DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

[mrstimothyclaypole]

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

The shaving all over is a red flag.

Why would he do it unless he knew his body was going to be seen by someone who likes this kind of thing?

I'm sorry to have to say this but do you think he might be cheating? He wouldn't be the first porn hound to take his "addiction" further. Loads of porn sites have links for escorts/real life sex meet ups etc.

Op do you honestly think that if you lost weight and went down a dress size or two that your sex life would suddenly be amazing?

No me neither.

Salty very few posts on this thread have said LTB. Most have been constructive and supportive and have offered a view that there is much more to this than gaining a few pounds. For better, for worse etc, I think the OP gets that. She's just very hurt and confused.

mrstimothy is there any chance you could talk with him again when the children are in bed or out of the house? It certainly sounds like there are a lot of things to talk through and that he's been mulling over this overnight.

I bet it would have no impact on the frequency or quality of sex between you whatsoever.

That's how he feels, he wasn't trying to hurt me, he just doesn't find me attractive.

If he wasn't trying to hurt you then why did he tell you that he doesn't find you attractive? He must have known that would hurt you?

It seems more likely to me that he felt like he was being criticised during the conversation about your intimacy as a couple and so lashed out with a comment designed to hurt you in order to deflect the conversation away from himself.

" Men are visual creatures and they want their wives to be attractive. Whatever you think of that is down to you, right or wrong, but it's the truth. "

That is the truth according to global corporate porn-merchants.

Men are not just visual creatures, they are human beings with hearts and minds and feelings and the ability to empathise and care about other human beings - just like women.

I am always astonished by how basic and animal some people think men are. It's not feminists who are man-haters, it's people who believe that men are so emotionally and intellectually under-developed, that they would actually allow a few wrinkle sor pounds in weight or different clothes or hair colour or whatever, stop them feeling the same respect and love and camaraderie and friendship for their partners, that they felt before the weight, wrinkles etc.

Really, how low an opinion of men do some of you have?

The OP is really really upset, rightly so, because her husband has been so corrupted by our porn-culture, that he has been unable to maintain normal human feelings about her and their relationship and sex life. That's what porn does, that's what patriarchy does. It reduces women to fuck-toys and corrupts men's humanity. The OP can see her husband is damaged, FFS, even if he can't and this is worth being upset about and it is a dealbreaker.

Hear hear Basil

This woman has an almost identical situation to you. It might help to read it and also what people's views were when you have time.

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/590551-he-s-not-attracted-me

Men are visual creatures and they want their wives to be attractive. Whatever you think of that is down to you, right or wrong, but it's the truth.

I don't consider myself to me that attractive visually so that's me fucked then. Fuck getting old, fuck having children, fuck getting ill, just fuck anything in life where you might not be so attractive to your DP.

Shallow, shallow crock full of shit.

OP it's far deeper than you putting on weight imo.
I think, to save your relationship you need couples counselling.
Your dh does sound vain - all the gym work, shaving etc. ( I'm comparing him to my dh who is my 'normal' iykwim)
Is there any possibility of another woman?

Well done HelenaDove on losing all that weight.
HOW DID YOU DO IT ?
Could you start a thread in another section?
If I want to lose weight I obsess about food and put on weight.

OP's husband when pressed admitted that he has a problem with X (her weight gain). But everyone chooses to ignore his actual words and insist that his problem is Y (porn addiction).

Why not give him the benefit of the doubt if in the OP's own words, they have an otherwise 'great marriage'?

It could perhaps be the weight gain. It could perhaps be the porn addiction. However the weight gain is a fact and 2 stone is significant. The porn addiction is a suspicion at this point.

Since he already admitted that the weight gain is an issue it gives OP something concrete to work on. If the problem still persists after that then the OP can confront her DH again with her efforts and they can then work out the real issues that are not obvious to both of them now.

Do you not think its better he was honest? You're not a healthy weight and it's something you can tackle. But you should do that for yourself and your kids not him. Take control and get healthy

So..... everyone is just choosing to ignore the bit where he had precious little libido even when she was as slim as a greyhound, huh?

Basil - if I could give you a standing ovation, I would.

The people going 'oh but it's not his fault if he simply doesn't find you attractive now'.

I'm sorry, but isn't the whole 'staying with someone for ages' thing pretty much 100% based on the idea that people are often unattractive in many various ways throughout a lifetime but you've agreed to live with that because you think overall they're worth it?

