DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

[mrstimothyclaypole]

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

I don't understand where the offense is?

That's because you are severely lacking in emotional intelligence. Hopefully that's just the way your husband likes you.

OP, was there ever a time where your husband couldn't keep his hands off you? I get the impression that the honeymoon period was short lived, if there was one.

The issue here is his sexuality, not the size of your body.

What a shitty place to be, im sorry your dealing with this. Although, i suspect that its got to do more with the porn than your apperance, i wonder if he is secretly still watching it and not telling you?

Youve been with him long enough to make a decision abd obviously known yourself and him well to decide whether you want to stay in a good marriage (but with 1 big problem sexually) or split - only you know whether youd be happier either way, but i think to deny (sorry spelling?) Yourself a fullfilled sexual life, when you are obviously someone who wants one, is a shame.

Me and dh have problems too, in so much as i have absolutely zero sex drive and its becoming a problem

And im sorry, going from size 12 to a size 14 is not a huge bloody jump, especially after 2 kids. I was a size 6-8 (im very small height wise) to a size 10-12 in the 5 years be and dh have been together and after a baby and he still finds my body sexy, as do i. My ex however, even when i was a size 6 made me feel like an undesirable whale, he too watched alot of porn...i think he was addicted to it too. But the point is, hes the problem not you! Honestly!

Porn has ruined so many men. I feel for you and for the millions of young women starting out. It's an impossible image to live up to and let's face it, who would want to.

If this were me, I would be telling him that we might as well split up then.

He has serious problems and the main one is denial, as is common with addicts. He is making his excuses all about you to deflect attention away from him and his problem. He is using you in order not to face up to his problems. You are his foil. What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds really damaging to your self-esteem.

How are you feeling this morning OP?

I'm betting that he actually has a low libido and isn't prepared to admit that he isn't actually turned on by a real woman. And the idea of a fully shaved man - eewwww....... body hair is there for a reason FFS! All those luscious scents...

Just an aside op and not making an excuse for him but when you say about him shaving himself and his communication/intimacy issues and the fact he said something that hurt you so much, has it occurred that he might be ASD? I'm probably putting two and two together but you mentioned your dc going through screening atm. Not that it changes anything but just something I noted. Either way it's not about you. I'm fairly sure you look a lot hotter than me! Middle aged size 14/16 here

He needs to go for counselling to unravel his very complex issues around sex.

But he's scared to, so instead he's turning it around on you.

That is not 'respectful'.

Tbh, he's bloody lucky that you still fancy him. Between a few extra pounds and a totally fucked-up attitude to sex, I know which I'd find the biggest turn-off

What a devastating thing for your DH to say. My ex husband also said this to me,he wasn't addicted to porn but he was a controlling twat.
My current DP would never mention my weight,and even though I need to lose weight still tells me I'm beautiful etc.
I agree with other sensible PP......still a porn addict.

I think people are reading too much into it tbh.
My DH has put on a lot of weight. I think he looks awful compared to the handsome man he used to be.
I'm not going to leave him, but I certainly don't find it attractive. I don't expect him to "look good for me" but I do expect him to eat healthily and take some moderate exercise as there is nothing stopping him doing either. I look after myself - FOR myself - and I think he should too!
I think it's as simple as not everyone finds people who are over a healthy weight attractive.

Sorry my point was I'm not a porn addict or on the spectrum or anything else - I just don't want to have sex with someone I don't physically like the look of.

Agree with the low libido as sex has always been an issue in your relationship and it's easiest for him to make excuses than deal with it.

Not everyone finds people who are over a healthy weight attractive

Going from a size 12 to size 14 after having two children is hardly packing the pounds.

I take it back, it would seem some people really are that shallow.

I could kind of understand if you'd gone from a size 12 to morbidly obese. He's have reason to be very worried about your health BUT you've really not put on much weight at all.
He's using your perfectly normal size as an excuse. It's his porn use which is the issue.

You've already given him one chance.

I wouldn't be giving him another.

Could it be more along the lines that since you've put on weight you feel less sexy in yourself? And this is what DH is interpreting as finding you less attractive? It's perhaps not so much the weight just the knock on effect to your esteem/sexdrive?

I can imagine how hurtful it is, but sometimes I think there is something to be said for communicating rather than letting things fester. I can imagine losing weight will be really tough with everything you have going on, but may be it will make you feel better about yourself. If you do it, do it for you not DH.

Just trying to calm down the amateur psychologists that always appear on here.
I'm not about to leave my husband but he doesn't look as good as he did when he was a few stone lighter - it's a fact. Not a difficult one to comprehend. It would be the same if he LOST too much weight, I'd say you don't look healthy, you don't look good.
If the OP feels unhealthy, her DH could support her as someone suggested up thread - ONLY IF SHE WANTS TO - giving her time to go to the gym, cooking healthy meals etc. Even just some time to herself away from stresses of the kids.

I can't believe there are actual women on this thread who have read the OP's posts and are advising her to lose weight.

The only weight the OP needs to lose is about 14 stone of porn-addict.

Missann

Have you actually read the full thread? Specifically the part where the OP says that she she was a size 10, 7 years younger and shaven he still didn't want to have sex with her? Or is it very definitely because the OP has let herself go and is a 28 stone hippo that you feel it's all her fault her wanker of a husband has projected his issues onto her in such a cruel way?

I'd bet your husband is gay and not able to admit it even to himself.

He sounds so deep in the closet he's having adventures in Narnia.

It's not you.

I think, missanneshirley, you could do with a psychologist, amateur or otherwise, to help you separate your own situation from the OP's, as they are basically completely different.

I'm not at all saying the op needs to lose weight.
If she is above a healthy weight and it's affecting her mentally then yes, she should. But that's up to her.

People are very defensive about being overweight - outwith medical issues most people who carry excess weight could and should lose it - but that's for health and medical issues in my opinion, not the way they look. It's just simply not good for you to be overweight.

All I was saying in respect of the OP is that people are coming up with all sorts of complex reasons for her DH's attitude - when it's quite simple -:he thinks she looks better when carrying less weight. Most people do. He's not about to leave her over it. He's probably expressed it badly and hurt her feelings - but it's how he feels. My DH has a beer belly - it's horrible. Doesn't change him as a person but I'm hardly going to lie and say I find it sexy!

Maybe you could read what the OP has actually posted?

MissAnne

You seem keen on the word 'should', particularly wrt weight loss.

Says who? You?