DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

[confused0086]

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

[PapaverSomniferum]

Sorry to see the OP hasn't come back (not that she's in any way obliged to update, just that she was posting a lot before).

If you're still reading, I hope you got back to the UK safely and he didn't manage to stop you at the last minute, Confused.

[Mrdarcyswife]

Hey Op
Are you safe?
I hope you get that lap top fixed and when you are ready can update.

You have been so brave.
Wishing you well in your new life

[Purplebluebird]

Hope you are safe confused.

[ptumbi]

OP - so are you still in Africa? I'm just concerned that in a few days time, when your brother has heard the facts and he is a man after all and might have his own spin on it, and your dh has been on the phone (crying) and you are starting to 'come down'; from the adrenaline, that you will start thinking 'it wasn't so bad' and minimising and 'missing him' and softening. And then you go back, and it is ok for a while until it starts again...

At least if you were in UK you would be a further step removed. Please read this thread again if you start wavering.

[Memoires]

Ah, have a wonderful time catching up wuth your brother. When they're good, they're very very good, big brothers!

Hope you get your laptop up and running soon, and back to work. A bit of actual normality is very grounding (someone once told me that green shoes were grounding, funnily enough I did find that they were! Autosuggestion, placebo, who cares?!).

[Hissy]

Well done you! Make sure he can't contact you again, for any reason.

[bibliomania]

Oh well done, well done OP! So pleased and relieved for you. I do take your point that he's not necessarily a bad person in himself, but childhood conditioning creates very powerful default expectations and it sounds like he's not prepared to question himself and work on himself enough to challenge those defaults.

[SabineUndine]

Let us know once you're back, please!

[Purplebluebird]

So glad to see your last update! Hope the rest of your trip goes well, and no more delays

[Pandamanda3]

Phewww thanks for coming on op that is just great, I am soooooo pleased your on route home to happiness. 😉
You did do the right thing hunny honestly, don't ever doubt it, you are an inspiration you don't realise how much so!
Forget the grovel's the none sence sorry's just wish him well & close the book.

Your gonna be just fine, you've taught me a thing or two sharing your situation with us, and I think your wonderful.

So you go and you enjoy your time with your brother.
If your feeling overwhelmed when it all sinks in do come back on so we can all remind you of what a GOOD move you made!

Take care big hugs x

[AdoraBell]

Well done confused, glad your brother helped.

Hope your second flight isn't delayed for long and that you arrive soon.

[Footle]

And the answer to the question in your thread title , dear Confused, is No, he won't get the chance !

[nilbyname]

Op! Amazing.

Have an inflight drink cx

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

OP, you've done the right thing. There will no doubt be times in the future when you might look back and think that you overreacted. Remember the stories on this thread - you didn't overreact. My dh of too many years to remember has never grabbed any part of me out of anger or to try to control me. Not ever.

Good luck

[Libitina]

Onwards and upwards OP

[confused0086]

Hi everyone, I'm in the departure lounge waiting for my second flight, will be out the country very soon. Flights been delayed but really everything's went pretty smoothly today and apart from 1 grovelling text I've not seen or heard H. I'm going to go and stay with my brother for a bit. We've hardly seen each other in the last few years so will be nice.
I feel o.k. I'm sad but I know it's not the end of the world. I've been through worse. I know it was better to do it now. Yesterday I thought that the quicker it was over the quicker I'd get over it. That's my new mantra. I'm going to sort out counselling. And quit smoking, because I want to, not because I was told to : )
jaffacakes thats so awful, I hope you and your DCs are happy now x
panda really good advice, thank you. I asked my DB to tell H that a relative in the U.K was ill, I didn't know he would say otherwise. O.K in the end though.

Need to get my laptop fixed asap so I can get back to work so won't be on here until then. I can feel it's going to croak soon. I am safe now though, thank you all again!

[jaffacakesaremyfave]

I just wanted to say confused what an incredibly brave and strong women you are. I wish I had your strength so many years ago.

I married an African man when I was 18 and fell pregnant almost immediately (we lived in the uk and I am British).

The violence and abuse escalated as soon as I fell pregnant and became worse each time (3DS later). I stayed for 6 years, each time I left he would always manage to convince me to come back as I was so isolated and overwhelmed with the children.

He was convicted of assault after giving our eldest DS (4 at the time) a black eye when he pounced on me for answering him back and accidentally elbowed him in the eye.

He went to a domestic violence course but couldn't accept he had done anything wrong. He believes to the core of who he is that because he is a man he has the right to control his wife, no matter how far he has to go to make that happen. It's so painful to accept that the person you thought you loved isn't the man you thought they were.

It's even more painful to watch your children cry as you get beaten and watch their father get arrested, too young to understand and torn in loyalty.

I can promise you you are saving your future self from so much anguish by getting out now. Having children with a man like this is truly soul destroying as even after you leave the abuse will continue through your children and during visitation.

You are doing the right thing, he will never change and will never truly be sorry.

[Dinah85]

Been following, another who is really looking forward to hearing you're safely back home.

[Allatseainthemidlands]

Please let us know when you've landed safely OP- we are all thinking of you

[USbound]

Well done your DB and it seems men respond to men and your family are on your side. You need them to stay that way when you get back.
I think pandas advice about piping into your local police station is a great one.
Expect to crash and worry you've done the wrong thing when you get back, but fingers crossed you'll be supported by your family who are all like your brother

[notapizzaeater]

Glad you got away - hope you slept on the plane

[Lessthanaballpark]

OP how was your flight? Fingers crossed everything went to plan

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I hope it went well today. 3am! Woof.

[TheMaddHugger]

Mega soft ((((((((((Hugs confused0086 ))))))))))))).

Check in when you can, I know these folks worry.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Good luck today OP.
You have been quick to save yourself and well done to your DB for helping.