Since I got pregnant...

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I should probably name change for this but won't.

Since I got pregnant, with our tried for child my husband hasn't wanted to touch me sexually.

It happened much more quickly after we got married than we anticipated, child might as well be a honeymoon baby (we had been together some years before getting married).

My husband is 19 years older than me, I am 28. Since becoming pregnant/having the baby, our sex life has died a death. Not on my shout. I look almost exactly the same 15 months post birth as before, granted I have some stretch marks now.

We've been intimate maybe 5 times since the baby was born. Once this year. It isn't me, I want to. I miss it. I don't understand why he doesn't want me.

I almost left earlier this month but felt we could work at it. Lack of intimacy isn't the only issue but I think it is the one which will end it.

I value the support I've received on this thread so much. Reminds me exactly why mumsnet is such a wonderful place!

For you Alis Keep strong, focus on a happier future.

I did it!

So pleased for you. Enjoy your freedom. Never forget how much resolve you have had to show to achieve what you have done for you and DD. Be proud of yourself.

oh well done!

When you get yourself straight, do the Freedom Programme . I'm not suggesting you do it as a nice little thing to do, but as an ESSENTIAL thing to do. You need to get clued up about this type of person: an abusive, controlling person.

Because I'd put my money on that he part punishing you and part training you when he put you through all that once you became pregnant. It is well known that abusive men step up the abuse when their partner becomes pregnant - she is so much more vulnerable, you see.

And if he is abusive (which he is), this won't be the end of the problems you have with him. He'll probably be a bit shocked you actually left him - without his permission! - but once he gets over the shock you'll really be in for it.

So do the Freedom Programme. Also get in touch with Womens Aid - your local office here

to you and your lo.

Well done Alis.

Well done, Alis. I second everything everyone else has said about the Freedom Programme - it will help you see these losers coming.

And then, when you are ready, you are in with a shot of meeting the really decent guy you deserve in your life.

I think quite relieved. I think months of inaction made everything feel so much worse. He's not taking it well, as though it's come as a shock

His feelings are not your problem. He has had months and longer to fix this. You are not responsible for his happiness, don't let him worm his way back in with a load of guilt-tripping.

Of course it hasn't come as a shock, his 'not taking it well' is just the first volley of whatever he is now going to throw at you. It won't be pleasant. Stay strong.

I recommend minimal communication, preferably by email alone. If you entertain any of his attempts at discussions you risk him sucking you into attention-seeking, controlling, guilt-tripping or pity-party conversations which take forever to wind up and eat into your new-found freedom away from him.
Stick to facts. Don't explain yourself or your decisions, you don't need to. Say your piece followed by "that's all I have to say. Goodbye".
It might be useful to research grey rock technique.

Of course it's come as a shock - he didn't believe for a moment you would go. He thought he had more control over you and that being nice to you for a few days would put you back where he wanted you.

Well done, you!

Beware manipulations, machinations now. Spend time with your mum and baby, and remember who you were before you met him.

Whatever happens in the future, do not ever go to counselling with him.

I'm a friends, in a different city with my daughter, due to a family event, tonight. We've communicated today but only about our daughter, mostly just photographs. I think you're right that entertaining proper conversations now will end badly.

And thanks again for the support. It really does mean a lot and has been very helpful to me.

*at a friend's.

Wow, that's an exciting step to take. Hard to see any way in which you could possibly regret it.

From similar threads, be prepared for a rollercoaster of moods from him. He may seem kind, reasonable and even thoughtful about you in the immediate aftermath. When it becomes clear that you really aren't coming back, this can often turn to anger and accusation.

It might not play that way but do be ready for it.

I do feel really positive, after finally taking decisive action. I remember looking at him when our daughter was really tiny, weeks old at most, and thinking "I will not be having this for the rest of your life and the best years of mine". It came back to me yesterday, that memory. So I have been working up to this for a while now.

You sound so different even after such a short time, as if something has cleared in your vision and you're seeing reality now. Hold on to that memory of your DD, it's enormously powerful. I am so proud of you and so glad to have been a supporting voice along with everyone else on this thread.

Of course the real star is you, first for reaching out for help and second for acting on good advice.

Well done, Alis, little things will probably pop up in your memory quite often now.

You're at a friend's? Is that for long, will you be looking to go somewhere else after?

I'm only at my friends for this evening. Otherwise at my mums, until the new year when I will look for a place to rent.

Will keep updating as to how things go. Thank you all

Well done, OP. I remember the months of indecision before leaving and then walking on air once it was done. So happy for you. All the advice you have been given is spot on.

I can't do extended updates using my phone for some reason. But so far so good. Still separated, still feeling positive about my decision.