DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

[mrstimothyclaypole]

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

How short is very very short? At 5'4 if I'm a size 14 I'm overweight.

It's difficult going off clothes sizing though, this site shows how vastly different women of the same clothing size can look www.mybodygallery.com/

Im a size 14 (a fitted 12 around the waist) Im an hourglass. My DH had a low libido years ago and me losing 10 stone DID NOT CHANGE THAT.

He is disabled now He is 66 (23 years my senior) and he has gained a lot of weight around the middle. Im not shallow about it though.

After the weight loss and after no intimacy for 7 years i had a long term affair.

Size 14 is not huge If someone called me huge to my face after all the effort ive gone to id knock their fucking block off!

I went from 21 stone down to 11 stone. Im not putting my before + after photos on here but they ARE on my twitter account.

DH wasnt and isnt into porn..........just to clarify.

I know you won't want to hear this but my xhb did this to me a few months before he dumped me for good. I straight away went on a diet (I was young and insecure, this makes me sick now to think of it) but this still didn't improve our lovelife. He had a porn addiction too, specifically hentai (Japanese comic porn, tiny doll-like girls when I was a curvy size 12) and I now realise it was that, not what size I was.

I'm afraid I don't see how you can get past this, OP, as the problem is him, not you

HelenaDove how did you lose all that weight?
Sheer will power?

Slimming world. I did regain 4 stone after a few years which i have lost again but its taken the last 3 years to lose this.

The 10 stone took 18 months but i was younger then. I also got gallstones. Doctors told me it was from losing weight too quickly . I lost the first seven stone in seven months.

I know I'm going to get jumped all over for saying this but lots of posters are really minimising the issue of weight gain in this thread. Two stone isn't 'a few pounds', it's 28 pounds to be exact. If OP is say, for instance, 5'5 that takes her into the 'overweight' category for BMI. So I don't think this can be dismissed out of hand.

Oh c'mon. Post kids my BMI is about 26/27 which is in the "overweight" category. I'm a size 14. I look pretty average tbh.

So it's insane to suggest that could = so sexually repellent that you're essentially unfuckable to the man who's meant to love you the most of anyone.

lucky it depends how the weight is gained and the body shape of the woman as to how she looks.

2 women weighing the exact same, with the same height and in the healthy range could look very different and could easily wear different sized clothes.

If one of those women had small breasts but carried their weight around their thighs and arse but the other had larger breasts but carried the weight more evenly its not impossible for one to wear a size 14 bottom and a 10 on top and the other to be a straight up 12.

My weight has stayed the same for months but I'm wearing a size 16 now instead of the 18/20 jeans I wore last year. That's down to an increase in muscle mass from my 4mile daily walks and running. I could crack nuts with my thighs.

The pic is helpful for visualising what fat and muscle look like and why the same weight and height can easily present very different body shapes and dress sizes.

so its not that simple. that 2 stone could be down to increase in muscle mass but the woman could still look healthy and not actually be fat.

I think he's using it as an excuse too I'm afraid,2 stone isn't an enormous amount.
My last relationship was very volatile and my ex was a complete dick but I went up 3 dress sides and put on 5 stone over 5 years and it never affected our sex life

My DH and I both tend to yo-yo quite a bit weight-wise. His weight has varied by around 15kg (lightest to heaviest) in the 8 years we've been together, and mine by about 12kg.
This has never affected how much we fancy each other and want to have sex with each other. Well, certainly not on my side and there's been no indication on his either. I love him and I'm in love with him, therefore I want to have sex with him and a slightly bigger or smaller tummy is neither here no there.
If he put on an enormous amount of weight I might be concerned for his health or state of mind but I wouldn't go off him.
I feel sad for people in relationships where their physical attraction to their partner is so tenuous that it can be killed by a couple of stone weight gain.

I'm back from work, just checking in then got to sort the kids out. We've not spoken yet, but he did text me earlier and said that he knows he has a fucked up perspective and that the problem is with him, not me.

Like someone said up thread, he can't put that genie back in the bottle. He can't un say what he said. I don't know what to do with this at all.

