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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

311 replies

confused0086 · 16/09/2016 10:49

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2016 15:01

You think you sound crazy because he has sent you that way.
If my OH came back with a kitten I'd kill him!
I'd probably look after the kitten after killing the OH to be honest!
You already know, same as we do, that the right thing to do, is leave, and fast...!
There are so so many red flags you have chosen to ignore here.
Not least, I suspect, because of your upbringing.
WHEN you get back to the UK, please contact Womens Aid.
They can help you with local support services and also do their Freedom Programme so you can avoid these kind of abusive men in the future.
This really is down to your upbringing.
You will have very different boundaries to most people due to what you went through. None of it is your fault!
So when you get back you do need to address this.
I seriously hope you don't 'talk' to him.
I can just see the way this will go if you do.
Makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Get back home soon and get working on yourself and your better, brighter life away from abuse.

Original poster

confused0086 · 16/09/2016 15:04

I'm not going to say anything to him. I know you're all right. I think I'll leave him a letter when I go

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 16/09/2016 15:07

Post the letter. Get yourself on plane and out of there before you send him a letter - leave him no chance to catch up with you before you are out of the country.

StVincent · 16/09/2016 15:07

You know what, I wouldn't give him any indication that you're going until you're right out of the country. I don't know what the laws are like in the country you're in, but it sounds like they might be of the sort that believes a husband can just go and get his wife back if she runs off.

Leave the country, come back to the UK, then email him if you must.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2016 15:08

I hope you do get away from him.
Not too much info in the letter.
Just the bare minimum.
Don't give him anything he can come back with to 'improve' on.
It'll be another way to reel you back in otherwise.

VestalVirgin · 16/09/2016 15:08

Better send him a letter when you are safely in the UK. Things go wrong and if there's a letter, he knows you want to leave.

DoinItFine · 16/09/2016 15:09

No letter until you are safe back in the UK.

DoinItFine · 16/09/2016 15:10

PS you are being incredibly strong

We get that you are all over the place emotionally.

ImperialBlether · 16/09/2016 15:12

Don't give him a letter - send one once you're out of the country.

MinnieF1 · 16/09/2016 15:13

Is he excessively jealous? Does he check your phone, criticise you, mock you or generally disrespect you?

I know you say this is the first incident, but if you have a look at this webpage and think back, you may recognise that the relationship is abusive in other ways. Very rarely does an event like this happen in a relationship which isn't already abusive. Remember, psychological, emotional, financial and sexual abuse are as important as physical abuse.

This is the link: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Send the letter once you're back in the uk and safe. You don't want to risk him finding it before you've left.

Good luck op.

Original poster

confused0086 · 16/09/2016 15:14

I don't need contraception, I'm not going to have sex. And I'm not going to my aunties. I'm just trying to figure out a route to the airport. Traveline would be very useful here! I do have different boundaries, And I didn't realise that until today. But I'm not going to choose to be unhappy, life's too short. If someone had told me that he would behave like that I never would have believed them. But he has and there's a whole part of him I don't know and I don't want to.

OP posts:

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/09/2016 15:15

Kittens - the perfect blackmail material . . . until, of course you have a baby> Would I be right in thinking "Especially if it's a girl"? . . .

magoria · 16/09/2016 15:21

A kitten?

Closest he can get to a baby right now to tie you down.

Glad you see through it.

Sorry it has gone ties up so fast. Good luck.

StVincent · 16/09/2016 15:21

You're amazing OP, seriously I am in awe. Look at you, determined to break the cycle.

Lottapianos · 16/09/2016 15:21

OP, you are amazing. Not many people can pull themselves together and make a decision to leave so soon after being assaulted, despite the fear and the guilt. I'm sorry that your auntie has let you down so very badly. Sometimes you just have to be there for yourself. I agree with the others - post a letter or email him when you are safely back in the UK, not before.

Good luck and well done for standing up for yourself and your happiness. We are all behind you x

Original poster

confused0086 · 16/09/2016 15:23

Thank you for the link MinnieF1 he's very jealous but doesn't do any of the other things you mention. Jealousy is something many men are proud of here, he knows I hate it though so mostly keeps it to himself.

I'll send the letter when I'm in the U.K, I hadn't thought about that properly.
I think I'm only being strong because if I cry hysterically, which is what I want, my nosey neighbours will hear. But I suppose it's for the best!

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 16/09/2016 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elephantfeet · 16/09/2016 15:26

Run and never go back. Why why why does he think it's ok for him to smoke and not you? He is a controlling abusive man and he won't change no matter what he promises.

bibliomania · 16/09/2016 15:26

You're doing really well, confused. Lots of chances to cry on the plane (while downing a strong g&t, if that's your thing).

Goingtobeawesome · 16/09/2016 15:32

Delete your online history.

Can you trust your auntie? Did he go out after you spoke to her?

I'm absolutely convinced if you want to leave first thing there will be mumsnetters who could map your journey for you if needed and help you. There are thousands of posters with a wealth of knowledge.

Original poster

confused0086 · 16/09/2016 15:49

Goingtobeawesome he's been out since early this morning. I don't actually know my auntie that well. I thought she'd help though but nevermind. I found out on a backpacking forum that there's a bus to a city with an airport. If he goes to play football tomorrow I can go.

I cant believe I'm going to leave him. I do love him.
Do any of you know if anger management works? If he genuinely believes that this is not acceptable and wants to change could he? Can people stop being like this?

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 16/09/2016 15:53

You love the man you thought he was. He has just shown you who he really is. And I'm sure you love yourself a whole lot more

Even if someone told you that he 'could' change, why would you take the risk OP? Is your freedom and independence and bodily integrity worth so little? I understand that you're in shock and you can't quite believe this is happening to you, but you are doing so brilliantly. KEEP GOING. Follow through with your plan. Make your way back to the UK tomorrow. You will be so glad you did x

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 16/09/2016 15:54

In this case I think you just put yourself in more danger of you try to suggest he needs help. He has already shown so many signs of being abusive and has been so. Please don't risk your life for this man. Get out. You are doing so well. Don't stop now.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 16/09/2016 15:54

Deux · 16/09/2016 15:54

Just make sure you know where the nearest British Consul/Commission/Embassy is.

In a crisis you could flee there and be safe.

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