DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

[mrstimothyclaypole]

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

OP, I would put money on it having nothing at all to do with your attractiveness, and a lot to do with the possible ASD diagnosis. Some men cannot handle a problem they can't 'fix'. My ex left me for someone else a week after the diagnosis. This is not about you. It is all about his failings and shortcomings. Do not allow him to project his feelings of failure on to you. Tell him to read the Autism Dad Letter To Fathers Who Leave (Google it). Do not listen to the utter medieval shite that mama is spouting. This is all about him. Not you.

I still really don't understand.

If my husband put on weight, I would ask him to lose it.

If I put on weight, I would expect him to react.

I don't understand how that is man pleasing, since it works both ways. Don't you want to look good for your partner? Don't you want your partner to look good for you?

Yes I want to please my husband, and yes, he wants to please me. What's wrong with that?

I don't understand where the offense is??? Your weight is not something permanent, or something that defines your identity, or something that gives you any pleasure or benefit. He hasn't said he doesn't love you. After much pressuring, he told you what was on his heart/mind, that intimacy is harder for him because of your weight. So lose the weight. You are concerned about intimacy, and he has told you what he needs for intimacy.

I can assure you, 99% of men are thinking what he's thinking but are not brave enough to say it because of the reaction they get. Men are visual creatures and they want their wives to be attractive. Whatever you think of that is down to you, right or wrong, but it's the truth.

I would expect nothing less if it was the other way round i.e. if my husband had put on weight.

Please don't throw your marriage away over him being honest with you about his sexual needs...

Sorry OP have just seen your new message.

So since the porn incident you've felt a disconnect, like you can't trust him? And now you're feeling you're having to compete with the 20 somethings in porn. If that's still on your mind I can 100% see why it would upset you, because then it's not about heavier you and lighter you, it's about you and other women. and of course that's upsetting.

I totally get what you mean about fancying him for himself, but to be honest I really think men are quite different when it comes to that.

Mama

Have you actually read the OP's posts? Specifically the one where she said when she was size 12, 7 years younger and shaved he still wasn't interested in intimacy? Him being honest about his sexual needs has nothing to do with the OP's weight and everything to do with her husband being a wanker, literally.

I really really really would recommend this book. It completely transformed my marriage in terms of how men see sex. it might help in this situation

www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1601424442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471654066&sr=8-1&keywords=shaunti+feldhahn

Boogers

To me it would totally depend if he was still watching porn or not.

It's not just about his sexual needs, though, is it mama? It is about the possibility that their child may be diagnosed with ASD and he is freaking out and unable to properly express why. I am an attractive woman. I am not short of male attention. But in the weeks between our paediatrician suggesting an evaluation of autism and the diagnosis itself, my ex became increasingly withdrawn and ended up shagging someone else. It was his issue. He couldn't handle having a son who didn't quite fit with his expectations. I am smart, pretty, slim - in fact, I am awesome and so is my son. Your comments are outdated, unsympathetic and utterly irrelevant.

Mama the sort of bloke who moans about weight is also the sort of bloke who would moan about skin that isnt completely taut after weight loss.

And no you cant excsersise it off. Ive had idiots say that you can and my doctor called them bloody fools when i told him. Ive not got a lot of it......just a little on my stomach.

The OP has not changed at all. One dress size is nothing.

And if someone came on here and said their husband was turned on by larger women and wanted her to gain 8 stone would you tell her to mainline Dominos and Ben + Jerrys until she got up to the size that would turn her husband on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never said it was all about his sexual needs. I just said that he had communicated a particular need, and why, as someone who loves him, and it being within reason, would you not want to accommodate it? I now understand why because she is still concerned that he's hooked on porn, which is totally different because thinking you're being compared to other women is obviously very very upsetting.

I'd put money on it that he is.

OP, take advice from Jess, she's obviously been in a similar situation to yourself and understands the projection of guilt and blame with a diagnosis like this. I honestly do not believe he simply doesn't fancy you as a size 14. There's more to it. No one can be that shallow.

