DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

[mrstimothyclaypole]

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

When I met DH I was a size 16. I have been as big as a size 20. At the moment I am a 14 and feel really skinny. He seems to, and I have grilled him about it as well, find me attractive whatever size I am. He used to get annoyed with me about it because he said it felt like I thought he must be shallow. He reversed the question and made it about him and I was all 'Of course I wouldn't find you less attractive' (He puts weight on himself and loses it).

I do think he is in a minority of men but that is because I have had several men tell me I have a lovely face but would be more attractive if I lost weight. I had one boyfriend tell me a particular position in bed would be easier if I lost weight (now I know he had a small dick and he was insecure about himself but I was young at the time ). I think it does matter to many men and they have no dea how hurtful it is to women. But men often separate sex from love in their mind and women often don't.
I would be really hurt too and I would think there was more to it than just this. You are not really overweight. It would make me question how solid his love really is. BUT- he didn't say he doesn't love you and you did push him for an answer about sex. I think the question is did he really tell you the truth or give you an answer that is easiest for him to blame it on rather than a deeper answer which might make him have to confront some issues about himself.