I've eaten literally nothing all day, my head is banging and I have never wanted to come home less in my life.

Interesting that someone mentioned hentai, I don't think he is into that, but his 'type' before me was Asian/Thai/Chinese women. This has always made me feel pretty insecure. I am not tiny, or delicate, I wasn't even when we met.

Thank you to all that have posted so far, my mum is on holiday at the moment so have no one in rl to talk about it with, it's really helpful to have you all to discuss with.

You don't have to do anything.

Look after yourself and your children, be nice to yourself and wait to see what he's going to do to make things as right as they can be between you now.

And then see if it's enough.

The onus is all on him.

Oh yuck at these vile men wanking over comic pictures deliberately drawn to look like images of children / dolls.

Fucking perverts. You would think if you had that fetish, that you'd realise there's something not right about it and go and get some fucking therapy.

I think it's over because of his sexual issues.

mrstimothyclaypole understandably you're poleaxed by what he's said, but do you feel there is any way you can recover from this? When is your mum back from holiday?

This is your DH's problem. Not yours. Being a size 14 after birthing three children is good! You are hardly overweight, if at all. There is nothing wrong with you.

I honestly don't know if I, or we, can recover. I can barely look at him. I hate myself already, this just makes it a million times worse.

DS has been horrendous since I got back, attacking me, screaming, raging. Maybe he is picking up on the atmosphere.

I know we need to talk, going to grit my teeth and go inside (sitting smoking my head off and drinking wine on an empty stomach right now). I've managed to get hold of my mum, she's horrified and devastated for me. She knows how much I hate my body and how it has affected me. She also reminded me that he was like this when I was thin as well.

Oh bless you! I want to give you a big hug!

Is there any chance this could be the catalyst to talking more openly and frankly about things with a view to getting intimacy back? Were you ever at the stage where you were like teenagers on heat or has it always been like this?

Your mum has reminded you he was like this when you were thin.

Lose weight by dumping the inadequate loser with his weird porn-addled idea of what's sexy.

Posters saying that the OP should lose weight for her health are missing the point that her DH is not wanting this for health reasons, he wants this so that the OP moves closer to his fantasy.

This is no different from and no more acceptable than if the DH wanted her to get her breasts enlarged.

No helpful advice I am afraid but just to say you are not alone. I regularly get comments from my dp on my size. Even during sex. Twice recently he has said while dtd that we would be intimate more often if I was more toned. The other day he asked if the dress i was wearing was new. I said it wasn't and he made a comment about me having a pot belly. I just wanted to say I can appreciate how much it hurts. I know my dp won't change. I have lived with this for years, and I have a history of eating disorders. See if he is willing to work on things, only if you want to though. You don't have to live with it. I am resigned to it but I would hate to think anyone else was in the same boat.

She also reminded me that he was like this when I was thin as well.

I'd say you should have left him ages ago considering the above reminder from your Mum.

All too often we ignore the signs and try and save relationships.

I really don't understand why men have a 'type', then marry a woman who isn't that type. Makes no sense whatsoever.

Well, I tend to agree that this is more of an issue with his porn addiction that your weight.

I'd also agree that there is a good chance that if you did lose the weight, then he might well find something else to moan about.

But

You do say yourself that you are unhappy at your current weight, has his comment touched a nerve?

Could you make a serious effort to lose the weight, get down to a healthy BMI (dress size so variable as to be useless as a guide) and then see how the land lies?

It is eminently possible that he will still be a dick, but at least you will be slimmer and feeling better about yourself.

Losing weight is hard, but there really is no downside to it. Some PPs have positioned it as some sort of risk i.e. "well, you could lose the weight and nothing will have changed with him" etc. That is true, there is no guarantee he will be any happier, but the worst that can happen is that he will be a dick and you will be slim. That has to be better than him being a dick and you being (unhappily) overweight.

You really have nothing to lose by getting slim and fit, do it for you, and if it improves your marriage, then see that as a 'nice to have' extra.

Good luck.