Like, obviously there's a balancing act at play. There are things that become unliveable. But if the OP's H finds a gain of a couple of dress sizes one of those things, that makes it impossible for him to go on.... well, frankly it sounds like he has a pretty sweet life, no?

OP I am so sorry. No matter what your DH says from now on he cant put that genie back into the bottle. He cant unsay what he has said.

It isnt unusual for someone to have fantasies or to have some sort of physical ideal or feature which they find sexually attractive. However, real life isnt a fantasy. Most loving couples keep their fantasies locked up in their heads and dont try to impose their fantasies on their partner.

Your DH's fantasies are leaking out into real life and he is trying to impose them on you. His lack of empathy when he 'confessed' his latest fantasy is telling. It is also telling that he thinks he needs this fantasy to function sexually.

So what is the answer? Counselling for him to get to the bottom of his fantasies. Counselling for both of you to try to work this mess out. It may work or the hurt may be to great but would it be worth a shot?

What I find disgusting is that he's weeping now.

He thought he could be deeply deeply hurtful and the OP would be tearfully remorseful and promise to fly into weight watchers or whatever and hey presto, it not his problem anymore. And he could relax, having successfully deflected it.

And now she's going "well fuckity bye then" and he's panicking - WAIT THAT WASN'T MY PLAN!

Honestly I don't know how love can survive calculation like that.

OP, I have been where you are. I was with a man who thought the porn 'normal' for a woman was ideal. Neat small labia, waxed from the neck down and really into BJs and would orgasm instantly and it was all down to porn addiction. He was disgusted with pubic hair and would only have sex with the light off unless I shave. He wanted everything to be new and novel - tried to insist I wore specific items and wanted to have sex in riskier places. I ditched him because he refused to see his porn use was a problem even though the whole inability to cum unless using his hand and watching his own dick was the only way he could get off should've been a major warning sign

You wont fix this. He has too.

If your DP really wants to fix it and really wants to help himself Then point him towards these talks. These are men talking about why they gave up porn.

I can't believe people still believe that "men are visual creatures" crap.
Recent research where large numbers of brains were imaged shows little or no physical difference between male and female brains. It's all social conditioning, and funnily enough conditioning whereby women get the shitty end of the stick, with the implication that we'll love them regardless but they need to find us visually stimulating.
The marriage vows say "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health". Pregnancy and childbirth change a woman's body dramatically. Aging changes the body and the face. There will probably be, in a long marriage, serious or life-changing illness, medication etc which again can change the body.
If people are too shallow to deal with this, perhaps they shouldn't make a life-long commitment to another human being.
And yes I think porn is immensely damaging - if someone is staring constantly at very young, thin, hairless bodies they will condition themselves that this is what sexually arousing looks like, and it will damage their intimate relationships.

I agree with Elspeth. He's so careless of your feelings that he thought he could say that to you and it wouldn't have any negative consequences for him.

I agree with Elspeth. He's so careless of your feelings that he thought he could say that to you and it wouldn't have any negative consequences for him.

I think there are a load of issues for you both to wade through & I think couples counselling must be the answer. Apologies, I've not read the whole thread. On one hand, what he said was OTT however, if he feels that, then so be it. His issue but, you can't argue a feeling. I think there is loads, loads more to this & he has some deep rooted issues that need addressing, I just hope he realises that before he loses you OP. Good luck & I hope you sort it

Sorry crap connection!

"Why not give him the benefit of the doubt if in the OP's own words, they have an otherwise 'great marriage'?"

Apart from the fact that he's shit in bed.

Sorry OP that's brutal, but it's true isn't it? Sex is really important and it sounds to me as though you have never really had a genuinely fulfilling sex life with this man. His failure to connect is because he can't.

I think if you do go the couples counselling route, you are going to have to find someone who specialises in unthreading the responses porn habits have inculcated in men. And that's all bound up with their attitudes to women as human beings.

It's got nothing to do with the OP's weight gain. It's a handy tool for him to hang his low libido on. He doesn't like body hair and he didn't want much sex when she was a size 12 either (just precising for those rude fuckers who can't be arsed to read the OP's posts but just like to wade in with shit about keeping yourself attractive).

And as for has it occurred that he might be ASD? can we please, for the love of all goddesses everywhere, stop throwing an armchair autism diagnosis around every time a woman says her partner is poor at communicating? It's really offensive.