DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

[confused0086]

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

Do any of you know if anger management works?

It doesn't matter.

You can do some research back in the UK and see what you think.

It doesn't really sound like he has a problem managing his anger.

It sounds like he has a problem managing his wife.

It sounds as if there is a cultural expectation of male dominance involved. Sadly I doubt you will find a way for him to overcome that, especially while living on home soil. Even assuming he recognises that there is an issue. If he gets wind if you leaving I suspect he will make promises to keep you there and systematically grind you down into submission. The last thing he will want is to lose face by you leaving.

tbh, i dont think they can.. it might stop for a while, but its who they are, and it eventually slips back in... only by then, you're 5yrs down the line and life has got a whole lot more complicated and more difficult.

Will he do it again
Yes sadly no doubt he will. Please please do not give him the chance. He's an abusive bully.
He knew you smoked when he got with you. If he's so anti smoking. He can fuck off and find someone else. It's your body and your health.
If you were a 6ft tall 6ft wide body builder. He wouldn't be twisting your wrist because you smoked.

Does he lose his temper and twist people's wrists in work? At the shops? In bus queues? In cafes? If the answer to this is "no", then he most definitely doesn't have an anger management problem, he has a specifically choosing to be physically abusive towards his wife problem.

No, anger management does not work on people like your current H and he does not have an anger management issue either. He can control his own self around other people, he chooses to lose all self control with you. Again, such inadequate men hate women; all of them.

Your dad was himself violent when you were growing up. He likely managed to control himself about other people (abusers as well can be very plausible to those in the outside world) but actively chose to hurt both you and your mother instead. He is still the same now as he was then.

Your husband has also grown up in a society where jealousy amongst men is something to be proud of; such unhealthy societal conditioning will not be undone at all. I fully agree that not all men in that country act like this but your man certainly feels entitled to act as he does. Enablers like your aunty further back this up and she has called you silly. She cannot be at all relied upon.

You may well also be confusing love with co-dependency (where you subvert your own needs to please a difficult person or try and get love and care from same). You really did learn an awful lot of damaging stuff about relationships when you were growing up and all that will need unlearning through counselling back in the UK. Men like this one will take a long time to recover from.

I had this idea that I could go to the U.K and tell him when I got there that he could come too and get therapy or something and then we'd be o.k. I know its silly.
And I'm not going to say anything to him. I know now that I don't really know him. I'm just really sad.

OP I don't know but thing 1 is the person has to want to change and this guy doesn't

it sounds like he chose you because he thought you'd be easy to control - the only thing to do is run for the hills. He is showing his true colours after marriage - as so many people do - because they think they've trapped the other person. This happens a LOT. They are banking on you thinking "Oh I can't give up on my marriage 2 minutes after it started".

but here's 2 examples I know of

1. Friend's husband said to her on return from honeymoon "I don't want to work anymore, I'm resigning tomorrow and looking at uni courses". She owned the house. She let him bum off her for five years before getting divorced and there was a long battle because of course, he wasn't working and tried to present himself as a hard done by SAH.

2. Acquaintance husband - she lived with him 6 years before marriage - announced after marriage that all domestics were the wife's responsiblity, all things like taking the afternoon because the boiler needed servicing etc had to be done by her because she was the little woman.

Fortunately, again, she owned the house - this one was a lot cleaner because after taking a couple of weeks to establish he wasn't kidding, she instructed a lawyer immediately and after such a short marriage he had no grounds at all to get her money...

which I'm hoping is the case here too?

No, anger management doesn't work.

I was in a similar situation, though in a different country. Didn't tell him till I was safely back in the UK so I couldn't let him change my mind.

I left after he grabbed me by the throat & threatened me, after ten years of living in fear of him. (Though I didn't admit even to myself how scared I was. Like everybody says, it just grows slowly day by day.)

I got brilliant advice & support from lots of mumsnetters, and they were right. Discovered later that he'd broken his previous partner's ribs. Not hitting her, but pushing her into a table. He'd had anger management treatment after that but it didn't stop him repeating the pattern with me.

I'm really sorry OP, but I don't think such men can change. They're programmed, just as some of us are programmed to respond if we're not very careful. Please don't say anything to him, just make your plans quietly and calmly and get as far away from him as you can, as soon as possible.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Look forward now, not back. Good luck

Unfortunately it's not anger problems.
It's in built women hating, misogynistic, abusive traits and behaviours.
They take years and years to undo and the majority of people just can't change. It's proven not to work no matter how hard they try.
Get away.
Stop trying to save this somehow.
There is no coming back from what he has done.
Get here.
Work on you and getting counselling etc....
You'll soon start to understand the type of person your 'D'H is.
If you can get away tomorrow that would be a good thing.
But make sure you plan properly.
Don't put yourself in danger.
And believe us all reading this, that you are in danger with this creature!

