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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

311 replies

confused0086 · 16/09/2016 10:49

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

OP posts:
Allatseainthemidlands · 16/09/2016 11:18

So sorry you are going through this. But some men do wait until they marry and then feel they have rights of ownership and control- I've personally known a couple of women for whom trouble only started after the wedding.
I have to agree with others- it's abusive, violent, controlling, aggressive behaviour and it won't improve. Do not give him the chance to hit or hurt you a second time. Get good legal advice. Get it now. And get out while you can.

Goldenhandshake · 16/09/2016 11:18

I would be inclined to say this a mere glimpse into what he is really like, and it will quite likely escalate over the years and his aggression and violence will get worse. Please leave him, don't give him the chance to do it, or worse, again.

Original poster
confused0086 · 16/09/2016 11:18

In our culture the man is the boss. He told me he wasn't like that. I believed him. I don't think I know him now. Last night he said let's just forget it and I said ok but I can't

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 16/09/2016 11:19

Yes he has already displayed controlling behaviour, when he indicated earlier that he wanted you to stop smoking.

Whatever contraception you're using, double it and add padlocks. Take the pill on the quiet, whatever you have to do to avoid tying yourself for life to this inadequate little twat.

Original poster
confused0086 · 16/09/2016 11:20

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice

OP posts:
Vagndidit · 16/09/2016 11:20

He's showing you who he truly is. Believe him.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 16/09/2016 11:21

My Dad hit me and my Mum for years, I will never put up with that. He knows that.

No, you're wrong. What he knows is that you come from a background where abusive husband/abused wife (and even you!) is the norm. You can say what you like, but he knows he can get away with it.

Prove him wrong.

PickAChew · 16/09/2016 11:21

He's a grade A tosser.

He might not hurt your wrist again.

He might burn you with your cigarette.

He might punch you.

He might push you, maybe down the stairs.

Insisting that you give up smoking, while refusing to, himself, and hurting you while trying to impose his will on you , is not the actions of a reasonable, rational, loving husband who is unlikely to ever hurt you again.

Buzzardbird · 16/09/2016 11:21

He's got you now (he thinks), don't let him get you pregnant and make your plans to leave.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/09/2016 11:22

Let's just forget it!

Now he's telling you what to think, how to feel and dictating how you act again. So much for turning over a new leaf.

Wileycoyote · 16/09/2016 11:23

Please do get out. I hardly ever post but I had a similar experience and it got worse and my self confidence and sanity nosedived before I finally left when he frightened me so badly I though he was going to kill me in front of my two very young children.

Original poster
confused0086 · 16/09/2016 11:24

We arent using contraception he wants a baby asap. That's why I joined mumsnet because I don't know anything about babies. I thought he was my soulmate. I thought soulmates was a load of rubbish until I met him. Perhaps I was right. I can't get contraception

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/09/2016 11:24

Have you smoked again in his presence since he hurt you? Or have you started policing your own behaviour to avoid him attacking you again?

PickAChew · 16/09/2016 11:24

You need to come back to the UK.

Even if you don't, yet, you need to make sure you know where your passport is and that he can't get hold of it because he will "lose" it. Don't let him know you are doing this.

twofingerstoGideon · 16/09/2016 11:25

Whatever contraception you're using, double it and add padlocks. Take the pill on the quiet, whatever you have to do to avoid tying yourself for life to this inadequate little twat.

Completely agree with Morris. A lot of abusive men really up the ante when children come along. Separation is much more difficultonce children are involved, particularly if you intend to return to the UK. LTB and do it sooner rather than later.

Cherryskypie · 16/09/2016 11:26

This will get worse. Would you leave him?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/09/2016 11:27

You must stop having sex until you can get hold of some contraception in light of what has happened.

If he is genuinely repentant, he will have no problem at all with that.

If you are a pet to be owned and controlled then he will have a very very big problem with that.

Can you get back to the UK easily?

MostlyHet · 16/09/2016 11:27

Are you in a country where access to abortion and contraception are restricted? Or is it a small community where you know women's medical confidentiality isn't respected and the doctor will tell your husband you've been to ask about contraception? The more you say, the more I think your only option is to get on the earliest plane back to the UK that you can get tickets for. Do you have access to money and your passport?

Madinche1sea · 16/09/2016 11:29

OP - violence is not acceptable in any culture. Yes it happens, but "culture" should never be used as an excuse for individual actions.

My DH was raised in a a male-orientated culture, but would never hurt me, even in self- defence. I know that. You can't live in fear like this.

MorrisZapp · 16/09/2016 11:30

Do you not have access to medical care? If you start down this route you'll be tied for life to whatever medieval woman hating place you're in now. Get out.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/09/2016 11:32

This is just the beginning. If you have been long distance for most of your relationship then it's really only now that you're going to start to see the real him.
Get of there.

magoria · 16/09/2016 11:32

You have been married 3 months.

Now that he believes he has you trapped he can show his true nature. The one he had to hide because you wouldn't have married him if you had known about it.

Now he can show that he thinks he has the right to do what he wants, tell you what to do then be aggressive and physically assault you if you do not do what he says.

Get yourself on contraception before you are further trapped and start your plans to get away from him.

3 months in and the physical stuff has started. I don't believe it will get better if you stay.

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/09/2016 11:32

This WILL happen again. And again. And again.

Every time will be worse than the time before.

Every time will be followed by apologies (and even tears) and promises that there will be no more violence ever.

It is a lie. Get out while you can still walk, and before you have children who will also become victims of this aggressive, controlling man.

Normally I would never tell someone what I think they should do - just point out the options and let them make their own decisions - but I have seen this happen, I have been in a family where this has happened, and IT DOES NOT STOP.

frenchfancy · 16/09/2016 11:33

Plane back to the UK - NOW. If you get pregnant you will be trapped.

Original poster
confused0086 · 16/09/2016 11:34

Is there any way this is fixable? I don't want my marriage to be over! But I'm not staying married to someone who is going to be horrible to me. I need to get out for some fresh air. I don't want my lovely husband to actually be a bastard. Yes, I have smoked in front of him since, he didn't say or do anything. I've got my passport, I just hid it. Yes I would leave.

OP posts: