Since I got pregnant...

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I should probably name change for this but won't.

Since I got pregnant, with our tried for child my husband hasn't wanted to touch me sexually.

It happened much more quickly after we got married than we anticipated, child might as well be a honeymoon baby (we had been together some years before getting married).

My husband is 19 years older than me, I am 28. Since becoming pregnant/having the baby, our sex life has died a death. Not on my shout. I look almost exactly the same 15 months post birth as before, granted I have some stretch marks now.

We've been intimate maybe 5 times since the baby was born. Once this year. It isn't me, I want to. I miss it. I don't understand why he doesn't want me.

I almost left earlier this month but felt we could work at it. Lack of intimacy isn't the only issue but I think it is the one which will end it.

You can talk to them. You really can. I know it must feel like you have burnt your bridges but you haven't. You didn't change your mind, your DH talked you out of it. That's not much a surprise from a man with his history.

You think your family are thinking "oh for fucks sake". They may be thrilled if you say you realise you should have gone through with Plan A. If your family are normal, reasonable people you should be able to just ask, but of course families can have their own little ways...

Call your family tonight and tell them. If you were my dd I'd just be glad you'd only stayed an extra week.

Good luck.

I understand your embarrassment at changing your mind, but it's totally normal - it takes a lot of courage to leave any relationship, let alone an abusive one. I'm sure your family will want to support you.

Have you also considered calling Women's Aid? The number is 0808 2000 247, lines are open 24/7 and if they're busy please keep trying. Women's Aid can give you practical advice as well as support and encouragement. They might be a good call if you're worried about "using up" the goodwill of family and friends - and they have a huge amount of experience in supporting women in situations like yours.

I am on my sofa surrounded by boxes. DC asleep upstairs surrounded by boxes.
It is our first night away from H (their step Dad).
This is the second leaving I've had to do in 3 years, have left a marriage of 8 months.
The previous leaving was from emotionally and financially abusive ex whom I met at age 19. He became much worse after DC.
So I left. Got wooed by my first love, got married! And his behaviour is destructive to a relationship and me and DC deserve more.
So I know it's hard, but it's okay to almost leave and cancel.
Even multiple times.
It's part of the process of you putting yourself and DC first, before what you think you owe to him.
If your family don't understand this, thats okay, you can leave anyway.
I've spoken with the bank about the deposit on this house and they've extended overdraft short-term. Could you try similar?
I feel for you. It's odd when things are crap, and you're not loved, and you worry and wonder what's going on all the time but you somehow think it's not "bad enough to leave". You're not being shallow, or silly. You want to leave him, and it's tough to act on

He has suggested that I seek help for post natal depression.

Maybe he's right.

Why is it your fault? Seriously, why is the blame for the lack of sex being put onto you?

In the main it's either I've made him feel insecure/anxious or don't make him feel wanted. The irony of the latter reason not entirely lost on me.

I did take antidepressants after both babies but realised after that my low mood was done to the relationship/him. They still helped.
This seems like another way to make the problems be your fault and none of his.

Stand firm OP - don't let him make you feel guilty about this!

OP it's a hell of a lot more likely that you have abusive-husband depression and not PND.

Please stop discussing it with him and start discussing it with people who will support you. Women's Aid, friends, family, a counsellor - ANYONE but him. He is unreasonable and he will always turn it around to blame you and make you feel even worse.

So he is still making this your fault at every turn? No. No. No. He is not right, he is gaslighting you. Dump his sorry area.

Arse, even. Bloody autocorrect.

Just wanted to add that Dsis is in a very bad relationship, she has left and gone back to Bil many times. Each time she leaves we fully support her and will continue to do so in the hope that each time might be the one time she manages to stay away. When she goes back to him we say nothing. Not because we support her decision but we know there is no point and we do not want to isolate her. Talk to your friend and family. Good look Op

Is there any possibility that his lack of sexual interest has anything to do with you having been pregnant and given birth?

I had a friend whose marriage broke up because of his feeling about this. While she was pregnant he couldn't make love to her because she became sacred to him: too precious and vulnerable to touch. Then he witnessed the birth. The pain, the blood, the stretching of the birth canal. He had always seen her vulva as dainty. It freaked him out to the core of his being.

He knew it was pathetic but despite counselling he couldn't bear to have sex again. It may sound extreme but I've since learned that he's not that rare.

Could that possibly have any relevance to your situation?

Love, the last time you tried to leave he threatened suicide and to take the baby from you. Your family will understand why you felt you couldn't go. Please talk to them. What's this 'wilful destruction' of the house? He does this yet complains when you don't get things done? He's cruel and likes to punish you. I don't like him one little bit

You would not be feeling sexy if you had postnatal depression. Saying that is another way of making you feel belittled & unable to cope.

He's charming, isn't he?

He has come home from work. Driven by a colleague because they felt he couldn't drive himself.

I am destroying him, he has said.

I admit that as my resentment and unhappiness has built up I have not always behaved well, I have spoken to him badly. Sought more solace in wine that would be deemed either healthy or wise, although that is being rectified of late.

I feel everything is such a mess.

Oh he is a drama lama/emotionally manipulative.

Ignore him. He will make all these promises to change (or you should change), of how you are destroying him/the family/the DC. All bollocks. He destroyed it by his financially and emotionally if not abusive then unpleasant and difficult behaviour.

You are not at fault here. Be strong, liberate yourself from this pathetic human being and don't be sucked in by his woe is me behaviour.

He has said he wants to die, that our child doesn't matter as they won't remember him anyway.

That is such a despicable thing to say. To say aloud.

You are not responsible for his feelings. It's not your responsability to make him happy.

That is a despicable thing to say. Focus on that.

It reads like he knows that you are so, so close to leaving him so now he is wheeling out the big guns.

How did his colleagues know/think that he wasn't able to drive himself?