DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

[mrstimothyclaypole]

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

So they have someone they can make feel insecure. So the woman then feels that no one else would want her so she doesnt leave.

Therefore theyve got someone there to perform all domestic duties and clear up their shit.

You sound a lot more intelligent than him. Do you think you've grown apart as he values appearance and you value people?

Mind you most of those posting on this thread saying the OP should lose weight arent men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And most of the crap about being a size 14 ive seen has been on this site. And ive got it in RL from someone also a woman.

Since weight loss ive not had one negative comment from a man........NOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!1

Having read the whole thread, I'm convinced the DH has serious body image issues. The whole hairless thing-do men shave their bits? Never known one who did, it strikes me as very odd. As others have said, it's not you, OP, it's him, he was the same when you were a size 10.

I think you might be able to get over this, I'm a firm believer in counselling, as long as you get the right counsellor, but his opinion of you is so important and he's been brutal and shattered you and your confidence. It will take a long time to re-build trust. :(

Slimming world. The 10 stone took 18 months but i was younger then. I also got gallstones. Doctors told me it was from losing weight too quickly . I lost the first seven stone in seven months

Crumbs, amazing! I managed 8, have put it back on after giving up fags and a major accident. Slimming World is amazing. Did I read that you didn't exercise loads?

This is hard, it's horrible to hear. He isn't taking any responsibility for his part, it's all 'down to you'. That said I wouldn't fancy my partner if he went over a certain weight. That's just how I am, that's what I fancy and I'm allowed to. If he is giving you honesty then it's actually a good thing even if it hurts. Now you can decide what to do with it.

Pre weight loss i did used to get abuse from men in the street.

Post weight loss the derogatory comments seem to come from women. Why? I really dont think its to help. I think there is something much more sinister behind it. Im wondering if there is a hope there that they will push you towards comfort eating or binging (which i havent done for many years) so that you will gain weight thus eliminating what THEY PERCEIVE to be competition.

I think the latter comments ive seen from women are much more insidious than the abuse i got in the street from men.

Has the guy actually said he doesn't love the OP anymore or just that he doesn't fancy her as much? The two are linked, but not the same thing!

Hi Shizzle. I did excersise yes. Power walked. I couldnt find a sports bra to fit a 38K Ive gone down to a 32HH.

The first time i went from a 46G down to a 34F

Hi Shizzle. I did excersise yes. Power walked. I couldnt find a sports bra to fit a 38K Ive gone down to a 32HH. The first time i went from a 46G down to a 34F

I'm in awe! You're inspiring me, I think I'll remove the cobwebs from my bike tomorrow.

Im looking into salsa classes.

The whole hairless thing-do men shave their bits? Never known one who did, it strikes me as very odd.
It's not odd at all. Different cultures do that very often. And being hairy frown upon at as not clean.
There's a whole world out there with totally different approach to hygiene and how naked body supposed to look.

helena yep. My own sister said I 'made her the fat one' when I slimmed down.

Though tbh with my exes the only ones who really did care about my weight were insecure themselves and didn't like how I allegedly made them look to other people.

my most recent ex didn't give a damn when I put on 2 stone then lost it again. In fact he didn't give a damn if I couldnt shave (psoriasis) or my muff was straight out of the 70s. He dove straight in and Our sex life stayed pretty good! I don't have a type when it comes to men and its never been looks that attracts me and weight fluctuations have never bothered me. I know for a fact there are men who aren't fussed about weight either but in my experience the ones who are shitty about a woman's weight often care how it looks to other people and how it affects their status more than whether they love that person.

Though back to the OP its clear her DP has unobtainable standards for himself for how he wants his women.

It is interesting the fascination and obsession by western men for Asian women because they assume they are subservient/submissive and more feminine and make more dutiful wives yet are more open sexually. This stereotype isn't challenged in porn. www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10935508/Yellow-fever-fetish-Why-do-so-many-white-men-want-to-date-a-Chinese-woman.html

come to think about it the Ex who had no problem with how I looked was the only one who I know for sure didn't use porn when wanking. The others did or lied about it.

Twatbadging I hear you!!!!! WTF happened to sexual chemistry. When i met ex OM there was an instant attraction..........instantly drawn to each other like some sort of pull.

