Since I got pregnant...

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I should probably name change for this but won't.

Since I got pregnant, with our tried for child my husband hasn't wanted to touch me sexually.

It happened much more quickly after we got married than we anticipated, child might as well be a honeymoon baby (we had been together some years before getting married).

My husband is 19 years older than me, I am 28. Since becoming pregnant/having the baby, our sex life has died a death. Not on my shout. I look almost exactly the same 15 months post birth as before, granted I have some stretch marks now.

We've been intimate maybe 5 times since the baby was born. Once this year. It isn't me, I want to. I miss it. I don't understand why he doesn't want me.

I almost left earlier this month but felt we could work at it. Lack of intimacy isn't the only issue but I think it is the one which will end it.

Financially I think things would be manageable, though it would be difficult to find a private rental which would take me. I did find one, went as far as paying the agency fees. But then I panicked and cancelled it.

I think he cheated because he could, because he wanted to. Not sure why he stopped.

I will speak with him again about counselling. It is difficult to have serious conversations with him because he becomes emotional and/or leaves the room, leaving much left unsaid.

The acid test on whether it's abuse or not is to ask yourself, is he unkind to lots of people or just you?
If it's just you then you know it's deliberate and he has the capacity to be nice when it serves his own interests. Like when you first met for example.

I suppose he could be having an affair. But I don't think he is. It would be easier, in a way. That he doesn't want me because he is sleeping with someone else, rather than purely being disinterested in me.

Was he ever very sexual with you?

Well on the scale of abusive behaviour, there is a lot worse out there but, honestly, the constant making out that everything is your fault is, in my view, a form of abuse. It makes you doubt yourself, it makes you walk on egg-shells, it erodes your self confidence. And as for berating you for not contributing enough financially when IT WAS AGREED you would stay home with the baby - well that's pretty poor behaviour.

Having a discussion, sensible and reasonable and mature, about how maybe it's not working out after all that you stay home because there is a lot of financial pressure now, is one thing - but to have a go at you is pretty poor I feel.

Re the lack of sex - as he must be in his mid-50s - could there be an element of ED that he can't/won't talk about?

Whatever the reasons for the lack of intimacy and his unwillingness to make any changes - is this something you want to live with long-term? You say you don't think he loves you anymore - it really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship I'm afraid.

He'a generally lovely to other people. None of his friends would believe any of this if I told them. He is widely considered to be a nice guy. I, on the other hand, am loathed by one or two of them, for merely existing.

He's mid 40's. I suppose there could be ED at play. But I don't how ignoring it is likely to make things better.

He does ignore things though, goes into ostrich mode. I'm quite pragmatic and find this difficult to deal with.

Sandy, yes he was. Pre baby there were no issues on that front.

Though with hindsight I can see that the other issues I have mentioned were around long before.

I think he cheated because he could

So what's stopping him now?
Why can't he be his usual cheating character again?

That asides - the issue is he's not interested in sex with you and it's a valid reason to leave.

It's not as simple as no sex I'm going. It's the rejection and loss of self esteem, confidence and self worth one suffers from constant rejection.

This applies to both genders. So be clear how serious an issue it is for you and your thoughts about the future.

No Navy it was before. As far as I know he hasn't cheated on me.

I was responding to someone who asked why I thought he had habitually cheated in the past. The only thing I can think of is he did it because he could.

I stay because I love him, because he has been my only significant relationship and I don't really know how to be without him.

Serial cheaters don't change that easily.

I worry too, what he might do if I leave. He has threatened to kill homself if I did so before.

I'm aware it sounds horribly shallow to consider leaving due to lack of sex.
No it's not shallow, it's a normal human need.
Neglecting you on a consistent basis when you have clearly communicated you are distressed by his lack of interest, is emotional abuse. After all, he has always had the option of being honest about his motives and ending the relationship, leaving you free to pursue other romantic options. Instead he has chosen not to, to keep you tied to him and then to not even treat you in a friendly way.
Abuse is about a pattern of behaviour over time such as what you have described, not a one-off incident.
I am using the word 'choice' here a lot deliberately.

OMG RED FLAG - he's threatened to kill himself in the past if you leave.

I know it isn't normal of him to threaten that. But I worry he would, that he might do something to himself and the baby.

There are two big red flags for emotional abuse: blaming you for everything and threatening suicide if you leave. Please read these signs of emotional abuse - you might be surprised by how many things he does.

I understand that you miss sex and that you find the rejection hurtful, but I don't understand why you'd want to have sex with him. He sounds awful.

I suggest you get some support - call Women's Aid, get counselling for yourself (not couple's counselling) and start thinking about practicalities if you do leave. Work out what you would be entitled to financially, including a share of the marital assets, child maintenance, and any benefits.

No he's never said anything about harming the baby, but when I was all geared up to go a fortnight ago, there was much muttering about taking his child away from him. Even though I'd gone to lengths to assure him we could do 50/50. It made me worry, he said it so much.

I feel foolish that, a mere week after deciding I was going to stay, cancelling the flat I had found, that I am again wondering if I should leave.

How much of the other stuff us t quite right? You are saying that he us lovely Ruth friends but that his behaviour us do so different when it's just there if you. In Which ways is he different?

My first gut feeling would be to be looking at intimacy rather than sex, aka holding hands, kissing, skin to skin contact, caresses etc.., and then starting to look at sex.
But I suspect there is no point going there if there is a lot if other issues going on where resentment is building up.
I'm Thinking about the wage stuff but I'm sure there is more to it.

He's not going to kill himself, so don't go worrying about that. That was a threat to keep you in line.

My daughter's a year younger than you and I'd be horrified if she was living with someone like this. He's withholding sex because you want it - can you see that? He blames everything on you. He's lovely with everyone else. Some of his friends hate you for existing - what the hell is that about? You say you love him and I hate to say this, but he's acting as though he hates you. He doesn't want you to work, he doesn't want you to not work. So you work part time and he says you're not bringing enough money to the table. Well, a 28 year old will very rarely earn what a 48 earns, for god's sake.

Honestly, I would be looking at a life away from this man for many, many reasons.