DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

[mrstimothyclaypole]

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

OP do you think that anything can do more than paper over the cracks? Really? DH uses porn to stimulate himself but we use it as part of our sex life. We will watch things together. Not every couple can be like that and if you have issues with his behaviour you should really do what so few are advising and LTB.

My ex use body image as part of his efforts to control me and emotional abuse, while your DH is not going that far the question remains will he change or do have to do all the changing. If it is the later then it is a very one sided relationship and you got the shitty end of it. You need to either draw the line or go down the mumsnet three letter relationship advice standard.

I think he needs to be told that you are no longer attracted to a vacuous, spiteful, fantasising idiot. This is my knee jerk reaction to reading your thread because I am so angry for you, but the principle of what I'm saying is sound - you must find him pretty unappealing as a prospect now. Do you think there is a chance that his phrasing has been piss poor? Im trying to think of a reason why someone would say suck a thoughtless, dickish thing, and not to expect there to be a fallout? I hope that you manage to keep your self confidence intact from this, although I would also be very hurt and offended.

Oh god, 'say', not 'suck' - what an auto-correct in this context!

Am loving the posts from AskBasil. I read in an earlier post that his highlighting your weight as part of the problem has at least given you something 'to work on'. I hope you know that it's not your body you need to work on - he needs to work on his issues, which may or may not be linked to porn, but the work is at the very least his to do, and possibly both of you as a couple, but I don't think it's yours to do.

I dont think some men understand how hard it is to look after children, particularly challenging children, often work as well, see friends and get to stay in shape. Its not that easy. Many men manage to keep their priorites of going to work and getting to the gym or playing sport, often because however good a Dad they are they are not the frontline person taking the lion share of responsibility and giving the absolute unselfish love and care to the children. So they cant understand why women 'let themselves go'. They just arent the one absorbing all the stress and responsibility.

And As OP says there are other issues around his own sex drive, performance, confidence that are driving this apparent confession of what the issue is. Its too convenient to put all the blame on someone else. What are the pressures placed on OP where he could be providing more support?
And as others have said size 14/16 is not huge! Fuck, I really hate the self loathing that is generated in women who are being such lionesses in bringing up the children and giving them their all.

I agree Elspeth! It is disgusting

I think losing about twelve stone of hairless twit would make you feel a lot better.

Reading your posts makes me angry because it's him who has the problem but you getting blamed. Shaving all over unless you're an Olympic level athlete indicates issues. He had porn and libido issues when you're were much slimmer, but all this is your fault? Seriously? He's got a serious sexual issue somewhere. It might be porn or he might like having sex with other men. Whatever it is, it's grossly unfair to hang the blame on you.
Be angry. Act accordingly

I think losing about twelve stone of hairless twit would make you feel a lot better.

LOL at 'losing twelve stone of hairless twit'!! Thanks Hubble, just spilled my cuppa.

I agree Lynda,it has nothing to do with OP's weight gain.

You need to go to marriage counselling. There are lots of issues here, as many others have said. Its not just about weight, its about porn and body hair and physical attraction and realistic expectations and mismatched sex drives and three DC and a DC going through diagnosis - all sorts of complex and emotional issues.

I really don't see how the two of you can fix this by yourselves. You need help and you have to both WANT to fix things and want to be together for better or worse. There are good things about your marriage, so lets hope its enough for you both to want to get around a table with a therapist and work out how to stay together and be happy.

I agree with other contributors who believe that the problem lies with OP's husband and not her (fairly modest) weight gain.

The clue to his problem probably lies in his admission that he has a low sex drive and that is why he uses porn. I believe that his assertion was honest in every aspect except the extent of his sexual dysfunction.

It is well known that regular users of porn - especially the more extreme types - often do so, because normal loving sexual relations lack the 'piquancy' they require to 'complete the act'.

OP has indicated that she is troubled by her weight gain and it would seem that her husband has tapped into that anxiety and - deliberately or not - used it to excuse his own impotence.

I suggest (although I am not an expert) that counselling with an emphasis on the sex aspect might be beneficial. From what OP has told us, it sounds as if she has a relationship worth saving if this sensitive matter can be resolved.