MamaMotherMummy Sat 20-Aug-16 01:58:54
I never said it was all about his sexual needs. I just said that he had communicated a particular need, and why, as someone who loves him, and it being within reason, would you not want to accommodate it

So the answer to this question is yes then.

And if someone came on here and said their husband was turned on by larger women and wanted her to gain 8 stone would you tell her to mainline Dominos and Ben + Jerrys until she got up to the size that would turn her husband on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No because I don't think that's within reason. That would affect your health in a negative way.

Anyway I misread it and that is not the issue here, as others have said. It's about the potentially ongoing porn issue...

No its not the issue but its not been the issue since the first post and you still felt the need to reproduce a 1950s issue of Womans Own.

Gaining a dress size and a half after carrying two babies is perfectly normal. And honestly from what you've said, I think it's just a useful excuse for him.

I'd tell him the porn has to stop altogether if he wants your marriage to survive. But really it may be time to evaluate whether you both want the same things?

OP you're gorgeous and lovely. I'm so sorry your dp has hurt you in this way. The fact that he didn't realise the problem was his and that he needed to give his head a wobble speaks volumes.

But if it is generally a 'great marriage' as the OP has said, this is no grounds to throw it away! At all!

Since it's obvious everyone thinks I'm BU I've just asked my DH for his opinion.

He said basically:

• men marry a woman they find attractive
• she may later become less attractive to him, depending on his 'type' or preferences (Which is the same as me, of course, like if he put on weight I would find him much less attractive)
• that will not affect how much he loves her
• but it will affect him emotionally, because he is wondering why she doesn't care about being attractive to him anymore
• he wants to keep the sex, romance and spark of dating alive in some form, even when been married a long time
• he should be prepared for her body to change a lot because of having children
• he should keep himself fit and healthy, and support her in doing that as well, if she wants/needs it

But i'm still very much struggling to understand why the OP would think the relationship is over if they have an otherwise great marriage... unless this is about the porn and the OP feeling like that really isn't over... what is it really about? because surely an honest admission from your otherwise great husband that weight you've put on doesn't suit you, doesn't equal the end of the road? I just don't understand. I'm trying to but I honestly don't.

Mama you and your DH sound VERY well matched!!!

I don't understand how you don't understand that it has nothing to do with weight or looks or dress size and everything to do with him projecting his issues (whatever they may be) onto the OP. It's not her, it's him.

I want to stop posting now because I don't think I'm expressing myself very well but all I've been trying to say is...

Just because our partner finds us more or less attractive at different times and is honest about how that is affecting them has NO bearing on how much they love us accept us and value us as people.

There are deeper issues at play in this situation and I haven't been maybe as sensitive as I should have been but ultimately this woman's DH is one of the most important people in her life and I think trying to understand where he's coming from is much better for him and for her than coming out and condemning him.

Mama, what you're describing is the brief superficial connection of a one night stand, not the emotional connection of a long term relationship/ marriage where you have children together.

Sure he couldn't possibly be gay?

No, it isn't! You can still be in love with someone and notice when they are more attractive/less attractive, and that have a bearing on how much you sexually desire them, without changing one bit how much you love them.

Anyway as I said I'm going to stop now.

You don't know that's the case for the OP. Sometimes an arsehole is just an arsehole. As PP have said it sounds very much like he is projecting all his own issues onto her and this behaviour is not a recent thing. You haven't really engaged with what she's talked about at all beyond your superficial concern about her weight. It's not her fault that he has a problem with her. And yet you think she should bend over backwards to make herself more attractive.

His love of porn is still the problem here. He still sees women as objects, objects that do not age, sag, show signs of childbirth. This is not about losing attraction. It's about losing the sense of you as an object. He can't love the real you because he wants a doll. It's definitely not you, it's him.

I think a mismatched libido is the problem here not a few pounds.

Having said that I would be devastated and deeply insulted if my dh put on weight.

I find it gross/unhealthy.

But I also know that it can be a sign of emotional distress and so I would want to get to the root of what's wrong rather than criticise the weightgain per se.