DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

[mrstimothyclaypole]

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

Missanneshirley are you the husband? Usually when I ask that I'm being a touch sarcastic, but on this occasion I actually mean it.

Can't believe people are advising the OP to LTB when she has said that they have an otherwise great relationship.

Can you see the look on your children's faces in years to come when they ask you why are you and Daddy split up " he said I was fat and my feelings were hurt so that's why you don't have a father".

Honestly I think sensible advice from a friend or your mum would not be what you're hearing from most posts on this thread. It would be to buck up, work through whatever his intimacy issues are, and accept that the years when the kids are small are very tough and you may not be having a lot of sex at this time of your lives. Possibly lose a few pounds as well, as you know you will feel better about yourself having done it, but do it for your own self esteem not just to please him!

And they would give you a hug and tell you it will all be okay. Which it will.

The answer to your husband not wanting to have sex with you because you don't look like a porn star is to "buck up"?

I've heard it all now.

Seriously...'deal with his issues'.

I don't have daughters, but if I was the OP's mum, trust me, she would not be given a hug and told to "Buck up, lose a few pounds and it will all be ok."

Because I'm not a fucking idiot.

Is that meant to be ironic?

I hope so.

....

OP, I have a dear friend who has had many similar issues to you over a long marriage. Firstly there was no sex at all for years after they were married which seemed to be some kind of Madonna/ whore issue. There has been porn and also a son with Aspergers, which he found extremely hard to accept.

Since you clearly love the man despite some pretty serious issues I recommend that to attempt to save your relationship you insist on counselling. I'm not qualified to say whether it should be couples or psychosexual but he needs to do work to unravel some of this.

In the case of my friend, after the sons diagnosis is became really obvious that the dh was also on the ASD spectrum himself, as was his father. Things have really improved between them all and the son has become a LOT easier over the years. So it is possible to rescue this type of scenario BUT your dh has to recognise that your weight is not and never was the issue here and being sorry isn't enough, he has to want things to change.

I have only skim read the first page but frankly your husband sounds like an arsehole. Does his personality not put you off having sex with him?

OP, he has a porn addiction. He hasn't stopped watching it, he's got better at hiding it. He's deflecting this on to you. Your weight is irrelevant, but he's got what he wanted, you beating yourself up and blaming yourself, focusing on the 'pretend issue' rather than tackling him on the massive red flag that could wreck your marriage. I found out in the last few weeks of my marriage the full extent of my ex's porn addiction. It devastated me. I lost all respect for him. I still shudder when I think of the vile stuff he was watching on the family computer after me and the kids were in bed. You can't ignore this.

Missann

The OP came on MN last night after having a massive kick in the teeth from someone she loves. She is not overweight. She is normal. She has had two babies in 5 years. Her husband was preferring porn to having sex with her long before now. I get the comments about excess weight being a turn off and unhealthy etc, but this is not the case here. The OP is not overweight. She asked him for an honest answer and the best he could come up with is that he doesn't fancy her now that she's put on a bit of weight. Going from a size 12 to a size 14 is hardly ballooning, nor is it an unhealthy size to be. This is not about her weight or looks. It is about her husband's issues and his lack of desire to have sex with a real person. How much clearer can that be? If you want to engage in fat bashing or body shaming then this is the wrong thread to do it on.

I'm not the DH!

Why are people astounded that other people don't necessarily find all and any body shapes attractive? Surely that's just a fact of life!

Missanne maybe you could tell Yvaine about Boogers post as well?

I say "should" because if you are over a healthy weight you "should" lose it if you are physically able to - for medical reasons, heart health, cancer risk etc. I am well aware that there are many reasons why some people can't do this

OP, I would put money on it having nothing at all to do with your attractiveness, and a lot to do with the possible ASD diagnosis. Some men cannot handle a problem they can't 'fix'. My ex left me for someone else a week after the diagnosis

I honk you're projecting. There were very clear issues within the marriage already.

Not Honk - think 🙄

Sorry OP yes I do apologise in that regard, I appreciate your DH has made you feel really crappy.
What I was trying to say at the outset was that people always pile into threads like this with lots of theories and before you know it your DH has been called every name under the sun, possibly diagnosed with ASD himself by people who have never met him, and you've been told to leave him! What I was trying to say was it's possibly NOT all that complicated OR that final/ fatal for your relationship. Not if you don't want it to be.

Thank you so much to everyone that has replied. In working today so not had chance to read the posts since I went to sleep, will catch up when I get home and reply properly.

Feel like I have been hit by a bus. He came into the bedroom crying before. He says he doesn't want us to split up, doesn't want to lose me or what we have and he wishes he could take it back.

It is what it is though. That's how he feels, he wasn't trying to hurt me, he just doesn't find me attractive. My head is fucked.

It's not your head that is fucked, OP, it's your husband's, and if he doesn't want to lose you he needs to take steps to sort it out, pronto.

You are just hurt. Understandably so.

May I just pop my head up here to echo a PP: I'm not qualified but I'd advise psychosexual counselling.

A fear of intimacy - true intimacy, not the "disconnected" sex you're describing - goes hand in hand with porn addiction and "secretive sexual practices". I've kind of been on the recieving end myself (similar yet different situ) and lots of the issues stemmed from his disrupted, scary, volatile childhood domestic situ.

Broach the subject. If you truly feel there's enough else about him you want to hold onto seeking professional advice could be transformative. The weight comments may have been - IN HIS HEAD - something he felt he had to say as an "explanation" for the lack of intimacy.

Whilst it is true that the change in a partners appearance can cause some issues, I'd bet my bottom dollar this is not the case here and he's projecting the matter as being your problem rather than acknowledging the issue lies with him, very deep down probably and probably has nothing whatsoever to do with you.

I hope you guys get the advice and support you need to salvage matters x

Ps: well done for not caving his head in re the weight comment. I got the similar "weight" chat from my XH...

...8 weeks before we married.

I hate the way people get flammed for expressing an opinion that differs here.

Now I would be equally devastated if my DH said that to me, but I understand that some people aren't attracted to bigger people. It's not about a size 14 or 16 not being that big, it's about individual preference.

It's clear here though, that he's addicted to porn and I don't believe he's stopped watching it. If he doesn't initiate sex unless monthly or more, then I reckon he's sorting himself out one way or another.

His background indicates it's an excuse and if he really wanted to raise the issue of weight, he should have been more sensitive about it. Although I think it's a very difficult thing to raise sensitively.

It's damn hard to loose weight, but my DH knows I want to loose it and am actively trying, so he would never raise it to me.

I totally agree that this is an issue caused by the OP's husband's issues around sex and porn. I don't know if counselling could help but I would put money on the fact that he's still using porn.

However, I think a lot of people are minimising a two stone weight gain. Dress sizes are irrelevant. The circumstances are completely understandable and I would never criticise someone for it, but it's an unhealthy weight. It is tough to address it with two small kids and devastating that the husband can't put his selfish needs to one side while they deal with the issues.