Since I got pregnant...

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I should probably name change for this but won't.

Since I got pregnant, with our tried for child my husband hasn't wanted to touch me sexually.

It happened much more quickly after we got married than we anticipated, child might as well be a honeymoon baby (we had been together some years before getting married).

My husband is 19 years older than me, I am 28. Since becoming pregnant/having the baby, our sex life has died a death. Not on my shout. I look almost exactly the same 15 months post birth as before, granted I have some stretch marks now.

We've been intimate maybe 5 times since the baby was born. Once this year. It isn't me, I want to. I miss it. I don't understand why he doesn't want me.

I almost left earlier this month but felt we could work at it. Lack of intimacy isn't the only issue but I think it is the one which will end it.

There isn't really any intimacy, no hand holding etc.

After the baby goes to bed, we're often not even in the same room, only really talk about the baby if we are. He isn't terribly interested in what I have to say these days, though he claims otherwise.

He takes no pride in our home, I don't mind doing more of the tidying as I am actually at home significantly more than he is. However it's almost like wilful destruction of an otherwise nice house, rather than merely leaving his shoes in the wrong place, if you see what I mean?

I think you should read this:
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/
You say this is your only significant relationship, that means you've only properly tried the hazelnut caramel. Try all the other chocolates in the box too to work out what a healthy relationship feels like. Because it's not this.
Break free, go on lots of dates, google 'healthy relationship'. You are in the prime of your life. H is heading for the hill and he's clinging on to you and what is left of his youth.

No need to Google healthy relationships - there's an excellent MN post on the topic here.

Thank you all for the advice you have given me so far. I am taking it all on board.

He doesn't respect you, he's not interested in you and I'd be wondering what he's telling his friends about you for them to dislike you inexplicably.
He's controlling your life.

Good luck Alis, you have your whole life ahead of you.

He doesn't want you to leave because that would look bad, and anyway, who would do his cooking and cleaning if he didn't have a wife at home to do it for him?

You deserve better than this. Yes, relationships go through ups and downs, especially relating to sex. But he's not only not willing to talk about it, he's blaming it entirely on you. That's neither loving nor helpful.

It's time to reclaim your life.

"I stay because I love him, because he has been my only significant relationship and I don't really know how to be without him".

His are not the actions of a loving man. How old were you when you first started dating this person?. Were you in a bad place yourself emotionally when you met him? Has he implied that you could not manage without him?.

None of those above reasons are good enough reasons to stay within this. Is this really what you want to teach your child about relationships?.

He is abusive towards you (and in turn your child) also. Abusive men are often very plausible to those in the outside world, at home its a different story entirely (as you are now seeing). Such men also use threats of suicide to bring their victims into line; its a control measure abusive men use amongst many in their arsenal. This man actually hates women, all of them.

Hi Alis,

I've just read this thread and couldn't not comment!

I'm exactly the same age as you and recently divorced from an emotionally, physically, sexually and financially abusive 'man'. (Although I didn't think he was sexually or financially abusive until after I left him.) He was also quite a bit older than me.

So many of the things you've said about your husband I could have written myself.

1. Lovely to others, a bastard to you
2. Withholding sex when you want it
3. Threatening suicide if you leave
4. Complaining that you don't contribute financially/enough
5. Coercive/making you feel guilty about 'taking his child away'

(These are just the ones I remembered off the top of my head - on my phone so can't scroll back through your posts)

Anyway, I just wanted to clarify a few things to make you realise it's NOT you, just as it was NOT me, and it was NOT the thousands of other women who question themselves every day while living with men like this...

1. He has the ability to be nice, he chooses to be a bastard to you. Never think he doesn't mean to be foul to you. He does. He knows what he's doing and why he's doing it. It's all about control
2. I bet it's a different story when he wants it isn't it? Shun his advances and see how he reacts. My ex once said to me 'treat her mean, keep her keen' and 'you always want what you can't have'. Another attempt at control.
3. Yeah my ex threatened this on numerous occasions....he's still alive unfortunately another attempt to make you feel guilty and, ultimately, control you
4. After our children I went on mat leave and was bringing in 1/4 of my usual income for 9 months while on SMP. He still forced me to contribute the same amount to rent/bills etc. Luckily I preempted this the 2nd time and had a load of savings he didn't know about. His face when he realised he wasn't draining me of all of my income, and I still had enough to go out with friend at the end of the month, was a picture. Another attempt to control.
5. Yeah he tried this too, but I LTB anyway. He has the DC 3 nights a week. Funnily enough, he spends more time with them now than he did when he lived with them.

You sound like a strong woman. you're already thinking about leaving, and I strongly suggest you do. Go back to the letting agent and see if that flat is still available. I guarantee it won't be long before you remember the person you used to be and start enjoying life and your baby again!

for you.

I'm aware it sounds horribly shallow to consider leaving due to lack of sex.

It's not just about sex though is it? The withholding of sex/affection is the outward symptom, and it is one of the ways he punishes you for 'stepping out of line' in which ever way he likes to define it.

