Good for you for choosing your Xmas events with care, I'm going to do the same, I definitely need to minimize twattery.

Elba, good to see you, well done for going to bed AF. Sounds like you've got some challenging events coming up - one day at a time my friend.

I'm feeling a tiny bit better this morning - my Fitbit tells me I slept for 8 hours, 20 minutes and of course I went to bed AF so it was actually proper sleep. Going to go for a run this afternoon with my neighbour, if I didn't insult her on Sunday - can't remember if I saw her or not. Running is my new hobby - I thought it was going to replace booze and I was going to turn into a fit, skinny, goddess in lycra but sadly that hasn't happened yet. Ah well, onwards and upwards, happy Tuesday to youse all.

I would have a meltdown as a pug in a Santa suit!
Margie, hope you have a better day today.

Evening all. Just checking in. Not going well here, been hanging all day and now have got some horrendous cold, snotty nose, sore throats and pounding head. Actually feel that I might genuinely have a cold, as opposed to just a hangover.

Not riding the evil one this eve, as feel too shit, mentally and physically.

Read in the news about the alcoholic who ended his life with assisted suicide. Made me feel so darn crap. And as if there is no way out.

Sorry for doom and gloom. Back later for a proper catch up.

Love to all.

Its harder now for a few weeks isn't it?
Gritting teeth tonight, won't cave but tough today.
Just a check in

Hi all, I was doing really well again up until 10.30pm on Saturday night, dp came home with a bottle of wine and some beer for him. I drank it I did enjoy it, but I can't help feeling iv let myself down,
I have fallen into the trap of having a bottle of wine or something on a fri or sat for the past 3 week. I don't drink through the week.
I dunno just feeling weird about my outlook on alchohol, I think it's ok if I do have the 1 bottle or something it's just when I use to go on mad binges Fri and sat nights and drink until oblivious and done crap things!

I would like the just not drink but there is so much temptation around.

wry aww bless, she sounds so cute! How old is she?
elba well done for today and I’m sure the rest of the week will go well the girly weekend sounds nice!
Margie lovely that you’re sounding so positive, hope your run went well.
la poor you, colds are shite. Have you tried the beechams max strength, they’re really good for colds?
choc well done for not drinking in the week as you can go without during the week, is it just a habit you’ve gotten into, drinking lots on the weekend? Do try not to beat yourself up though

Me and mam are friends now. Neither of us have apologised (we never do) but are alright. Childrens home manager rang – can I email copy of passport and degree certificate because they lost their photocopies? Will do but will do tomorrow evening, not rushing. Also need to talk to manager in Tesco and get her to write a letter to manager confirming my working there – they seem to need know what I’ve done since August It’s taking soo long to sort out and I can’t ask manager til Monday as she’s on a week off. Hopefully will soon be sorted! Course is very interesting and fun, the trainer makes a difficult subject seem fun and lots of team work/activities/games etc and lots of humour. Some sad bits too. I was very pleased to have my dislike of the word ‘alcoholic’ validated. Obviously some people don’t have a problem with it, but I had a problem with my old friends calling me an ‘alcoholic’ and trying to get me to ‘admit’ it, mainly because of the stereotypes it carries, and we had a big discussion about labels and stereotypes. I agreed with lots of what he said really sorry for rambling on. I didn’t feel too bad this morning although obviously painkillers (have been taking mams for my agonising back) and alcohol aren’t a good mix and I didn’t sleep well. So lesson learnt.

BIG oops - got a few tabs up and posted to wrong tab! Sorry babes!

so H turns up last night c10pm , he'd locked himself out.
Clearly had had a few drinks.
I just welcomed him, said you can stay and in fact we slept togather in my bed.
All easier to handle sober!! Sheesh.
Hope today is okay babes

Please someone tell me to get a grip. Keep thinking I can have a few then stop, I can't stop. I know this, I know I'm happier when not drinking. I know I can't stop so I know I shouldn't start but I keep fucking up night after night at the moment.

I have a massively important exam next week, I want to bloody pass it. I can resit but it will cost a fortune....I should be going to bed and getting up and working, was also planning a run. Then I have to work tomorrow night. This morning I was set on being af, then just a couple with a set limit, now yet again I don't want to stop and am tempted to just stay in bed and ignore it all tomorrow. I hate December, and Christmas, and thinking about a dry January so of course this is yet another bloody excuse to drink more now.

Plus on Monday I will officially be older than my brother was when he died. How can you be older than your big brother??? I know technically I am now but the numbers make it real. If im older than he ever was then I can't see him as my older brother somehow and I'm scared I'll loose the lovely protective feeling I get when I think of him. Then it just feels a selfish way to think of him just as someone to look after me. And that's not the case, I miss him so fucking much and hate that he felt so much pain. I want him to be at peace, but selfishly I want him back so much.

December can just fuck off basically- can someone wake me up on about the 2nd January please?

I want to scream....totally fucker up today and tomorrow. Despise myself...wish I could think of ssronger word. Fucking hate myself times a million

and sorry for being s selfish cunt too, way too self absorbed to even read back. Sorry. I'm a twat.

Elba reading that what I see is the profound effect of your brothers death.
You're reflecting, you're recognising some triggers to drink. You're not a twat.
Clear house of all booze?
Focus on exam.
You've still time to study.
If you drink, only purchase a set amount.
Then refocus every day on the exam, even if you've drank, push the derailing thoughts away the next day.
We've all/do all feel about ourselves as you do at the moment, it's the drink/hangover lowering your mood as well as Life.
I feel for you

Oh god sorry my language is appalling when drunk . Knew I'd posted, but no recollection of those last two.

theanswer thank you for your lovely post xx Your so right about the drink lowering my mood. I know this, so why keep doing it?! Such a stupid cycle.

Hungover (predictably) but managed a fair bit of reading this morning from my bed. I'm going to attempt a run- not sure how that will go- then have a sleep.

Sorry again for the drunk rambling

Been reading back the last few pages, and so sorry to read the struggles that so many are going through.

Lala really sorry to hear about your mc. I've had 3 and they are truly horrible, but you mustn't blame yourself. If they are going to happen, they happen. It's shit but that's the truth.

Elba been reading your struggles too. Wish I could give you a bit hug over the internet. Sounds as if you have a lot going on.

Life is SO hard. We try to be everything to everyone, and often the person who gets left at the back of the queue is yourself. Self medicating with booze is just too tempting and that feeling of being warm, fuzzy and out of it is so addictive when life is throwing all kinds of shit your way.

I'm still trying to ween myself off my Setraline. The Dr thinks that I am suffering withdrawl effects, i.e. extreme tiredness and lethargy.

OH bought me a Fitbit for an early Xmas present, and according to that I am only getting about 4 hours sleep a night! I'm seeing if having a few AF days in a row helps, so far it hasn't. I last had a drink on Sunday, and my sleep pattern is still rubbish and I wake up feeling lethargic and headachy.

Love to all x

..oh and Elba sounds like you are doing great with the running!

It's so hard to motivate myself to get out at this time of year. I'm going to try and force my arse out there this evening when OH gets home from work.

I would love to hibernate. Imagine eating as much as you like to put on loads of weight then avoiding the cold by snuggling in a warm, comfy bed and waking up in the spring, all slim and ready face the year ahead. Bliss!