You don't have to work it all out right this minute. You do need to get safely away. When you're back, you can work through things - there are books you can read about why he behaves like this and what are the prospects of him changing. Distance is great for getting perspective.

One step at a time. The first step is to get safe, and you can work out the next bit later on.

Its totally fine to be sad OP. Its a sad situation. This not how you wanted your marriage to turn out. However, it would be a whole lot sadder for you to waste your life, and put yourself in danger, staying with a man like this. Be sad, be angry. Feel whatever you're feeling. No-one expects you to be Superwoman over this. But get yourself out of there and to safety tomorrow

lorelei76 He has no rights to my money or anything I own, its against our religion and in our marriage contract too. So one less thing to worry about.

TheSquatLobster I'm so glad you got away and are safe. You just made me remember something he said last night about his ex, he said she disrespected him and that's why they broke up but previously he had said she dumped him when his business failed. I wonder what actually happened.

I spoke to my auntie, she said I'm being silly.

I was afraid of this sort of response.

He's isolated you, he's controlling and now he's assaulted you. The only silly thing would be expecting it to ever be better than this with him.

Chilling story OP.

3 months into marriage and he's being controlling and violent towards you.

He's got you to his home country, he wants you pregnant asap. That is because he knows you will be trapped - it will be very difficult for you to leave the country with his child.

Get on a plane back to the UK asap. This can get much, much worse. It's not a one-off, behaviour like that never is. I suspect you've fallen for the persona he put on - now you're married, the mask is slipping. I suspect you don't know the real him at all, and you won't want to hang around to find out who he really is.

I wonder what actually happened
I could have a good guess.
She disrespected him - in his eyes anyway.
So he got violent with her and she dumped and ran away.
Is there any way you can contact her?

Your Auntie does not have your best interests at heart!
She, no doubt, thinks you should put up and shut up.
Just like he does.

The PP summed it up nicely.
Chilling - it really is chilling reading.

HE engineered that fight. Deliberately to hurt you and dominate you.

I spent 3 years in Egypt with a man I met and lived with in London. He went native the minute he'd got me there. Made my life a living hell.

Your auntie isn't going to make ripples, she's as in it up to her neck as the rest of them.

She could even warn your H.

Make IMMEDIATE plans to go. Grab the bare minimum and just go.

Abusers and people raised like him to hate women manufacture their anger to attack those they need to dominate.

This is the most dangerous time of your life right now, Be under no illusion.

I agree that anger management won't "fix" him. His problem isn't even anger, it's an intrinsic cultural belief to do with a husband's dominance over his wife. You can't change him into an enlightened Western man because he isn't one.

Please, you have to leave, GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW

Is there any chance of your aunt warning him?

I had this idea that I could go to the U.K and tell him when I got there that he could come too and get therapy or something and then we'd be o.k. I know its silly.
And I'm not going to say anything to him. I know now that I don't really know him. I'm just really sad.

I understand that and I think it's fine to have that idea. But keep it as an idea for now - get out and get home to a country and culture where you're safe. You can then consider your options. Perhaps because he's in that culture now he's behaving that way but could be different if you lived here? Unlikely I feel but if it makes you feel better to think that way for now go ahead. You need to get away from that culture & him asap

This is your best chance to get away. Leave and communicate through solicitors. He will never accept its wrong no matter how much anger management he has as he doesn't believe he's wrong to assault his wife. You're supposed to know your place. You are his possession. If you give him another chance he has ** to punish you for daring to leave. A twisted wrist would be nothing.

** in his mind.

I disagree with this: "You can't change him into an enlightened Western man because he isn't one." The bit about not being able to change him is right, but as if all "Western" men are enlightened! This relationship board and Women's Aid and half of the police could shut down immediately if that were so. Belief in men's superiority doesn't belong to one culture, very unfortunately, but to nearly all.

Best of luck, my lovely, you CAN do it, and get back to people who want to protect and respect you rather than grind you down.

I came back to this thread and in honestly in awe of your bravery.

Everyone is right- get away and get some perspective.

Good luck. You're magnificent and he doesn't deserve you.

Thanks OP. It hasn't been easy, but I know I did the right thing. Once I had decided to leave I didn't think about anything except getting away safely.

It hit my confidence badly at the time - the longer you're in a relationship like this, the more it wears away at you & you think it's your fault - but I had counselling with a brilliant local (UK) group similar to Women's Aid and that helped me understand a lot about how we find ourselves in relationships like this (despite being certain that it could never happen to us).

I'd certainly recommend you do the same at some time in the future, but don't think too much about it at the moment, just shut the thoughts & feelings away for now and concentrate on the practicalities of getting back to the UK.

also take pictures of any bruising in case you need to involve the police