It always comes back to something I have done/not done. And we still don't have sex.

I spent a lot of time wondering about my XH's background, childhood trauma etc. But came to no conclusions. The only thing I could get to was that as soon as our first dc was born, he decided that he should be in charge of the household and my days as an equal partner (if I ever had been in his head) were over. Therefore, if anything went wrong it was my fault; if there were disagreements then they were my fault - which he would then escalate to full-scale arguments. Especially if I wanted to 'talk' about how awful he was being to me. Everything was my fault and he was consquently always 'cross' with me. Only he wasn't just 'cross', he was contemptuous and vicious and withheld affection and any kind of kindness.

I felt I was living with someone who hated me. Because I was living with someone who hated me. He seemed to believe in some un-spoken 'Power Balance' which involved the idea that he should have way more power in the relationship and therefore all the decision-making. If I acted like I was the thinking, intelligent, forceful person I was then I got 'punishment' - which was emotional torture inflicted by the person that I loved.

Needless to say this 'Power Balance' idea was not one I signed up to. I was on the floor emotionally with two children under 3 when I gathered myself up and divorced the fucker. It was hard. The hardest thing was realising that this was the man I had married and the man I thought I had married had gone forever.

Sorry - I realise I haven't offered any thoughts to you!

My thought is that your H has, for some reason, changed or reverted back to the person he always was. He wants you to be subordinate to him and if you don't go along with that he will undermine and bully you until you toe the line. This will involve you going through no end of torment, at the hands of the person who is supposed to love you the most.

I don't think he will change. I merely think he will grind you down to the point where your confidence and self-esteem is so low, you'll be powerless to resist or leave. The only 'resistance' that is effective is to get out of the relationship, I'm afraid.

The only question is, are you leaving or is he leaving. You mentioned leaving before but why is it you and your dc moving out and not him. I know its tough, and I know you see the term 'abusive' as a bit heavy... but please get lawyered up and make proper escape plans.

Some of these responses have made for hard reading but I am grateful to everyone who took the time to post.

I feel a bit...detached from the whole situation at the moment.

Only saw him very briefly as I'm doing a stint on nights.

Yesterday started badly, he was annoyed that I hadn't done various things around the house over the weekend whilst he was away on a work trip. Granted I should have done them so he did have a point, I suppose I care a little less than I did before.

But the day was otherwise fine. Usual sort of day.

I'm sorry to say there is a certain type of man who deliberately targets women in their late teens and twenties. Their purpose is power, control and manipulation at a later stage, once they have swept them off their feet and wormed their way into their heart and their trust. They will often take steps to make the woman dependent on them, getting her pregnant, dictating when she will or will not work, making sure she knows she is not free to make decisions on spending money. It's all part of having control over "a subordinate's" life.

Simultaneously they will get a huge ego boost, knowing others admire them for attracting such a youthful partner.

These men exploit such women's youth, naivety and lack of experience in romantic relationships, as well as any strained relationships or isolation from parents or other close relatives who might otherwise alert them. Their lack of familial support makes them vulnerable, whereas in contrast, they see themselves as strong and independent.
It's a cultural problem and depressingly widespread.

Was he initially as enthusiastic as you about having a baby? Maybe it's dawned on him that he'll possibly be wanting to retire just when your 'child' is starting University and he's panicked? Are you (including him)now using contraception or is there a possibility of sex leading to another baby?

I do have family support, they were very much behind my plans to leave and I think are now quietly thinking "oh for fucks sake" since I stumbled at the final hurdle and stayed put.

No, no contraception. Because we don't have sex.

I think I was probably swept off my feet by him when we first got together. There is very much a feeling now, for me, that I have changed, and he has not. That our outlooks no longer tally.

He adores the baby but won't bother lying and saying he was fantastic from the start. He did his bit but only when I asked, during the newborn days. I found that hard. Disappointing. It's been better since around the 6 month mark.

Of late family and friends have commented that I seem different, a more muted version of myself.

I feel I have used people's good will now, for the time being at least, I can hardly turn around less than a fortnight later and say "oh actually, made a mistake there, I'm going after all, help me out".

I've been a bit silly really and feel even more trapped as a result.

Of course you can! Tell them how you are feeling. You have not been silly at all, it's a massive change and you've just taken a moment to rethink. Now you can take that step. Please do take all the help you can.

One friend knows I am having second thoughts about staying. She is of the same opinion as all of you.

It is my family I need on side for this and I fear I burnt that bridge when I backed out of leaving. If I didn't need any initial financial help I could just do it, but I do so I can't.

Good luck to you OP, I really feel for you.

I may be off the mark here, but some men have major issues around seeing women as one-dimensional categories - the whole Madonna/whore complex. The fact he went off sex the instant you got pregnant smacks of him being unable to conceive of a pregnant woman or mother as sexy. You'd crossed the boundary from one category (hot younger woman) to another (wife and mother). The fact he got together with a teenager speaks a little bit of that kind of attitude too, though obviously I don't know you and don't mean to demean your relationship.