Since I got pregnant...

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I should probably name change for this but won't.

Since I got pregnant, with our tried for child my husband hasn't wanted to touch me sexually.

It happened much more quickly after we got married than we anticipated, child might as well be a honeymoon baby (we had been together some years before getting married).

My husband is 19 years older than me, I am 28. Since becoming pregnant/having the baby, our sex life has died a death. Not on my shout. I look almost exactly the same 15 months post birth as before, granted I have some stretch marks now.

We've been intimate maybe 5 times since the baby was born. Once this year. It isn't me, I want to. I miss it. I don't understand why he doesn't want me.

I almost left earlier this month but felt we could work at it. Lack of intimacy isn't the only issue but I think it is the one which will end it.

Ali your instinct is to minimise his behaviour and allow him to turn it onto yourself because if it's at least partly your fault then you can do something about it, right? Wrong! You shouted at him after your pre-birthday night out because he had behaved appallingly. You could argue it wasn't the best reaction but you talk about it as though you were the instigator and he was some kind of passive victim of your outburst.

My counsellor once told me "just because someone states their opinion as fact doesn't mean it's true". You need to stop seeking validation from him as though his opinion is the benchmark for normal behaviour in a relationship - it's clearly not. Good luck with leaving

I think you need to do some work on recalibrating the way you think about the relationship, his behaviour and yours. He has effectively brainwashed into thinking that everything is your fault. He has very effectively kept you in your place (ie firmly under his control) by destroying your self esteem, making you think there's something wrong with you and no-one else would want to be with you. That's bullshit. There is nothing wrong with you.

Please get a copy of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and read it. You could also get counselling or do the Freedom Programne. I think you need to do those things ASAP.

You might leave him because you're unhappy and we're encouraging you to, but if your heart's not in it and your thinking hasn't changed, you will go back to him because deep down you still believe his manupulative lies.

I will still go to my mums. I think time apart will be beneficial regardless of the end outcome.

I don't know about him brainwashing me but it's true I struggle to see things objectively where he is concerned. I've always been inclined to overthink and blame myself for things, even as a small child.

I am really grateful for all the advice, kindness and patience. I promise I am taking it on board still

Oh, OP, you sound so sad and at the end of your tether. Much sympathy and for you.

What stood out in your post - to me - was this:

I do wonder if he's actually not very nice but most people seem to think he's great, a really nice guy. He's different with friends, at work, to how he is at home. Strikingly so.

He shouldn't be. He should be showing you his best side. There are so
many red flags here, lovey, honestly:

habitual cheater
20 years older than you and still not got his shit together
blames you for everything
emotional blackmail (saying he'll kill himself is classic). He won't.
blaming you for not earning money

There's a lot here to fix. Agree with others - you need some time out and away from all this. Give you time to think. And see how much nicer it would be to live without all his stress and pressure...

Oh, OP, you sound so sad and at the end of your tether. Much sympathy and for you.

What stood out in your post - to me - was this:

I do wonder if he's actually not very nice but most people seem to think he's great, a really nice guy. He's different with friends, at work, to how he is at home. Strikingly so.

He shouldn't be. He should be showing you his best side. There are so
many red flags here, lovey, honestly:

habitual cheater
20 years older than you and still not got his shit together
blames you for everything
emotional blackmail (saying he'll kill himself is classic). He won't.
blaming you for not earning money

There's a lot here to fix. Agree with others - you need some time out and away from all this. Give you time to think. And see how much nicer it would be to live without all his stress and pressure...

I'm not that easy a person to live with

Does he tell you that? I bet he does.

I can't imagine how difficult it is to start getting your head around all this. Going to your mum's is a great start.

He's said at times that at x point in the past I was difficult to live with. Like when I was pregnant (which is without a doubt true).

He is being really nice today, not accusatory or long faced, just nice. I find it so confusing.

It just reads like another cliched tactic to get you to stay.

I'm glad you still plan to go to your mum's. Take the time apart to look after yourself and do some reading and/or counselling as I suggested. Good luck

Cross post.

His nice behaviour is part of the [[http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html cycle of abuse]].

Pregnancy makes your hormonal, tired, emotional, sensitive, irritable, grumpy - and yes, probably a bit difficult to live with sometimes. But that's ok! You're growing a human being! It's very nasty of him to blame you for it. You were growing his child FFS.

Link fail!

I haven't gone to my mums yet. A friend (who I assumed had made alternative arrangements given she is aware of the issues) dropped her dog off at the house on friday. Don't really think it's on to go and leave him with my friends dog.

So I'm going to use the week to sort my stuff out etc.

We're not really talking, we do when the baby is awake because we can talk about her, but after that nothing. Which isn't so different to usual. Friday I went out, last night we were in separate rooms for the evening doing our own thing, tonight he has gone out. The next few nights i'm working nights. There's a veneer of niceess but it doesn't take much for it to crack, to be honest.

Yeah it doesn't take much for a snide "this is your fault/you have made me ill" to creep in.

I feel pretty detached at this point, from it all.

Feeling detached from him is good. Feeling detached from yourself is not so good. I hope you find the focus to use this week wisely to get your head together, get your paperwork together and plan your departure. You need to be in a place where you can properly grieve for your relationship and then move on. Just remember that he has done this, not you.

Good luck.

He knows I am leaving on Saturday, I've asked him to make plans to not be in the house so I can get my stuff together.

I've felt much more myself in the last day or so. There have been no tears or panics for a week maybe, I think I have probably done an awful lot of the grieving before actually leaving. Which sounds awful I know, but I think is true.

Alis

Well done. It is sad and you are allowed to grieve. There is nothing awful about having done it already, he has given you much to grieve about. I just hope you can make a life for yourself and your DC. You seem to have your head on straight now. Keep it up.

He seems to be more accepting now. Which is a relief. This afternoon he did say "I don't want you to go", but not in that wheedling, whiny way he usually does. I just said "I know that" and moved the conversation on.

I think (or am at least now more hopeful) we are going to be able to remain on good terms for our child which comforts me immensely, it's so important to me that our issues don't become hers.