We couldnt wait to get our hands on each other. Did he care about the loose skin on my stomach and the slight overhang. DID HE FUCK.

exactly helena yes, looks play a small part in attraction - i prefer a man with a beard and a hairy chest over a bald one - but that hasn't stopped me having great sex with man devoid of a beard because the chemistry was right, the conversation, his smell, touch and just the way he did certain things were and still are far more arousing than looks. If you have all of that a stone or two weight gain or loss here and there wont matter.

I have always been a 'porn is OK as long as its consensual and actors are paid etc but lately seeing how hyper sexuality is really affecting people and relationships is making me wonder if we need to go back to limited access, top shelf only mags.

Its but a dream of course but this instant, immediate access to instant extreme turn ons is clearly killing sexual chemistry and making instant gratification the go to for men (and some women tbf) its no wonder some men in the 20s and 30s are suffering from sexual dysfunction and I think 1in5 young men has used viagra

Same here .............ex OM had a hairy chest. I liked it Twas very manly.

We have talked tonight. He says that he knows he has issues with intimacy, and that he was unfair to blame me for them. He says he is going to look for some sort of counselling or therapy to try and sort them.

I hope he he does, but I will believe him when he actually goes. He knows that the porn has affected him, he says he doesn't watch it for ages them 'relapses'. I'm so gutted about that.

Lots of mixed up emotions, I feel like I am just numb now, I don't know how I could ever have sex with him again. But I love him, and don't want to give up. Yet, anyway.

Need to go to bed, but I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me make sense of this.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel better.

"And being hairy frown upon at as not clean. "

It is total bollocks to say that being hairy is not clean. It's only not clean, if you don't wash. Just like hair on your head, no-one says that's dirty and we should all shave it all off.

OP I hope you feel better tomorrow. Don't let him "forget" about arranging the counsellor, particularly for his fucked up sexuality.

Agree with Basil. Words are cheap...........unless he follows it up with actions.

I'd bet your husband is gay

This is a common misconception.

He may be bisexual. Gay men do not get an erection in the company of women. that is why they are gay

Intelligence and compassion are big turn ons for me. Looks like im not the only one.

www.redonline.co.uk/health-self/relationships/the-key-to-attraction-is-kindness-and-altruism?utm_content=buffer02a61&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Interesting link Helena, that puts paid to the MRA narrative that women are all gold-diggers.

Actually it's not true that gay men never get erections about women. Lots of gay men have sexual relationships with women before they realise there's really no point for them.

But it doesn't really matter what the OP's DH's sexuality is. Whatever it is, he's a terrible lover and terrible partner.

I'm afraid if my DH ever said this to me it would be a deal breaker. He knows full well the issues I've had with my weight and he knows that if he said something like this it would be so painful to me there would be no going back.

When DH met me I was a size 6. After my DS I was a size 18. I'm now anywhere between a 10 to a 16 depending on the shop. All DH has ever said is that I'm sexy as fuck.

DH has also gained weight since we've met. I have spoken to him about it, but not because I'm not attracted to him (I am, no matter his size) but because I was worried because it was all going around his middle and the men in his family have heart issues from young ages. I told him I want him around for a long time and he's started exercising with me and cutting out fizzy drinks. He could lose it all or none of it, I'll still fancy him. The Op's H didn't phrase it as worry about her health though. It was purely a shallow, selfish statement.

Also, size 12-14 and a 2 stone weight gain does not mean the OP is unhealthy, or even overweight, or any of the other BS being spouted in this thread.

If your spouse can't deal with a 2 stone weight gain, how the hell are they going to deal with everything that comes with getting older? With saggy skin and wrinkles and lower muscle tone? Grey hair, disability, sickness?

Gay men do not get an erection in the company of women.

Dear Lord. Someone should tell my friend that. He must be wondering how his ex-wife had those kids if he was never able to get an erection during their 20 year marriage before he came out.

I'm glad you have talked - it sounds like he has serious sexual/intimacy issues. If his 'type' was Asian/Thai women and he was a heavy porn user his sexual fantasy life may not bear a lot of resemblance to real life with an actual woman. Even if he had married a Thai woman he would probably have been in for a shock to have found they have personalities and expectations and not be the exotic passive flower of the porn world.

Your son having ASD may be a clue - your DH may or may not also have it and so also have problems with intimacy but that is a whole other ballgame.

I hope that this might be an opportunity for you both to finally get this problem out of the woodwork and address it with sexual counselling as otherwise both of you do seem to be committed to each other and care about each other.