Good luck.

Only got to page two and wanted to write in support of Mama's original post.

OP , if you believe him about the porn (that he has stopped) , then what Mama originally said is true surely ; you can't be angry at him for being honest after you pushed him. He has told you how he feels (he can't help that). It's up to you whether you lose the weight to please him (nothing wrong with that, he's your husband after all) or stay the way you are (nothing wrong with that , it's your body).

Also, going from a size 10/12 to a 14 is a big weight gain. It certainly shows (especially to someone who is conscious about physical appearance , such as her husband who actively works on his own looks). Don't know why people are minimising that - especially if you were more of a 10.

spice

So what would happen if the wife is injured in an accident, or the husband comes back from deployment missing a bit, or scarred? Or, God forbid, just gets old and wrinkly and saggy.? Few of us are beautiful forever. Physical change is a fact of life.
This isn't the husband saying 'crikey, we're both totally out of shape aren't we? Let's get out for a walk at the weekend and eat a bit more healthily, and look after ourselves.' So that they can stay active longer.
It's the husband having various undefined sexual neuroses and secrets then blaming the wife for them.

Mm.. I have to say people really do downplay how much physical attraction plays in a relationship.

Of course, it's not the be all and end all, but it's important. Just because you've been with someone for a long time and they love you doesn't mean they'll always be physically attracted to you regardless of how much weight you put on. And obviously that will affect sex lives.

Hubbles age/disability is something you have no control over. Weight ,on the most part, you do. I know I wouldn't fancy DP if he put on weight but I would still love him.

And I did say that my opinion was only valid if the OP (as the only person who really knows her husband) believes him regarding the porn.

And there does seem to be an awful lot of the opinion that once you marry someone or have kids with them then you can just pile a load on, let yourself go and the other person has to be perfectly okay with that, otherwise they're 'shallow'

I know I'd be gutted if DP piled loads on. I love him, I'm massively physically attracted to him as well as loving him. I would hate to lose that physical attraction side. I would always love him for who he is, his brains, his personality, but I'm not going to pretend I'd find an obese man physically attractive. We would have sex, but it would be a very different sort of experience.

He shaves all his body hair? And does that turn you on? Personally I would find that a huge turn off. I like the look and feel of a hairy man and the feeling of a stubbly sheet or balls is gross. Would he stop shaving if you said you found hair more attractive? I doubt it.

Stubbly chest

Similar to you my husband has admitted that the way I look puts him off me ,,,, I used to be a size 10 for many years but now I'm a size 14 ,,,, it's not so much the increase in weight it's the shape of my body apparently ,,,, as in there is nothing toned except maybe my ankles hahsha I think my husband thought if he said something then it would spur me into action but the truth is I've always been very insecure with the way I look and it just made me feel 1000 times worse ! My husband enjoys working out , taking vitamins and stuff like that but unfortunately for him I enjoy hobnobs and gossiping ! We've not really spoken about what he said (been a couple of years now) but just the fact I know he is unhappy with the way I look is not a great confidence builder but I guess he was just being honest ! If I really think about it if you took a pic of just my body up against lots of other women's I don't think I'd get many votes ! Luckily I've got other things going for me ,,dazzling personality for one haha,,, so I just think its tuff titties for him ,,, when he picks his nose and stuffs his face with pickled onion crisps that puts me off him but I get over it ! Nobody is perfect and there's lots wed all change about ourselves and each other but loving someone is about looking past imperfections and seeing the person you love ,,,, I guess that's why your so hurt because you think that's not what he's doing :(

ODFOD

Surely we are all entitled to decline having sex for any reason, even for no longer finding the other person attractive. To threaten divorce would be coercion.

There's a sense of 'duty to have sex' in this thread, as well as 'but if he loved you he would', both of which aren't good reasons to have sex, in fact they're horrible reasons.

" possibly diagnosed with ASD himself by people who have never met him"

Well Missann you are doing exactly the same. You are presuming the OP is overweight at a size 14 but unless she is very very short that is not the case. You dont know how tall she is.

^high 5 Helena